I've 5 boys, which means 5 wives. They've remarried. One Daughter-in-Law gets upset when I say something about the ex wife.She says that I'm being Disrespectful to her. So now I've to watch what I say. I think this is BULL. I Talk about my other ex wives.plus my ex husband. It's hard to stop caring about a person that been in your life since 1996. WHAT DO YOU THINK ?!

I think it depends on what you're saying....

If you are comparing the new daughter-in-law to the old one, and constantly associating the old-one with your son then yes it is disrespectful.

If you're inviting the old-daughter-in-law to family gatherings with the new-daughter-in-law yes it is disrespectful

but if its relevant to mention the old-daughter-in-law in a past-context it's not...

but if it's current then it is...meaning telling your son how 'old one' is doing currently, in front your 'new one' then yes it is disrespectful

I have two kids only one has been married twice.. Sure her name gets brought up once in a while but sorry to say it is not in a loving way...

It all depends why their names are being brought up if they had kids together then their names will always get brought up due to the kids..

If not then sure the new wives will find it disrespectful to bring the exes name up..

They will feel as if you are comparing them to the ex... hard ball to swallow...

Ex husband is different when talking about them totally different situation... I talk about my ex but then it is the kids dad.. and I don't dish him ect..

It's all in context.

I think yes, you should watch what you say, put yourself in their shoes and wonder how you'd feel.

Obviously there will be times when you have to mention the others, but like some other people have said, it can probably be hurtful if not said in the right way.

I don't think anyone here is asking you not to care, just to tread more carefully.

You are being disrespectful to your son and your new daughter in law. He made a choice and that is his choice. You should just be there to support them and their decisions. Let go of the past and move on in your life.

its natural..........you just have to be careful

^^^^ This, and what TxsGal said.
And to add to the above quote ..
If you often talk about the old one -even in relevant context-, you may want to ask yourself why this relevant context still comes up so often, and who raises that 'relevant context' all the time.

Often parents / in laws have more problems letting go of their children's ex partners then the children themselves.
I think it's quite logical that a new partner doesn't feel exactly welcomed in the family when her new in law(s) keeps talking about her predecessor.

I feel parents / in laws should maybe more often do the same thing their child did: Let go and move on. Respect your child's choice and give the new love in their life a chance!

This exactly. Nicely summed up!

is she part of this new society of people that cant have there feelings hurt? you dont need to walk on eggshells for anyone. if she cant woman up and grow up then FK her

She was upfront it's upsetting to her so i think you have to decide whether you want to keep upsetting her or not she didn't ask you to stop caring

I am gonna spin a bit differently here.
I have one EX daughter in law that is a beautiful person inside and out. They were married about 8 years before my son dipped his wick where it didn't belong. Is that my fault or hers no it is his.


We are still friends, she is the mother of my grandchildren. He is newly engaged after about 4 years of being single. I sat down with him and told him upfront. I wouldn't invite so and so around if I knew he was going to be in town if you surprise me with the new one then yeah you might get a bit uncomfortable.

It is really a sad fact of life that there are EX DIL,SIL, BIL, ETC... That are wonderful people.

My Sister and her husband got a divorce after about 18 years of marriage Her EX is my brother still to this day.


Now your New DIL has said it bothered her. This could be handled a bit differently.

Tell her that you meant no offense not now or ever. In your mind they are both wonderful people. And just because someone isn't an immediate part of your family anymore doesn't mean that the heart quits loving.

And refrain from discussing the EX or anyone else around her.

I agree with what Sitka Rains said

The way I look at it I did not pick my sons wives and I did not have any thing to say about their decisions to divorce if they choose that route.

If they bring these women into MY LIFE it is my choice if I like them, dislike them, have a relationship with them, or don't. My kid gets no say in the matter. I don't call him up and say how do I be in a relationship with this woman and he sure doesn't get to say himself or through a current girlfriend, fiancé, or wife how I relate to them.

