I truly appreciate you and the respondents in this thread for your indulgence Beach

Nobody really wants to dissect love like an ill-fated frog in petri dish.

We all just want to fall headlong into love , be in the moment , and deal with the consequences later.

Admittedly, there were about 5 guys in my life who inspired me to leap without thinking , (but only 2 turned out to be worth the injuries and the long- azz recovery- time )

But putting that aside , I genuinely believe like you do ,that falling in love is not a choice . It kinda blindsides us in a way ,like a sexy car-crash . (Giving myself an instant "F" for that stupid analogy )

But my point is that commitment ( a huge facet of love) is fundamental to sustaining any longterm relationship, and commitment isn't a random event like falling in love . It's a daily choice. Thats a fact, (quantifiable or not).

Ps: I re-read some of what I posted on page 2 of the thread , and I admit to being "naive, dreamy, and unrealistically altruistic" in some of my beliefs too

Welcome to the forum harishan

hello Peggy surely we dont have to force ourselves to commit if it does make us happy committing....keep on writing those thoughts please your mate is one lucky lucky guy


Hmmmm...

I don;t know if committing myself during that difficut seasn will make me happy.

I think it will make me feel peaceful, and hopefully , if I keep the faith, the happiness will return.

I know. I sound absurd, but for some reason, it resonates with me. I will humbly accept the consequences if my intuition is wrong.

Thanks for your kind words skeptical soulmate

I gave what you said more thought Ms H., and this is what occurred to me though it may not be right.

Feelings in my opinion , are abstract but have the same properties as all living organisms.

Feelings can breathe (allowed to vent or allowed some space ), Move (change directions), Sleep ( be in a state of repose of dormant), eat (be fuelled and nurtured), Grow (increase) , regress (as our bodies often do with age / wear and tear), excrete (be cleansed of toxic energy) , and die ( come to an end because any living organism that isn;t nurtured ,fueled , etc can die before its time.

But commitment is alot more subject to our control than feelings are , and its ultimately the anchoring force.

That said, there is often a conflict of interest between love of partner and love of self . Ideally compromises can be megotiated for the two to coincide but if that can't happen , I would agree with you that your love/protection of self should take first precedence.

After all, whats the likelihood of fostering a successful relationship if only half of you is engaged in the relationship , after the other half of you or a fundamental part of your identity has been sacrificed for the comfort/welfare of the other person?

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LOL...Welcome...My pleasure

Catching up on the thread it makes me want to just put some stuff out there to consider when contemplating love.

First I must tell you Peggy122, you are the most thoughtful, honest, intelligent and courteous member I have ever seen posting in a dating forum. You address each response wholeheartedly and with respect. Anyone and I do mean anyone that is your friend is blessed by your presence.

I believe that dedication and commitment are two different things but people get mixed up as to their meaning.

Sometimes we are not aware of the things we do and say that stress a relationship. Honest communication and feedback is needed.

Acceptance does not necessitate forfeiture.

Nobody needs someone else's permission to be themselves.

You can never be anything you are not willing to be. To do so is acting and acting is a form of lying. Delusions tend to reinforce themselves.

Sometimes its not what you say but how you say it. Inflection can destroy a moment or make it.

There is a fine line between high self-esteem and narcissism. The narcissist will dismiss or undervalue another while those with high self-esteem place great value on the contribution of others.

There are always three entities in any love relationship; you, the other and who you are together. It is vital to understand the differences of all three.

Fear of the other ALWAYS kills love.

Complacency erodes the fabric of love. Boredom can invade a relationship from other sources. Love is not a task, it is an experience.

Acts of love can be done without the feelings of love. Feelings of love that are expressed by acts are the most powerful.

A whisper can be more powerful than the loudest scream.

Love must be driven from within. Just like a car it needs refueled and regular maintenance. There is some maintenance that you can do yourself and others that require assistance. It is important to know which is your task and which need assistance.

Relying too heavily on others to maintain love creates a burden on them.

Love comes to us easy. It is new and exciting. It stays because it is unique and holds the promise of excitement. For another to also feel love over duration, they must also feel the unique promise of excitement from you.

Love between two people is usually never an exact duplicate of intensity and often not at the same time. It is given and returned in varied strength and duration. Being responsive during the high periods is only part of the equation. Understanding and accepting the entire cycle will make you whole.

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Edited for intent by changing word selection

Tom Im so embarrassed, I had a vague recollection that I was supposed to respond to you on something but I couldn't remember from which thread

I am not always able to respond to everyone, but this is worth responding to

Thank you so much for the beautiful compliment you gave . It touched me :)

Everything that you said about love and relationships here resonates with me. Its hard to live what you wrote about, but you spoke thetruth :)

There is no need for embarrassment. Nobody is required to respond to anything I write. While it does make me feel good to be acknowledged, I do not feel bad when ignored. I tend to write a lot to express myself, lots of people just are not interested. No worries.



Well, I meant it to. It is refreshing to see someone in online forums that participates like you do. My life has been too full of criticisms so I try to applaud when I can.


I think it resonates with most people but since it requires discipline and self-control it gets dismissed easily. Its difficult because most are reactive and not proactive with their feelings. People like to choose the easier path right now and deal with consequences later. They never see that the consequences are often more difficult to deal with. I call it the Negative Spiral and if it is not rectified it infests other aspects of ones life.

