I still don't get the difference between these two, and a Google search doesn't clear it up either.
It's as if no one knows?

It's so contradictory:
- We all want to find that significant other to love and for them to say those three words that mean so much "I LOVE YOU!"

Yet when they break up with you they say:
- "I love you but I am not in love with you."

What the bleep?
First we all want to hear "I love you" than suddenly those same 3 words are the excuse to break up?

I always thought "IN LOVE" was what you feel at the very beginning, when you're on cloud 9. When it evolves into deeper, realistic feelings, it's LOVE, hence "I LOVE YOU".
So when a guy says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", I feel that's a good thing. Isn't that the way it's supposed to go?

Can someone please clarify this for me?

I remember being asked about this at the start of what i would call my only real relationship. I found it easy to say i love you,but when she asked if i was in love with her i didn't know what it meant. After a little time and the relationship progressing,i got that deep feeling and suddenly knew what it meant. I now categorise love as being for family and close friends,and 'in love' as something deep that develops between lovers. I kind of understand the 'i still love you' thing when a relationship ends,that would be if you are still friends of course ! It's the friendship and understanding that still remains,but the depth of being 'in love' is no longer there :)

my brother and sister in law were married for 17 years
4 kids together...after their divorce my brother told me that he loved her but was never in love with her

..said he had only been in love once in his life and that was the girlfriend he had when he was maybe 20 and in college and it was very topsy-turvy, highly passionate, like a house-a-fire..up on cloud nine one minute, next fighting on phone and she is in tears and he had to leave work to drive the hour to be with her to convince her of his love


movie type drama with a capital D like only young love can be..she was beautiful in face and body, she drove a sports car, came from money and he was trying his best to hold onto her. She was also very unstable, took a bunch of pills and had an eating disorder which made her very needy
she ended up leaving him, droppin out of school and he thinks going back to her abusive boyfriend

they were only together a few short months so very much in the beginning stage and she was this mess of a girl in need of rescuing and she was beautiful and needy and it was very passionate and explosive


he would have walked across cut glass on his knees for her

I being the smart azz I am pointed out that he has placed her on a pedastool in his mind that no woman can compare to

and ..that if he had married her it would not have been a walk in the park
they would have argued over money since he was going to community college and working as a manager of a restaurant and she came from a rich family and was used to buying whatever she wanted

" ugh is this the house we can afford"
" what do you mean you are taking my credit cards"
" I need these shoes, and these shoes and this coat"

you would have had to put your foot down with her
and tell her " no honey I cannot walk out the door on my job or answer the phone everytime you call me with one of your little emergiencies or I will get fired"

she would have said " well then FINE I guess you don't really love me"

she liked to go out and party with her friends and you would have told her no you want her home with you

you would have seen what she looked like with no make up in sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt
you would have argued over whose family to visit on holidays
and if she would have gotten pregnant?? think about how insecure she was about her body ..she would have ended up in therapy over a few stretch marks


he said " thanks a lot T for ruining the fantasy I carried around with me for 20 years"

" no problem"

"I love you but I am not in love with you." This is usually what happens after the break up where the romantic feeling towards each other no longer exists. The relationship becomes a platonic love where you don't have sexual desire already, only purely spiritual , friendship and mutual respect remains. While when you are in love, you have this strong feeling of affection and a burning desire for someone; there's a deep emotional and irresistible physical connection existing between you and your partner.

Sure!

It's pretty easy.

It's one of the million socially acceptable lies and BS that people constantly spew at each other as a means to avoid conflict, pain, and having to commit to a decision.

Little different than "I like you, but not that way," or, "it's not you, it's me," or, "...but I'd like to be your friend/we can be friends."

If someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," you are pretty much assured they reside just to the left of any type of intelligence measuring bell curve, communication in their relationships pretty much suck, and most likely a major factor is wanting to avoid (at least emotional) conflict.


People are getting weaker. In their convictions, their opinions, their ability to commit to their decisions. All out of fear.
Fear of judgment, fear of being ostracized, fear of even the most minute amount of pain of any kind.
People keep looking for ways to do things to make sure no one gets hurt, most especially themselves.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
Oh. You're going to question it? What do I mean?
Uhhhh...It means I'm not 'technically' breaking up with you, that would make me the bad guy, that would mean I'm victimizing you.
That would cause drama and problems I'm responsible for.

