I realized last night my last date (meet and greet) was 9 months ago. Yes, that's right, 9 months. I was so fed up with it after that one, that I decided to sod it for a while. And I still feel like sodding it for another while, like maybe a decade, lol.
That does mean that it becomes easier, and more and more pleasant, to just do my own thing, meaning it will become more and more difficult to fit a partner into my life.

I like people, but I also like being by myself. I can easily spend days without seeing other people, apart from going to the supermarket a few times a week. I don't need to be out and around other ppl much in order to be happy.
But if I continue that way, I'm doomed ... and I DO want to find a partner. I really do not want to stay on my own for the rest of my life.

And I seriously dislike meet and greets. Spending all that time talking to someone online before you do a meet and greet. I usually feel I got better things to do with my time. Isn't that something...
To me dating is fun once I've met someone and there is a click. But all these meets & greets ... waste of time.

So I've come to kind of avoid chatting with other singles on Dutch sites, cos most what you get is like the "Hello dear" stuff you get via PM here. Mostly mind-numbing chit.

All this has me wondering what other people actively do to meet a potential partner.
So what do you really do?
And how much time do you spend on it? (I used to spend a lot of time on it, but learnt that more time does not automatically render more dates. It does eat up more of my time.)

Your response is genuine but your blame for the difficulty you experience is misplaced. The person in charge of your emotions is you and not the people you avoid. The process of meeting people is a social skill and requires a variety of skills and you have aired several that make this process so difficult and frustrating. Its not wise to spend time with extended emails and texts to eventually meet as the expectations of potential match run strong and false hopes of potential mate are offered. Its better to specify a quick meet and greet in a public place to see if there is potential chemistry. This assumes you have read a persons narrative and found them to be sufficiently intelligent, interesting, employed, and share a lifestyle you can identify and feel compatible. If this is done well the chances of a match are increased but this is not a guarantee. The willingness of others to misrepresent themselves is great as people can and do embellish, distort, and lie . An attitude of open but guarded optimism is better in helping curb emotional needs for closure. Our need to be chosen can run rampant and this leads to pain and unnecessary suffering. The way in which a person defines this process emotionally will determine its outcome as almost all motivation is emotional and that means we can experience great difficulty when our emotional needs are frustrated, deceived, ignored, or challenged.If these suggestions seem too difficult another solution is to speak with a therapist to help facilitate a more effective set of coping and dating strategies to diminish the issues you hare identified....

Other than my love spells, which somewhat worked, lol, I have tried dating sites galore in the past several years. I did meet plenty of men but no chemistry for me. I also got sick of the meet and greets with men I had no interest in. I was set up on several blind dates through friends and family with the same unsuccessful results as the dating sites. I am looking for quality men, not just anyone who happens to come along with a pulse. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea but quality fish are few and far between. I am looking for a classy, attractive, successful man who is kind, generous and sweet, preferably who has no children and has never been married like me.

I am not going to give up hope. I am going to try another dating site, which I found advertised here, which introduces people to quality mates after an unusual screening process where the agents actually meet the members first before allowing them membership. The women need to be highly attractive. When that is a requirement, the men are very successful. Another possibility would be to take up a course in a subject or hobby of interest and go out and meet people casually, without the pressure of dating, and see what develops. I have traveled around the world to all 7 continents. I met plenty of men that way, too. The only drawback was that they lived too far away. But there are so many ways to meet someone, and a quality someone. Never give up hope or the search, although I totally feel your pain, Crystal.

Great thread!!!

P.S. Daddy told me that he meets women all the time just doing every day things, like walking around his neighborhood, walking Milo, grocery shopping, jogging. But you know how men are. They are not as highly selective or discriminating when it comes to the opposite sex. It's easier for them to pick up women and do the chasing and have a new woman every two weeks. But quality women want the best and we want someone for keeps!!!

you have no idea how closely you just described my life..

got no answers for ya but ya feel myself going down that same road

My technique.. excuse me miss but does this cloth smell like chloroform to you... works like a charm

What do I do? I pretend like I know what I'm doing. I don't, not a clue. To be honest I never did. Every woman that spent any time with me whatsoever literally informed me one day something along the lines of "oh, by the way, we're dating now." No kidding, I'm that clueless with regards to interpersonal relationships.