For much of my life I believed in the Daughter in Law status until it became clear that is another one of those Disneyland dreams. She is someone's daughter but if I did not bring her into this world or adopt her she is not mine.

She could easily be my best friend but that isn't instant either. Not real likely because of the age span but not impossible.

Can he influence my feelings telling me negative things I would not other wise know? Sure. But I am loyal to people and don't play immature games like " if you love me you have to do this".

Believe me if an Ex is an Ex for a reason that includes "abusing" my child in anyway they are immediately my mortal enemy but if it is the typical reasons marriages fall apart I am not getting involved.

ESPECIALLY if when a Grandchild is Born creating my role as Grandmother. Then I have a responsibility to the Grandchild to nurture his mother. Make her life easier and protect her because of her value to my Grandchild. If she is kind, respectful, reciprocal that relationship lives on as long as it can and I see no reason to rebuff it.

All that said if my child asks for my blessing on his marriage, or subsequent remarriage, and I give it, I have to stay out of their relationship and not sabotage it by other loyalties.

Since I have always taught my children that they may be my child but when they marry they cleve unto their spouse they put that relationship first.

That means I have to respect the subsequent wife and her status. That does mean trying to be tactful and considerate in not co-mingling the relationships. I have to have enough grace for my child's partner to not have to talk about a previous spouse just like I would expect her not to dishonor me by talking about unpleasant things. I would not display my child's ex spouse picture in my home, and I would not ask her to be a guest at family gatherings. After all divorce is divorce and if she consented to it then she loses certain statuses as family.

Would I let a secondary spouse I never endorse try to dictate my words or relationships? NOT happening. And I make it also clear to my children that how they let their spouses treat me is exactly the same as if they did it themselves. They marry them they are no longer independent entity they are one. I don't let my children disrespect me; period. I go to my child's house and they smart mouth me for and innocent mis-statement I go home.

If they are kind about saying hey Mom this subject upsets me can we switch gears I respect them and move forward. Families won't survive if people can't communicate their feelings realistic or other wise.

Feeling like you are competing with a well like ex-spouse is a rough road to navigate and as a Mother I should be able to be sensitive to that fact and go the extra mile. Even if it means making a little extra effort to reassure the new spouse the you are trying to be closer to her. Especially if you are a guest in her home. A compliment and hug will go a long way to build her confidence. She has to have something on the ball she picked your son.

Just be yourself. Anything else won't work.

This answer made a lot of since to me ^^^ I would feel very uncomfortable if I was in her position... but she told you the truth ... instead of talking about u behind your back ...

I have yet again another take on all this kind of thing.

It's life. It's what happens day to day. We do things, make choices,and things happen, and then we have to deal with the results.

Trying to work up some set of general principles, rules of good conduct, or come to decisions about who was officially right and who was officially wrong, in the end, just confuses things.

In this case, there's who you are, OP, and who your herd of daughters in law each are. Some of them will be more in tune with your way of thinking than others.

Trying to force them to behave as YOU wish, isn't going to work any better than them trying to force you to behave as THEY wish. So trying to come up with a consensus of whether or not one of you is "more okay" than the other, isn't going to accomplish anything.

If you want to get along with each person, and they want to get along with you, you'll find a way. Maybe you'll try to make a mental note to NOT complain when the one who doesn't like it is around. Maybe she'll decide to put up with your complaints, having voiced her opinion about it.

If you both decide that it's all or nothing about each other, the only thing that happens is you stop being a part of each other's lives.

Me, I would just deal with it. Accept whatever friction there is, as a normal "cost of doing business." That's just because family is more important to me than rules.

DITTO

I think you should take her request as a compliment, because it is obvious that she respects you and being a latecomer to your family she is probably a little sensitive to your opinions, just pay a little more attention to her and this will pass.

Personally I try to treat each relationship on its own merits. .. regardless. .of other people's relationship with them..oui. ..