Good Day my lovely cyber family, wow here in Philly, WaWa does its 25 annual " Hoagie Day " giveaway here to promote the welcome America festival every year a week festivities for the families & children to eat like champs , play, & attend some awesome concerts by big artist. Now, ladies & gentlemen, I have a scenario which is based on a true situation. I have my own opinion about this lets just say somebody I know. Before I get into the "Hot Tea", The names will be changed to protect the guilty...lol. Now, my good friend we'll call " Mr.Pitiful In PA" has a history with a woman he known for quite some time now. He's in love with " Ms. My Way Or No Way". Now its been an off & on again romance for about 6 years. What broke them up before was some infidelity on " Ms. My Way" part and a heap of lack of trust, accusations, & verbal abuse, name calling each other. To add fuel to the fire what keeps problems going is now she takes her frustrations to social media. When they have heated arguments she post to her male friends on " Blank" & of course the males want to drive them apart. Now the kicker is Ms. My Way," wants the pie in the sky, have things her way, blow up at him and say & do some mean things. On the side of " Mr. Pityful" he feeds into her but keep takes her back when they split. He's a typee of guy that has a good job, make good money, even accepted her daughter part of being with mom. His insecurities, suspicions, and lack of communication is what makes him wrong. Her Problem is the pie in the sky, I want what I want when I want it thinker. Converse there problems to other men, and even cheated on him and lie at times to cover her actions. Now, America, what your take on this? Is being with a romantic opposite is healthy in spite years together or should they just go they separate ways? I have my opinion but I want to hear yours. Let's talk about this, see where we at with each other on relationship standards.

All replies will be returned.....

EyeAmYourHost39

EyeAmYourHost39,

Well, well, well.....my opinion they both should let the past be the past and split. its not good for her daughter " Cutie In PA" to have to witness the bad language, the fighting, the verbal insults being slanged back & forth, & accusations. one thing I learned through out the years is when it comes to what's make a relationship work, well being even yoked together is a big factor. Its nice if you want to do things for your lady, take her out, spend time & money on her, that's great. But when she can't get what she wants or her way, to go on social media and rant to other men, well its a communication issue am I'm wrong?

I don't see "romantic opposites" in that tale. I see two disorganized people who don't know what they want, and so they repeatedly enter into the FORMAT of a monogamous relationship, when actually they don't want (or perhaps even understand) what that entails.

They're adults responsible for their decisions.


I don't know exactly what you're asking.
I don't know if "is" in that sentence is a typo from auto fill on your phone and if you really meant "unhealthy."

If you're asking "is being with a romantic opposite unhealthy despite years together" then I'd say it's a bad question.

There isn't really such a thing as "opposites."

People are multifaceted.
They can have characteristics or traits that are the opposite of their partner. But people have a lot of characteristics and traits.
They may have 99,999 "opposite" characteristics and traits and 1 seemingly innocuous trait in common, but to their identity, hierarchy of importance, that 1 thing can be more important to them than those 99,999 others.
Which means that 99% of their life is spent in some way validating that 1 thing about them.
But more likely they're going to have some characteristics and traits in common, some in opposition, and some compatible, and there's no way to really measure.
Your labeling them as "opposites" doesn't actually mean anything.
There's a deeper reality.

Not to mention people have qualities and traits that can be similar, but communicated differently, and only in the way they are communicated does it seem like they are "opposites," when the underlying value is actually the same.

Also, what you kind of hint at with your relationship story is potentially something that is more...synergous...compatible.
Like a dominatrix and sub.
They aren't really "opposites," so much as their personality, with the strife and arguing and whipping, isn't opposed to each other but fundamentally fulfilling what the two people are ultimately looking for.

If a guy is mostly a grown child with a hatred of women and he finds himself a woman who'll be his momma, tell him what to do, make him an extension of her, and behave in a way that validates his hatred possibly because she dislikes/distrusts men, it's going to be fulfilling to them both, but it's still going to be full of "drama." The drama constitutes normalizing validation that makes the relationship and life "okay," and "in control."

It's not going to be "oh, well I found a woman that will be my momma, and justifies my hatred of women, so now I won't act like a child, put away all my dislike, love and accept and act like a completely healthy member of society."


That's not for me to judge.


Maybe, maybe not.
That could be part of normal "communication" in that relationship.
She may be demanding things she knows on some level he can't deliver or will lead to her frustration, thereby justifying feeling like a powerless victim, which she then takes out on her guy to push him away, knowing he will come back, so she feels she has power and control.
He could refuse to give her what she wants or accede to her demands because he knows on some level she is going to go to social media and rant to other men thereby validating his victimization at the hand of women and feel justified in demanding some sort of argument or repatriation that then makes him feel like he can control her.

Maybe they are opposites in he's a doormat and she's a user.
Maybe they're similar in seeking extensions of their ego to validate them and their tactics are simply different and are communicated in opposite ways.
Maybe their roles are simply compatible and it's the drama that makes them feel in control.

Who knows.
Maybe you're right and it's a communication issue.
Maybe there is no issue at all.
Maybe you're wrong and you're only seeing the face communication rather than the bigger picture.

To answer your general question, opposites often do attract but they often have a hell of a time staying ATTACHED.

Even if your personalities are opposite, your main values and goals for the relationship have to be similar,and they have to be able to meet somewhere in the middle in terms of lifestyles.

As for your friends, I dont think they are opposites. I just think they both just dont have the skills to navigate the kind of relationship they ultimately want.