So what do I do specifically? Make myself available. Oh it's a lot harder for some poor gal on a website like this one to get me to "jump," let's face it, we haven't met, but I'm somewhat open to the idea. That being said, I still put most of my chips on the table of meeting them in real life. They say the grocery is the best place to meet single people, but I haven't had any success there (other than picking out who's single and who's not - you can tell by their purchases).


So yeah, I think for the most part, I'm just going to wait until I'm told otherwise.

I have to agree with both of you,i'm cluless as to what i should do different. I get told that it should be easier for me as a musician playing all over the place,but the reality is that i don't have much time to get to know people while there,and if i do,they are often too drunk at the end of the night for me to take them seriously...

Yeah, just wait... but that doesn't get you anywhere either in the end :/
The grocery, that's what I was hoping for, but I live in a VERY small village, and most of what walks in the grocery store, are tourists. Meaning they usually live far away, many are Germans.
The remaining few are either too short, lol, and the interesting ones always seem to have a woman on their arm or a wedding band on their finger.

But I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one with this problem.

I totally agree with you. Quality fish are indeed far and few between.
Courses and hobbies ... I don't need those for painting and writing and gardening ... I did Tai Chi for a while, only older women, so that didn't help to meet people either.

It just sux. And you know, I was very optimistic when I first started dating. I have lost that in the process. Too many men with 'just a pulse' so to speak. And I must admit I just realized I'm PO with the Cosmos for throwing me non-quality fish all the time, lol. That does make me wonder WHY I attract such men. But the entire dating thing only made me PO, didn't make me happy. I remember Krupa saying "Dating should be fun." It's not a whole lot of fun to me.
But yeah, I will have to kick myself out of the house more. Maybe just walks on the beach (uuughh...)

That dating site sounds promising. We got a similar thing over here, dating site for higher educated people. There are more quality fish on there, but it's a bloody expensive site too. I think the most expensive Dutch site there is ...

Sigh ... horrible or wot?!
(((T)))

Yeah, behind a drum kit you don't get to talk to people. And even if you get seen (often the singers get most female attraction) it prolly is the idolizing kind of chit that doesn't really get you anywhere either.

Too bad we all live so far apart, otherwise we could have a pity party, lol. Lord knows what'd happen!

Yeah, that would work ... thing is... I would like him to stay of his own free will, lol, not just cos I've got him cuffed to the rafters in the bedroom.

Oh wait... that wouldn't work, I ain't got rafters in the bedroom
.
.

I have never done anything to..search for a man.
They are like buses, another will be along in a minute.
That is just my nature.

I do think when one removes that focus, things seem to
fall into line.
Maybe because, when inactive, the pressure is off.

Maybe you have even told yourself to back off a bit.
Then, it takes a REALLY special individual to snap
you out of it. And you want to maybe.

So I have no advice on how to notch it up.
And it does sound like you have a dearth of men where you are.

I think you are going to have to widen that circle :-)

Nothing to specifically meet a potential partner.
At best take advantage of opportunities, to talk to people I am attracted to, that present themselves while living a normal life.

The most difficult challenge is the mental and emotional component.
Of trying to maintain equanimity while still showing interest, and caring less about what they're thinking and what they are going to do than care about what I'm thinking and what I'm going to do about it.


Very little, to as much as I can.

Personal development or individuality or personality and dating, it's all related.


A friend from high school went on vacation to the swiss alps, met a girl from Sweden, married her, and then moved to France.
Doesn't really matter if they're tourists or not.
No one is going to present themselves in a perfect little package with no problems or negative qualities that does nothing but make you feel good.


You can always find a reason not to do something, to maintain the momentum of status quo.

The more you are focused on maintaining the smallest thing, the more difficult you're going to find changing anything.

The more you focus on things like "too short" then more likely you are just trying to distract yourself from something bigger.
Like it's easier to say "they're too short" blaming them, than say something like "I'm afraid of change, I have a weakness," and actually look at it.


You aren't special.
I'd say a good 90% of everyone that tries online dating more than once or twice before moving off the computer forever feels the same way.

But the more you focus on the things you hate, the less you are going to notice that you like anything, and the more you are going to subconsciously work to avoid doing the things you hate.

Like kids hating vegetables that grow up into adults that develop poor eating habits.

