Thanks so much for the explanation. I wholeheartedly agree that with the outburst there is a trigger. At the end of the day, both are responsible for it getting to that point. Trust me, I often sit and think, "What I am I doing wrong? It must be me." I've had two divorces and a failed engagement. So I just think it's best for me to just give up on this whole relationship thing. I've tried hard and enjoyed it but no more. I just don't have the energy for it. I decided this before I got sick.

I never married this person. I would never get back together with him. Too volatile and unhealthy.

Glad to hear of your daughter graduating! You sound like an outstanding father. Sorry your marriage did not work out.

Jody

Since you are in a reflective mood I'm encouraged to add some simmering thoughts.

First women are quick in speech and more articulate on their thoughts. You responded even before i could complete editing my previous post. The downside is women in their speed processing hang their thoughts on cliches. For instance..

Why is it that when a man cries it's funny? For him it's his confession to you that he was wrong. Oh yeah, when a woman cries, something within the man aches ...

Ok, real men like Clint Eastwood never cry: they just chews the cigar harder. Don't be too sure. As bachelors we all started as Eastwood but after divorce some of us mellowed to Dean Martins. We may have matured but we lost that confidence when it counts. We weep over our past. If our women could betray us and our child no longer needs us then what's left but to drink that cup. haha. And yeah, Dean used to drink a lot cause he was scared he may start to cry, haha. (sorry Dean, just talking about the other side, you know)

I realize extending this conversation is hazardous for my health but it's time some of the Lady Minglers re-think about their Ex loves and how they mismanaged them.

Regarding outbursts: Here's the pattern.
everything goes fine till after the baby is born. Suddenly the new father loses interests in sex. The woman feels neglected. She smiles and tells him he must be 'Gay'. He wonders where that came from. Next, he chats with the beautiful lass next door. The woman says she will cut off his.. He starts to simmer within. Few days later she serves some burnt toast - he calls her a stupid 'itch'.
It's not that men are insane, just slowly driven to insanity.
(and Oprah says: get out of this abusive relationship; /that's right, go find another victim)

This guy you say is volatile. You, we love for the gentleness and the ever-flowing kindness you exude even under these very hard circumstances. But I'm not the only guy who loves you. In fact this is no longer about you my dear; it's now about us volatile...and how you could have so easily managed us.

Life after divorce, man loses his ambition:
He's now reduced to a 'biological father'. Any which way, he loses. I think most divorces are initiated by women (& their support group). Sad part is when it happens, men don't know what hit them. If that isn't love or trust then what is?

ok, you don't love your fella; but sure you can manage him? The average man is not begging for your love, just your trust.. and some respect at least for his kid's sake?

Oh, no; the kids are your rock. Exactly what my Ex said. (She wouldn't let me get near my daughter). Forgive me, it's we parents who belong to the kids; it's we who are their rocks, haha; not the other way around.

aah, what's my point in writing all this when there are so many wiser colleagues in M2.

This is what my daughter commented about the divorce between me & her mother: "It's amazing how relationships can outlast a lifetime".

Relationships? What relationships? What happened to the Church, the Temple; the unification in sight of God? What happened to holy matrimony? Was it the government, Hollywood, Oprah? (now you can understand why my daughter hates me - these tirades i get into)

So now life & love is easy come n easy go.

It's my conclusion that divorced parents should move over to a relationship of trusting friends. Time and again they should assure each other that it's not manipulative. What's X-Mas & thanksgiving; without getting together with the kids.
(Maybe i should go join up Scientology, huh!)

--xx--
To close the circle, i think the root cause of many divorces are money or the guy having an unstable job! All other issues like incompatibility, abuse, etc. are cover-ups over this one cause of stress n anxiety.
Question remains why discard your Ex (this does not mean taking him back into your love life) why distance him from a life with his children; and an everlasting friendship (even though secretly you hate him). Then watch him but those expensive gifts like a laptop. That's management.

Jai,

This particular man screamed & yelled at me because, in the end, he was laid off from work. In doing so he showed all his cards, as to what he would bring up in court; which he threatened to take me to again. He likes to make stuff up. I let him yell for a reason, I could have hung up the phone. It was very upsetting but revealing.

And yes, I think it's hilarious he called back crying; I am a southern girl, so men crying does not fit into my equation. My father cried twice during my life; each time when his sons died.

I'm sorry you were betrayed but each person situation is different.


In retrospect:

My first husband, I married too young, to get out of my home; very super controlling parents. We were unable to have kid; tried for five years. I got bored and asks for divorce. He is happily married with kids. We remain friends.

My second husband, my brother died in auto accident; I found myself in this relationship and move to Georgia. I think I was running away. We had 2 kids. I would never have left him, never that bad. But he had a problem spending money so I took him off my bank account; after about 4 years of trying to get him to control his spending. I had to pay the bills. He then left me. Just walked away from me & the kids and never looked back.

Now, another brother died, I return home, kids in tow, to Florida where I meet # 3. It was great in the beginning; we had a son. But he started drinking heavily and became increasingly violent. I am calm natured & not a drinker; But I found myself drinking more with him. I made a bad choice here. I ended the engagement for fear of my safety. That's a hard thing to do & I'm proud that I did it.

The children always need their fathers and I worked hard to maintain that through it all. I am not like some psychotic women who use the children as leverage. I can separate my personal drama from the parent child relationship.

