It's really ironic that the a-hole narcissist that -without knowing- gave me the strength and courage to find real love and a great guy is also the cause of all these danged triggers and fears that make this real love with this unbelievably great guy difficult as bleep.
Isn't it ironic, don't you think...

Must say I never really realized before how hotdanged scary it can be to truly open up and love someone so deeply. It's one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me, but at times it also scares the Bejesus out of me.
I'm really proud of myself for even daring to open up again to love, no small feat after what I've been through. I think this is the deepest I've ever felt for anyone, meaning if something is wrong or goes wrong, the damage is going to be extensive. And knowing that is scary as hell. Knowing you are so extremely vulnerable, and still doing it, opening up, going for it.
But sometimes something happens and I just lose it. Total panic. I thought I'd gotten over that, I guess not... It's not just the panic that's scary, but also my own strong emotional reaction. I don't want that, don't want to feel that way, but it still happens occasionally. Usually I can sort it out myself, sometimes I need his help. I don't like that, I'd rather be able to handle it myself, but sometimes I find it's just not possible.

Unfortunately there's an awful lot of people like me out there. I know cos I've blogged about this, to get it of my chest. Many never get over it, have gotten too scared to even try again. Others have, and have succeeded in finding new love, but they still get triggered badly at times. Some told me it will never really go away anymore.
Isn't that sad, unbelievably sad? That one person with a personality disorder can bleep someone up for life?
I know I'm going to keep working on it, but I still am not convinced I will succeed at completely disarming those danged triggers...

At times I still wish there was a law against narcissists, and that kind of abuse. If there's physical abuse you can press charges. Other abuse, nothing you can do. They get away with emotional, psychological and mental murder and there's nothing you can do about it. So much for justice.

I think anyone who's been with a narcissist, or an equally abusive relationship, that still dares open up for love and has the baws to be vulnerable, to really go for it again, to take that risk, to want to be a winner and find true love and happiness, deserve a Purple Heart for courage.

Sorry for this tome, but after what happened tonight, I needed to get this of my chest. I'm a bit emotional still

Thanks Crystal for sharing. I really admire that you were able to let yourself open up to love again.

Thank you, Pisces
And yeah, I'm kinda stubborn, I flatly refuse to give up. Nevertheless I get triggered at times, sometimes bad, sometimes not too bad. This time was really bad. I actually thought it was over. I'm really grateful that he can handle it, and mostly in a calm fashion, which helps me to get my feet on the ground again. Not saying he's perfect, but I think many would have done a runner, lol.
Oh well... time for bed. After all this upheaval I'm shattered.

I don't know that it ever goes away entirely Crystal, I wish I could tell you otherwise. But I do know it gets better in time, and as we learn more about out triggers and work with them, we are able to discern now from then a whole lot easier. Have a blessed evening and sleep well

To live fully, you must risk.

Love is a fluid game, much as we would all like
to lock in forever and a day, some are grateful
we cannot.

It is the aholes who make us wise, forcing us to
learn even though we fight doing so.

They shape us certainly, but only so far as we
allow them to. It can be a good thing.

Thank You for sharing, I am sorry that you had to go through that.

This goes to show that you are a strong woman who doesn't settle for anything less than what you deserve. I hope you find your happiness that will last a lifetime.

I also know exactly whereof you speak, Crystalfairy, as I also had to go through not physical, but severe emotional abuse in my own life.

I know now, that such experiences are very large in one's life. Not only are you hurt in the immediate experience, you are injured in ways that reverberate throughout your entire life, and return in something like echoes, far into the future. It is similar to a great physical injury, in that you can never again be the person you were before it, and in that it returns again and again, when circumstances remind you of it.

I am forty years and more away from one of my episodes, and still only now, despite decades of work, discovering what it was all about (and what it was NOT about).