Love is supposed to be a "good thing". People tend to ignore the good things and focus on the bad things. Probably because bad things need to be addressed. Focusing on the bad things too much can cause everything to look like a bad thing.

My son and Daughter-in-law were having a rough patch at their 5 year marriage mark. They asked me what should they do. After listening to them for a bit I stopped them and told them to now tell me all the good things.
Every time they told me something they thought was a good thing I had them say out loud "That's a Good Thing!". They recently celebrated 9 years. I have heard both of them say That's a good thing out loud without prompt. They smile a lot now.

Edit for Spelling

I agree that all you speak about requires discipline, and focusing on the good , has a regenerative effect on one's mind ,.body and soul.

Congrats to your son and his wife! May they have many more hapoy years together ! :)

If you feel it..go with it

Love is being in alignment with yourself... You can only feel love, be love, when you are in alignment with yourself you see.
And when you love someone -or are in love- you get in alignment and that's what makes you feel so bloody good.
It can get bogged down if you aren't able (yet) to maintain your connection with yourself, your higher Self, your Inner Being, whatever you wish to call it.
Most people do not align with themselves, don't even know it is possible, or how to do it, so when the pink clouds disappear and the routine of day to day life seeps through the pink veils, love may start to fade. People will begin to whinge about not putting the lid on the toothpaste, not lowering the bog seat etc etc.

But ... as soon as you get in touch with your own inner being again, the feeling will / can come flooding back like a tidal wave.

The fact that feelings aren't always as strong is perfectly fine. In a healthy relationship (interdependent) you connect, then disconnect to digest what you've experience together, and to let the joy of love and togetherness carry you. You do not totally disconnect, just less actively.
Then you will start to feel like being with the other again, so you connect. And so on and so forth.

The most important aspect to feeling love is to align with yourSelf.
Just think about it... when you're grumpy about something, you are NOT being the real you. Not in alignment, because you aren't a grumpy person, it's just a moment. In that moment you will likely not feel much love. As soon as that mood has gone and you feel great again -meaning you are 'you'- you feel love flow again as well.
It really is all about your own alignment...

I think it is both action and feeling: aligning with Self (action) and then the feeling of love will start to flow.
.
.
.

Imaging " The Righteous Brothers" writing the song..
You've Lost that Daily Choice..
No no, that's not it

You've Lost that Ongoing Act of Service
No no, still not it

Hmmm?

smh

I understanding the feeling centered approach to love Rusty, but because feelings are so up and down, I fear it .

And if people need to align themselves with who they are at their core, then they have to discover who they are independently of others ie their needs, their goals, their fears , their passions, their dislikes, their values etc

Well said Crystal!

I love this Beach !

I have a romantic side to me too , but my heart will never feel safe in the care of a man whose longevity of love for me, is determined by the life span of a John Legend soundtrack in his head :)

I love this Beach !

I have a romantic side to me too , but my heart will never feel safe in the care of a man whose longevity of love for me, is determined by the life span of a John Legend soundtrack in his head :)

Just hope you realize when he dedicates "All of Me" to you, it might mean more than that day's choice of music...and last longer than the LP

Meh... A romantic serenade , even when sincere, means very little in the grand scheme of things.

Billy Joel wrote " I love you just the way you are " for his wife Christie Brinkley whom he eventually divorced , following up those nuptitals with 2 consecutive marriages to a couple of 20 something year olds when he was almost 60 .

I dont know the ins and outs of Billy's circumstances , but Im just saying that feelings , even when sincere enough to inspire tear jerking love songs, are fragile and do not always last.

I would never be in a relationship with a man I didnt have powerful romantic feelings for and who didnt have those same feelings for me, but I need those feelings to be anchored by commitment.

We all have our personal journey to happiness, and I repect every one's preferences.

But my journey will hopefully be with a man whose love is more subject to rock solid commitment than his fragile romantic feelings ,

The way I see it, Love is demonstrated as well as proclaimed.
Hollow words have no meaning.
The dedication always talked about is the acts of love you show to that one special person.
The commitment you make within yourself but it shows from the actions you take.
Love is demonstrated but there is power in the words when accompanied by actions.

I'll show my love to you so you can experience it.
I'll tell my love to you so you know I am demonstrating my love to you.

Sometimes the actions you do are not understood as love without the defining proclamation. Its because we all see and experience things differently.
People don't always pick up on things the same way.

I chose to be with you today instead of going fishing because I want to show you that I love you more than fishing. I love being with you.
I may not tell you and you may never make that connection but the sacrificial act remains. The commitment is made without you ever knowing. If it is important to me for you to know my commitment to us, I need to say something.

You bought a new dress today. You bought it because you love the way I look at you and treat you and you want me to adore you. You didn't tell me that. It is up to me and my love for you to make it so. If I never noticed, It may be as simple as distraction, It requires some proclamation from you for me to take notice. Not everytime, but sometimes.

The longer in love, the less proclamations are required for the acts of love to have meaning. The words are still important for reaffirmation but the acts are seen with greater and greater accuracy as time progresses. That is why love needs time. That is why acts of service and proclamation of feelings and intentions are vital.