Other than that, people are probably going through the same things you are on a meet.
I will never know the truth, because it's in you and what someone says about themselves and their motives online can't be trusted, but I wonder:

1. If you really don't see people as individuals, just a means for your own emotional fulfillment and gratification, and if they aren't immediately fulfilling you emotionally, then they are wasting your time, because they aren't fulfilling their purpose.
Whether you like the "click" and then have fun because you know you will feel some kind of emotional gratification.

2. If you realize it's okay not to put on the dating facade.
It's okay if you aren't always happy, shiny, nice, wonderful, what they want. It's okay to tell people what you are really thinking and feeling as you experience it.

IME those are common reasons why people hate first meets.

They are tired of not getting what they want emotionally, immediately, and guaranteed, or who they are on a date is different than who they are sitting at home watching t.v. and they really don't want to put on the fancy dress or pretend to care about small talk or be put into situations where they can't feel comfortable just speaking their mind and emotions.

They either came to internet dating originally because they just felt bad and see other people as the solution so are looking for the right "pill" that will make them feel better, or they got it into their head they have to go through a dating dance, game, or script before the "good" stuff happens (you can tell the latter when they start threads, post they believe in, or take as granted, that you have some kind of "the talk" to make it "official.")


A lot of women feel this way.
It always reminded me of the joke about the woman that goes to the man store but is never pleased.

Crystal... I hear you and feel your pain.. I can only share my experiences..It seemed when I was actively looking I found nothing.. I mean nothing not even something to settle for.

I have found when I am not looking, dang men fall out of the air. Then I have the job of figuring out if I want to date them or not, most of the time I don't.

The more disinterested I have become the more men that are out there.

So I have no clue. I do know I sure wasn't looking for Pancho and I know he wasn't looking for me.

I wish I could give you some pointers. Instead my beautiful friend I wish you all the best and hang in there some one worthy of you will come along. You are too special not to have that happen.

Thank you, Sitka

Had to look up 'dearth', hahaha. But yes, nail on the head ... The province I live in is beautiful, but when looking for a partner or a job this is so not the right place!
I will indeed have to widen the circle again. Thank you...

What do I do to actively find the one? Nothing.

I'm too bloody old for dating. I want to make friends. I love having female friends becuase they have a different few of things. Besides, they're more fun to hug than my male friends.

I agree with Sitka, stop looking for the "one" and just look to make some friends. Then you're never alone.

Seriously, my friends need to stop coming over so often unannounced. :-)

I've become convinced after all this time, that it's not the process that makes things happen or not between people. It's the people themselves.

I absolutely DREAD meet and greets, and trolling dating places, whether virtual like this, or physical like the old days of clubs and so on, is an immense exercise in time and life eating frustration or boredom, 98% of the time. After doing it for a very long time, I concluded that the only thing that I gain by making more inquiries, is racking up a longer list of polite or rude rejections.

Whether in online scenarios, or in so-called real life, people size each other up almost instantly. And they are either ready and interested right away, or they are not. No amount of effort really changes that.

I have known plenty of people who are to this day, sold on "putting yourself out there," because (as some have mentioned here already), they can find someone new just by smiling and waiting. But I've paid attention, and the thing is, again, it isn't that they make themselves more available than the rest of us do, it's that they are naturally better at socializing, and/or are more attractive than I am.

So my plan, is to do only ONE thing to find a mate: keep my head up and smiling as I go about my day. At least that way, if my future and last mate says hello, I will be awake and aware enough to respond.

Even the best fishermen do not always catch fish in the first place they try... or the second, or the third. Nor do they always eat the first fish they catch! Sometimes they catch many fish of the type they do not want so they have to change fishing holes or bait ... or tackle ... or the time of day.

I've seen a lot of people make the same mistakes over and over and wonder why they haven't found success. They are trying hard but not trying "smart".

Firstly, take some compatibility tests to see what type of person you "should" be able to live with successfully. Many people think their ideal is practical but is instead a fantasy.

Secondly, change your habits. Find the types of activities that compatible single men do and then join a club, buy a club, or lurk outside a club or activity where your potential mate might be. Don't be too shy. Get to know folks who know folks and ask around. Find a target! Go in for the kill but make it his idea!

Lastly, ... don't smell like fish!