Best I can do for you, is to sympathize, and encourage you not to get down on YOURSELF, either for how you were injured (you aren't a "wimp" because you were hurt by it), or for the fact that recovery from such does take far more than anyone who has NOT been through such, can understand.

the thing is.. is takes quite some time to know someone and then more time to come to terms with the nuances of their dynamics/habits.. to know/get where they are coming from, the trueness...we have to take the good with the bad, as they do..
is this making sense? I've had like 4 glasses of wine.
I hope you find your way with him..

I'm absolutely delighted for you.

The main reason I'm delighted for you is that in every one of your posts I've ever read, never once have I sensed any bitterness towards men or other people in general.
Happy people usually attract happiness and you are a prime case in point, wishing you all the best.

Thank you, Joe. And yes, well spotted! If nothing else, I seriously dislike gender bashing, esp when based on a past experience.
I have become extremely allergic to narcissists, but even they have a part to play. In that sense I can truly say I am grateful for the experience, although it was far from pleasant.
But without that experience I would not have been ready for a better, great relationship. So in a way it helped me to get the man who's in my life now.
All that remains now is to work through these triggers and pray that this man loves me enough to not do a runner.

Thank you. I won't go down on myself, I've dealt with all that stuff, even when I was still with my ex. The only thing I hadn't worked through is the triggers that are directly related to a relationship and/or partner. Difficult to do when you're single, as these things don't get triggered then. So you don't know what the triggers are until someone new comes along and pushes one of them and you end up feeling like you're being electrocuted, haha.
I'm a smart girl, and I knew things would come up when I'd meet someone new. Kind of logical, I just had no idea what or how bad it would be.
Well, I know now, lol.
I am really lucky that the man in my life was already familiar with narcissism and is into coaching, so he has a real good understanding of it and is able to deal with it in a good way too when something is up.
Of course I have to work through it myself. I do not wish to hurt him or bother with him all the time. It's my problem. So I don't simply use him as a punchbag so to speak. I don't want that, nor would he allow me to, nor would that make for a healthy relationship.
But he is there for me to support me when I need it. Before turning to him, I try to sort it out myself. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't.

Yeah, I think I get what you mean :)
In a way with him the getting to know each other part is almost reversed from 'normal'. Normally speaking you start at A and work towards B: you meet, get to know each other, like each other, fall in love and get to know each other better and learn how and if you match, or not.
With him the connection was immediate, intense, deep. Coming home, a sense of truly belonging. Having that relationship feeling. This was mutual.
In spite of already being at B you still have to get to know each other.
So instead of going from A to B, we started at B, but we still have to do part A, whilst remaining at B.
That would be a lot easier if we could see each other more often. Oh well, we'll get there. Deep down I know we will. Just that truly trusting this as a constant is so hard for me because that's where the damage is, done by my ex. Scary as hell.
I can completely open my heart for him, which amazes me to be honest. I do really trust him. But when something happens and I get afraid, I close up. So the fear of getting hurt badly is stronger still than my trust. That going back and forth, open close, open close, drives me up the wall, it's so exhausting. And I can get PO with myself for still not being able to control this, haha.

Thank you! I hope so too! You never get guarantees of course, but it feels by far as the most promising relationship I've ever been in

True. And esp the last part. I allowed my ex to go over my boundaries too far too often. That's why I also take responsibility for my part in this.
I had a lesson to learn, to do with having boundaries. I did learn it, it just took a long time.

Thank you, very sweet! And yes, I did sleep well :)

The slightest comparison to a past lover was usually when I would see stars...from a backhand across the face...
"Are you comparing me to her?"
women don't like to be compared.

I see your point, but I don't think it is really comparing. It's more part of healing. It isn't really about him either, not even about my ex anymore. It's just triggers in me that I need to deal with.
Also, if a woman slaps you in the face, I think it's time to call it quits, hihi. Unless you've said something along the lines of "Her boobs were firmer than yours". In that case you may have deserved it.

i can truly relate to this one crystal my own running shoes had always been within arms reach ready to be worn anytime. i think you have found someone who could make you walk instead of run and not by yourself but together... i pray you keep the faith and the love dear