I'm not a fan of ultimatums personally, but in this case I would stand my ground. You can't be with someone if they dont' respect you, cus if they don't respect you then you cant' trust them.

The acid test, haven't heard it called that before, but yes...

THANKS JAY

Today it's the friends you have, tomorrow it's the clothes you wear, the day after how you wear your hair, the day after that the expression on your face.


It smells like control issues to me.

Either accept as is friends, ideas, likes and dislikes, or don't.

I think I would trust my gut instinct. There comes a time when a relationship gets serious that there is a certain natural limit that developes on your friendships out of respect for your partner. Calling that often is not friendship that is neurotic and a partner that needs that kind of ego boost is ultimately not going to be that great a partner. I would proceed very carefully. Certainly sounds like a big RED Flag on your relationship. I think when a potential partner says cut off friendships you should get very nervous because that is often a hint of future emotonal abuse by social isolation but limiting a same sex friendship to public places or day time hours or at least when others are around is not anything so out of the relm of common respect for your mate. People talk enough trash with out you giving them fuel for the fire. If you sound like you are cheating, look like you are cheating, or make your partner feel like a second class mate to your friends then you are short changeing your mate and should figure out why their comfort and security in your relationship is such a low priority with you. Kind of a tough call all around. Lot ot think about for sure.

yes, very much, go with your gut. I may seem to lead with my heart, but my gut always tells me when somethings wrong, hence the short relationships. Its never steered me wrong. "Woman's Intuition" is not just a cliche, its what we have to live by. If you feel that is mostly the girls doing that, get their numbers and call them yourself. Maybe hearing it from you personally will scare them back into the skank farm they crawled out of...

It's YOUR responsibility to understand the root of your insecurity/concerns about his girl friends and to tell him how you feel.

It's HIS responsibility to draw the line with those friendships and to be considerate of your feelings.

But, you can't make him change and you can't tell him what to do. There's no rush to marry, so have patience and give it some more time to work itself out. Make sure you are at peace with the resolution before you walk down that aisle!

Good luck!

THANKS YOU ALL,

I guess you can say I was just double checking and making sure that I wasn't the long ranger on this. And to kinda see if maybe, I am over reacting alittle. God know these girls have worked THAT LAST NERVE! And I have expressed that to him, and now I'm just waiting to see his course of action, you know to see if it matches his words.

but he know that non of the dealing with them has been easy even with seval attempts. He has said that he loves me more than anything or anyone, that he would be will to die for me. Well lets just see about these annoying, disrespectful, needy girl friends.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm things that make you go hummmmm first of all my best friend is a guy we have been friends now for about 20 years would I ditch him because the guy I was dating had a problem with him. Humm HELL NOOOOOOOO!! first of all we are only friends nothing else nor has there been anything else.

To me when you start saying who you can be friends with or talk to where you can go or what you can do. This starts to be a control issue instead. They either take me the way they found me or they can move on.

I'm not them and they are not me so don't try to mold me into what you what. If I'm not what they want then they need to find the one they want and not settle for one that is not and try to change them.

That is just my outlook on things.

First of all the way I see it is you should trust them until they have broken that trust then they would have to earn that trust back. But from the beginning the trust should already be there.

Everyone sees things different then the next person does. But I still say that when you meet someone and start dating them. That there friends or the way they did things is a part of that person. And no one should go in and try to mold that person into what they want them to be like let them be who they are.

I mean I could understand if they were someone that they had dated prior but even then one must know all the facts before jumping to conclusions and giving them a choice either your friends or me. For they might not end up with the results they expected to get.

hey Tex,
And the chose is his to make and I will live with whatever that decision is. Like I said earlier, sum of these girls have been disrespectful, (I called him, & she lied saying that he was busy, when in fact she just didn't want him to speak to me. Which he did set her straight, but she don't understand why she not welcome around anymore) the calling for unnecessary advice (20 times in 2 days) or calling for sexual advice all which is crap. AND THE ANY HOUR CALLS- MIDNIGHT, 1am, 2am, 4am, anytime just to see what u r doing... hmmmmmmmm

doesn't sound right to me, but ive been there done that. i feel in a relationship im not gonna ask the other person something i wouldnt ask of myself. if he wants you to ditch your male friends he should ditch the female friends he has. if not he'd have to deal with the fact you have these friends, they just happen to be guys and should trust you not to do him wrong. afterall you wouldnt expect him to disrespect you and your relationship, why would you do that to him?

These are friends that were MADE before you guys got together..I shoud think that your lives should not change JUST because you guys are together ...if there is trust and love between each other...then its all good! Good luck!

