settle for something that we know is less than love?

no heart palpatations,

you are not getting anxious, nervous

cannot wait to see him or her

or hear their voice on the phone


everything is quite matter of fact, calm

and arranged




why do this?

I don't...maybe I should

Loneliness is one factor .A lack of social skills to learn better people skills, being more assertive ( women who wait on men to meet them reduce their chances by 50%) as they take a passive role rather than initiating and meeting men with their efforts too but this requires dealing with the issues of rejection,and being comfortable in asserting oneself to ask another for a meet and greet. Feeling unworthy is a self esteem issue and also usually requires help with a therapist to help devise a plan to change how one views oneself, how one feels about oneself and what to do to facilitate a change in self esteem ( men also have this issue but are less likely to admit much less get the needed help from a therapist..)

loneliness

poor self esteem



mmm..see I tried that whole online chit chat
meet for dinner thing


the first year after the divorce

I kept sitting there thinking

"holy crap I have to sit and listen to a total stranger all thru dinner..then probably a walk in park, more yapping and then fight him off when I call it a night and he tries to put the moves on me"


so I realize I am the 'odd duck'

Idk..... Personally I would rather stay happily single than miserably paired.

Can say I haven't had the settling experience. Then again, I wouldn't plan a meet and greet unless I was a little bit stoked to get to meet her.

I want to do it

wonderful sporto so message a chick and get a date

not even sure they would say they are unhappy

I hear things like

well he treats me well

or at least I am not home on a friday night

or better than nothing

or she listens to me

When I was younger it was low self esteem, when I got older it was loneliness ,now its a realization that it has to be the right one.

Nothing in perfect. Are they settling? Is settling if you are happy and in love with the person. If the oh your are fing annoying is worth the love you feel. If he is good to her and she loves would you call that settling? Maybe an evaluation is necessary. I consider settling being miserable with someone and staying with them anyways. But then who is settling fair too? Personally, I feel settling cheats everyone involved.

interesting point...what defines settling

is it when two people stay together because " he just gets me" ?


or because they have mutual interests and need for a companion?


is it because a person has now reached a certain age?


fear of rejection?


too many battle scars?

all creatures are seekers of value.
Us humans have the capability to choose our values to a degree and are quite capable of substatuting one value for another when availability is scarce.
sounds like your reevaluating a substitution.
Your belief in how realistic any future alternatives you imagine will add weight to your choice.
Of course we are quite capable of believing the impossible is possible.
Also immediate gratification is also enticing.

actually I am one of those odd birds who do not date



this is something I am seeing more and more in my age group

right now as we speak

I know four couples


guilty of this situation

three of them are married

and I am fairly certain

due to conversations, things they have said or let slip

that they are not in love with their spouse

these are second marriages by the way

That's why you don't go for dinner on a first date/ meet & greet but a shorter get-together for a cappuccino. A first date shouldn't last much longer than half an hour-an hour. I sometimes allow for an hour and a half if he drove halfway through the country (which means some 3 - 3,5 hrs drive). I find it rude to then walk off after half an hour.
But don't ever have lengthy first dates and certainly never ever dinner.

I agree with you on that.... I always tell people that I would rather have "No Man" then the "Wrong Man"

Some people think they have to have someone in their life to make them happy so they settle and it usually doesn't work out well for them....
I know that I have to be happy first in order to make someone else happy...
Don't get me wrong I do want someone to share my life with but if I don't find them I know I'll still be okay...

Honestly I will not stay with someone just to be there..

I have no problem living alone and actually enjoy my time..

I have never stayed with anyone just to have someone around..

But I have seen it more out of convenience or at times some have gotten so use to it they are scared of changes or think they can not make it on their own.. I have seen several do it due to money situation ect or the kids..

Myself when it gets to the point you don't know why you are with someone it is time to move on..

At times some relationships get in a rut and it is time to revamp it take some needed vacations away from everyone.. It is not cause they don't love each other it is cause they have let the spark die out due to life, work, kids ect... Got to break the routine.. and ignite the spark they felt when they first met.. Many times it is due to they got comfortable with each other and forget to do the little things for each other that brings a smile... to their face.

I won't settle. But I think it's different for everyone, depending on what you expect out of life. I expect a relationship and partner to be an addition to my life. The icing on the cake.
Nurturing, and stimulating each other in growth and development.

Many ppl aren't looking for that, they just want a companion, not having to be alone, simply the comfort of having a partner that sort of feels good.
I think most of these people aren't looking for more, because they themselves cannot generate more either. You cannot attract what you haven't got (to give).
For instance ... when you're miserable, lonely, unhappy on your own, you can not attract a happy totally positive partner either. You will always attract what's vibrationally on your own level.
That's why it is so important to work on your own growth. For yourself, mind you, not for someone else or with that goal in mind.

The people you attract do reflect what you send out. So you can see them as mirrors. If you don't like who you attract, you know you have to work on yourself. Simple as that.

you think it's laziness
or they have just given up?



I see so many say on here that they just want a no strings attached
friend with benefits


that they do not want to bother with romance

why is that? because it's easier

or because no feelings are involved?



is this a gender thing?