Also lets face it. Some people develop a weird comfort level with a roller coaster love/hate type of relationship. For some it is even a turn on. Maybe the dynamic yoyr friends have

IgorFrankensteen,

Yes my friend you are right , they both a bloody mess. disorganized, lack of communication, as well as trust issues. then the social media gossip kills it all the time. I think they should split apart. I think they stuck in the past.

Peggy122,

The Lovely "Peggy122", welcome back to my cyber mansion. i totally agree with everything you mention. It does come down to one standards. it comes down to " if you really love me, why we fighting like this? I mean i know all couples face disagreements at time but to use hurtful words, accusations of cheating, fighting in front of " Little Cutie In Pa"." If this was my life this is how i deal with it. I'm use you and I for the whole America to see and learn from. " Hey Baby, Peggy, listen we both are who we are, i love you and i know you feel the same. We have Cutie in Pa to worry about. i don't want your daughter to grow up to think this is normal love. We don't want to traumatize her. most importantly if we really serous about being together as a hot heap of mess together them maybe we can suggest counseling." see that's how normal people should handle romantic crisis. you agree?

Ciretom,

Welcome back I respect your mind, your passion of data. Here's where i am at with this. Its not that I'm trying to label them at all. But the craziness has to have a name. its becomes my business when my friend " Mr. Pityful In Pa" confides in me and seek advice from his good buddy. the alias, come on, its made up names so i don't put out nobody's business to the world. Its not about the alias i choose to use, its the message in what's going on with them. The lesson in all this is choices & what's should be best.

I totally agree with you EyeAm , but we both think like that because we have a clear idea of what we want our relationship to feel like , and a clear idea of how to achieve it.

But maybe your friends just don't know. Im not even sure if they fully understand the effect their behaviour is having on their child.

Couples like your friends who have hurt each other for so long, are often trapped in their bad habbits, and dont even know how much they are screwing up each other's lives. And they certainly dont know how to break free from all that negativity and start afresh

It really would be great if they seek counseling like you suggested, but if not, the only healthy alternative is to shut that relationship down , and move on, like you were saying.

I hope they both find happiness somehow

Peggy122,

Welcome Back Lovely Lady, yeah too many times we in the world have this problem. Let me ask you this, and tell me if you agree with this statement. Have you ever known people who be alone so long they will be in a thought of " In Love With The Ideal Of Being In Love?"

Remember the singer Phyllis Hyman? That's what she faced. She was in live with a man that didn't feel the same about about her. She died with a broken heart.

Attract but often times you can't live with him!

Opposites attract...
They always say that, and I must admit I've had that in the past, falling in love with a guy who was the total opposite of me. It has appeal.
But I was thinking about this statement, as with my man and I we don't have that many opposites. Maybe it's when you become more 'well-rounded' yourself you don't need the seeming excitement and/or missing elements in yourself filled in by an opposite person?
Him and me aren't clones, thank goodness no! But we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Neither of us have ever had that happen before.

So I'm thinking, maybe you don't need an 'opposite' anymore when you have more aspects in yourself balanced and filled in?
Because let's face it: opposites may attract, it hardly ever works out. It's nice for a fling, barely sustainable in a long term relationship.

To add to that...
With opposites there's no complementing. It would be like
A likes hard rock - B likes classical music
A likes late nights - B likes early mornings

When you complement -what I got with him-, it's like:
A into making music 70% with instrument X - B is into that 30% with instrument Y
A into spirituality 20% - B into spirituality 80%
A + B both into culture, different experiences with it so far
A + B both into language, different experience with it so far

So there's a lot of common ground, yet the level of experience / interest vary enough to allow room for growth and 'play'.

Apart from that, when both are well-rounded, A comes from a masculine point of view, B from a feminine one concerning a subject --> same interest, yet different, still complementing each other.

This gives a very healthy, stable, lively relationship in a way you cannot ever get with an opposite.

Toodygirl5,

Welcome to my cyber mansion. You got me curious. Walk me down the corridors of your mind.....lol explain to my m2 family what that mean?

CrystalFairy,

Welcome back .... Your advice shows maturity and growth within you. You possess a light that ot took some darkness to find your light of wisdom. Good women like you keep men hopeful. Compatibility is everything. You right if she's Venus & he's Mars and have a child thats Neptune. Neptune watching mommy Venus and her boyfriend Mars live out there love & Hate emotions towards each other. I guarantee Neptune will have a false sense of love & even grow to accept being mistreated in a marriage or relationship is acceptable.

It is simply true! Nothing deep! Sometimes you are in love but you are too different and that makes it too difficult!

oh ya like I want someone just like me

Thank you for the hearty welcome Eyeam

I do remember the gorgeous and talented Phyllis hyman. From the Documentary of her that I watched several years ago, I gather that she was diagnosed as either bi polar or clinically depressed. Either way , it seems that her suicide was highly influenced by that mental irregularity , and the fact that her life was not going the way she wanted, and she was determined to leave the pain behind on her own terms. I still feel sad when I think about her

I agree with you that many people are in love with the idea being in love way more than they are in love with the person they choose, which often leads to settling for the closest thing to love you can find at the time, even if it involves physical/emotional abuse or gross incompatability. I hope your friends arent going through that :(

I was going to post a song of hers in the music thread earlier.
On a Sunday afternoon between 4 and 7 a guy called John leach does a soul show. He was remembering her today as well as Luther vandross who died 12 years ago! Both were great

I totally agree with you Mikey. I miss them both :(

Thank you, I think... I don't understand how hate and being mistreated became part of the equation... If those are part of a relationship, you should abandon it.