Yes, my last two relationships went directly downhil after the children were born. I had to redirect my attention to the babies & away from the man. For these two men, they just needed to grow up, very immature.

As far as me managing persons here, I have always been up front to any individual, as to my intentions not to date. I post in the forum for fun and to vent, if needed. I try to lend a kind word or a relative story when it applies. I don't believe all men are volatile. That was just one of my relationships. (I may be unclear as to what you mean here.)

For my situation, if a man sees himself only as the biological father that is his problem not mine. I don't feel sorry for men in this respect. That's a whole other discussion and dependent on the unique circumstances of the relationship. Some fathers are awesome when compared with the mother. Same can be said of women here.

I'm not trying to manage this person. I'm trying to protect myself. I dont trust him now. In relationships, I have always given my absolute trust from the beginning. No one has to prove their self to me.

Yes, I agree money is a factor. Please understand, I do not distance my children from their fathers. I'm not sure why this is being assumed by you and you keep pounding that thought. I am the peacekeeper here and try to calm them to think about the kids and not our past relationship. I don't feel I manage people but if you see me as that, maybe I do. I'm very intelligent and diabolical. So be it.

Who wants to be managed next?

That's sweet that you said you love me (if only as a friend) but you have never met me; and probably never will. So, I don't see the point of you or any other person in the forum investing in such an emotion towards me. At the end of the day, I can deactivate and walk away from this easily. This is not my real life.


Take care,
Jody

I'm not editing; don't feel like it.

(((Tulip)))

Jai -

I hope the tone of my last post was not Too abrupt or forthright. I really enjoyed your candor and think the best you, always!

Jody

Hey girl, take it easy.
all friends here.

you can deactivate & then i can deactivate haha
the Romeo act for my Jody
or
as Datwasntme says: stay forever in Mingle Jail.

Now before our M2 friends vote to kick me out of the forums,

just make sure you single out the right graffiti, haha
( the picture failed to surface)

Frankly Jody, you are too generous a person and i don't need to expand any further on this except to admit that the reason for venting my thoughts so openly in this forum is cause i felt safe doing so cause you control this post. (You are a real person to me, a Superwoman and so i dared to share what i have with our beloved M2 community.)

For some time now, I sensed that a lot of us people are rather distressed with our egos venting out on Ex's; distancing us away from humane thoughts

Fact is men are volatile, (quite undependable when it comes to managing money) and so they marry.
If they didn't they would burn down the country.
USA, India, Russia; doesn't matter.


Seriously, the day my daughter graduated, the tone of my ex-wife changed
as if she had the moon in her pocket (the girl had not got a job yet)

Same thing, when your second child stands on his feet.
biological fathers will strain to look up at the sky and say who? my Ex?
"there she blows"

Jai,

You always crack up. Yes, we can deactivate together one day. Probably the closest thing to a sexual encounter, for me.

I realised my writing tone appeared harsh but if we would have been actually speaking it would come out different.

If anyone kicks you out of Mingleland for being honest and open here; I probably would deactivate. My Romeo act for you. Not that anyone would actually care at about me doing so at the end of the day. We would fade into the sunset together.



Jody

Thanks so much! You're a sweetheart!!!

Hi Tulip
Just popping in to say hi and how are you?
Nothing exciting has happened to me. I am keeping a low profile.
After last week it pays to stay at home.
I did do boot camp tonight. Flipping heck my hips are sore. The only comfortable position is lying on the couch with legs up. Oh my I'm so glad it's too late for visitors. I don't think I could get up.
Have a good evening.
Catch you tomorrow.

Spiritual encounter Jody, spiri-tu-al.

Yes! My comfortable position was lying flat on my back today sleeping.

My daughter is working out now, too. Sore too. She loves it though.

I got out yesterday & raked all the leaves off the driveway and then used the blower to get the rest off & make it look pretty. A little sore too. But that's a good thing.

Keep up the good work!

Yes, spiri-tu-al!

Girl, don't you have someone that can help you?
I'm doing a relay run on Saturday. Lol that should be interesting.

Bout to start homework with my 8 y/o. This takes 2 hours every nite. Ughhhh! 4 math sheets with multiplication and word problem equations and two reading assignments with a page of questions.

Aaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!

OK they have the much homework?
What are they teaching them at school?

Yes!! We taking 10 minute break right now.

Arrays, math properties, factoring, multiplication & division, setting up equations in 2 different expressions, solving word problems. All this right now.

Plus reading stories to develop reading comprehension. A story to read with 10 questions. Then we have to read a chapter in a book and answer a question.

This is every day except Friday.

OMG. GET ME A MEDIC! MY BRAIN HURTS! His dad is just taking him on the weekends so no support there. Oh how I just love getting all the hard work days and no fun weekend days. I'm putting my foot down & keeping him this weekend so we can relax together. His dad had him these past 2 weekends in a row.

I'm ok. I'm doing it. I pace myself between laundry, dishes, housekeeping, yardwork, and kids schedules & homework. It works and I rest when the kids are away at school sometimes if I get too tired. Monday is the toughest.

I don't blame you.
I did the same put my foot down. He would have her every 2nd weekend. Once we decided to grow up we could rearrange around things. That benifit the girl. Even now we keep in contact and the kids is 27.