A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metriccation will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


John Cleese

ok if this stuff was true i would go along with most of it it but


"13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). "


F*** THAT!!! if anyone ever thought about taking away our Football or Nascar,they would be blood in the streets!

Viva la Neo-Revolution!

Does Canada still get to keep North Dakota?

It's about damn time!
I'm surprised it took them this long! :-)

i hear nothin but the rain

time to grab my gun and bring the cat in

boom boom boom

*grabs shotgun*

Dont tread on US!!!

I'm so with u jt!

If Britain takes the U.S. back who will save them, France and Italy from the next evil dictator set on taking them over?

OK, the Brits couldnt beat us 231 years ago what makes them think they could now?

I know yall need money to give to that bow-legged bearded woman you worship, (I think yall call her queen), but you wont get it here!!

brilliant...gotta love Cleese

Well for a start, you wouldnt go to war so much, although natural selection does have its benefits.

You wouldnt have a large %age of your housing market being reposessed.

.. and I agree about your "football" It would be a great way of keeping all the US Marines from hurting themselves

... and Fanta, what makes you actually think that we would want to take on such a dead weight?

Although one could actually draw the analogy between John Cleese having the same initials as another comdedian.
... and people have been listening to him for 2000 years ...

Ok I'll laugh a little but remember the USA is first in aid to other countries but last in respect! I say bring the money home! Still the greatest country in the world and I salute the veterans.

yaaaaaawn

Another chest-beating drummer ..

When will you lot ever learn about sarcasm and irony?

Hehehe

Now make a quick thread about how France is better than the USA. And watch the feathers fly...

You have a worryingly refreshed mind ...

Then I just looked at your profile ... A European. Phew ... back to status quo.

I thought the gene pool had accidentally become deeper, but no ...

I don't know whether to kick your ass american style or thank you for the compliment.

Let's recognize that Americans are ..... different and move on shall we?