Can't have that soooooo...I'm just going to stop holding you back from finding your passionate real true love!
Yeah, that's it!

Oh, yeah, and if you act now I throw in this set of platonic loving you so you can feel good about feeling loved!
So win win win all around! See? Breaking up isn't 'that' bad. You get parting gifts and it's in everyone's best interest.

So if you feel bad, it's your responsibility.

If you blame me for breaking up with you, or judge me for it, then you're the bad person. Because...I said I loved you. Can't judge me bad. You can't get mad or argue and fight. If you do, then you're the bad person here. I tried to amicably end our relationship for your benefit. I get brownie points for being honest. If you attack me, or judge me bad, then you are attacking and judging someone that loves you. You can't do that. It's against the rules."



People know.
They just don't want to admit it to themselves, or they simply aren't smart enough to understand.

In the beginning the phrase should be "I lust for you"

So when a guy says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", I feel that's a good thing. Isn't that the way it's supposed to go?




Have you ever really liked someone but not in a sexual way? I love lots of people, friends, relatives. Sexual, not even slightly. It would be gross to even consider. My last girlfriend is a fine lady but the fire went out, that doesn't mean I don't care for her. I wish her health, wealth and happiness, but I am moving on.

Yeah, I get all that.

But it still does NOT explain why we value saying / hearing "I LOVE YOU!"

And that's what we all say and/or want to hear when we really really really want the relationship to go somewhere, when you have deep feelings of love and want to spend the rest of your life together with that person.

Then you don't say "I'm in love with you!" ... You say "I love you!"

When a guy proposes he would likely (hopefully) say "Please marry me, I love you so much!"
And not "I'm in love with you"

So in a relationship what really matters is saying / hearing "I LOVE YOU"
yet you are now all telling me that it actually means there's nothing there anymore?
Then why do we all want to hear it from our significant others?

So far no one has explained that ...

I love potatoes, I'm in love with potatoes, bolt to me are the same. I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I saw it, as a polite breakup. It can be, I love you, but not really... I like you. The word "but" cancel everything said before. I'm not racist but... I love you but... .What it will change anyway to know the difference, if there is any.

Okay, I think I see what you are missing. You are taking the phrase "I love you" to mean exactly one thing. That everyone means the same thing when they say it.

Perhaps you could ponder this a bit:

There is a big difference between saying "I love you," and Loving you.

What most people want, is to actually BE loved. Not just to hear the word love occasionally. We do value hearing it, only because we hope to actually get it.

You will also find a large number of people in the world who have been told "I love you" by liars or deluded people too many times, and so though they still yearn to hear someone say it who really means it, they no longer get excited at the words alone.

if by saying " I am in love with you" they mean those butterflies in the belly, nervous, excitement and thrill of the beginning of a relationship

and that is actually what they are 'hooked' on and instead of understanding that real love will mature, deepen and strengthen as time goes on..if two people truly care for one another

this kind of person is not willing to put in that kind of time
or emotional commitment
and wants to run out and " fall in love" with someone new

so they say " I love you but as it turns out..I am no longer 'in love ' with you or perhaps I never really was..oh it felt like it in the beginning ..but now..not so sure..so toots I am off to find greener pastures"

translates to I care for you or at least I am saying so on my way out the door

'I love you' speaks for itself, when voiced.

Being 'in love' is like being blinded, everything
is seen through rose-colored glasses, you do not
care what preferences they meet or do not meet,
you are blind to faults and flaws.
You are ovwewhelmed.

Such that you are comfortable moving from love to
being 'in love.'

Sort of an internal checks-and-balances for those
who wish later to say 'I never really loved them.'

Followed up with "let's move in together" after the third date.

Coming to a screeching halt. Red alert, red alert!!!
Moving in together after date 3?
I think I'd run for the hills, and then I'd be in real trouble, cos we ain't got no hills. Holland is almost as flat as a pancake

I actually know a guy who moved a girl in with him after the third date. They lasted six years....five of which he was miserable.

There ya go! You got to at least wait long enough to find out if he can keep up sexually and 3 dates aren't nearly enough for that! And I need to know if his appetites match mine, and I am not likely going to tell him about those within 3 dates