May have been, but life is full of changes. And we are to become 1, the extras, have no place in our lives. That will only cause confusion, we have each other, our children, our jobs, siblings and parents depending on us that enough. And it wouldn't have been so bad if there had been guide lines in place. To many people in a house or marriage is never good. A marriage is 2 people becoming 1 (n our family). We are no longer single and shouldn't live as such.

This is sounding like a situation I just got out of. Except I was the girl that was a friend. I did nothing wrong and my guy friend kept propositioning me and calling me at 2am. I yelled at him several times since he was in his first "grown up" relationship and he is supposed to love this girl but somehow he twisted it around to make her think I love him. I am like this kids big sister!! Needless to say, I got cursed out for no reason and this guy got off without a scratch. It was insane. Basically similar to what others have said it is his duty to keep these girls in their place if he wants to keep them around and you around for that matter. If these are his true friends then I think they would understand the boundaries. They are not sounding to be very considerate so he probably should reevaluate them. For you, you just have to trust him I guess. My ex fiance was always scared that my guy friends would cross the line but it was he who ended up doing it with his girl friends.

Cross my fingers and good luck to ya because I know that is a very sticky situation.

ya gotta have honesty,trust and respect from both side of a relationship or it most likely will fail.

Good luck!

Well, hey everyone, As he said he is trying to deal with the girl friend issues, but I believe that this is a bit much on him, so I am considering removing myself from the situation. He has repeatedly stated that 1 individual girl is just calling several times a day b/c of the heart break with her ex-husband a yr and 1/2 ago and that that's all she is really talking abt. And when I stated make boundaries on number of time she call or you call her back, he was like, Charisma you don't understand. Soooo, now regardless to how I feel abt this man I think that it is going to be better in the long run that I just let it go. Because I not feeling all of this and there are several that I haven't met (that haven't been a pest) but it has gotten to the point where he has notice the numerous calls and now leaves his phone in the car on the weekends when he's here. And if they need him that bad, there's no room or time for us.

Charisma, girl I understand you fully on what your saying yeah the girl is way out of line no doubt sounds to me she is doing it on purphose and well is it posssible there was something between them at one time?

But see it is not you I was saying was wrong.


First of all he is the one that threw a fit about your male friends. Had you had a sexualy relationship with them in the past and he knew that? Cause hon if you had not you just threw 2 10 yr friendships to the curb for a guy that is a control issue on his part.

Now you have asked him to do the same thing and he is beating around the bush. Come on girl what is good for the goose is good for the gander!! But ya see those that try to control others dont see it that way.

As far as what your asking him HELL YA I WOULD TO THAT B**** WOULD BE KICKED TO THE CURB!

See I'm not saying your wrong except in the part were you kicked your friendships you had to the door,

My best friend is that does not matter if male or female I know he will always be there cant say that about a guy I'm in a relationship with.

So maybe your the one that needs to look at the over view of this for he is dead wrong!! And it is you HE IS TRYING TO CONTROL!! AND DO FAR AS STARTED TOO MAKING YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE BOTH WAYS NOW HE IS STALLING. TILL YOU LEAVE IT ALONE THEN HE WILL FIND ANOTHER ISSUE TO CONTROL YOU ON.

SO SEE GIRL I DON'T THINK YOU ARE WRONG ON WHAT YOUR ASKING HIM!

UPDATE: after we have had a few days of letting this shimmer, and Us being into it b/c of the bs friend issues. He has ended the situation with the messy friends. Now by all means there are several other female friends, I guess that I will just have to step back and see how things unfold with them. And also to watch and pay close attention to him and his leval of respect on this issue. Because he has said that he don't want me to ask him to say or set how often these girls call or about what, hmmmm, we'll see. He has stated that he don't want to lose me over this, but that he don't want to change everything that was before we met to meet where we are now. And I feel that as long as the friend issue don't come before our relationship we are fine. But he has told the girls that were disrespectful, needy, frequent callers (3) that they can no longer communicate or be friends b/c it conflicts with his/our relationship. I DIDN'T AND DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM EITHER. WE BOTH REALIZED THAT, THAT IS MUTUAL.......

ya you have to watch out for those "friends"......My ex hubby had some of those too......I dont think he was fooling around with them but it did make me uncomfortable that he would leave to go out and smoke a joint with them.....and leave me alone with strangers......

Hmmmmmm didnt even invite me.....

Trust is a learned behaviour...do try either for this relationship or for anything that concerns you. The thing is if your man hurt then you are better off without him. he should know what if important to you both.

No, both should not feel threaten about these outside people if you both love each other. You don't have to stop talking to men as long they know you are taken and no lead them on either. if you can maintain that, you can deal with anything