I have had a good life. Without my family now and never having kids I am truly and regretfully alone. After my second divorce 4 years ago I have been desperately trying to get back the joy I had when I had family to turn to. Now I am an empty shell being told to "like myself" and "be content with myself". Mostly by people that don't have to depend on themselves for their own contentment. I loved who I was and never knew the pain of loneliness until after my divorce 4 years ago. Now after years of establishing and trying to get used to where I am in my life, it is a daily struggle. Depression and loneliness has weakened me to the point of not caring and now I am Obese and undesirable. I have had relationships since that were very filling the void for me while they lasted, but without any concrete reasons other than my own self esteem to carry on, I battle with the fear of being lonely forever, as these brief encounters turn out to be superficial and non enduring, which is so much of what I need in my life to feel at ease. There is someone in my life now that has lifted my hopes, and even though we are worlds apart, I want so much to have her as she is everything I have looked for in a woman all my life, and frankly, the only one I have ever found that fits nearly every criteria I desire. I now have a dream, a hope, a reason in life. I don't know why I'm even writing this but to rant as I cannot find myself worthy of her because of the deterioration from who I was, to who I am now. You see, not only do I need someone to love, I need to be loved, and in the way I have been loved all my life. Real Love, not superficial based on my outward appearance (which even that is less likely these days), but because of who I am inside. Hence my question. What is my purpose now, what is it about life that makes me yearn for tomorrow. Why? What for?

WOW - that was truly moving and really putting it all out there! U R one amazing human

But you're still in the 'PROCESS' and you've found a 'light of U R' life...what's the rush? Why, not just be grateful for each moment/day/week or the length of time that you have with her!

As many of the invalid/elderly that I've worked with and been there as they drew their last breath; it's been my thinking that 'MEN' right after a relationship or marriage {that failed or the partner passed away} - Men suffer their loneliness worse then the 'FEMALES' do! No - this isn't 100% fool proof thinking on my part; but the majority of middle age men/widows and lonely hearts humans seem far more swayed by gender then anything else!

Why is that? Makes me remember something from general psychology class; men are liken to canines = where they need to be comforted/nurtured far longer then the females!
Where females are liken to felines = search for what we need when we need it and if that's not available we just rest and learn to do without!

But you're well ahead of so many - right around here; you've found someone and where ever that takes you both --- the adventure won't be boring and the end of the road isn't pre-ordained where we can see what's around the bend.

Just enjoy the ride and BREATHE DEEPLY!

Sorry you are feeling so down. Since it sounds long standing I would recommend asking for medical intervention. It can often work wonders. You deserve as a human being to feel better. It could be something simple. If you are gaining weight or can't loose it I would definitely work with a nutritionist. Eating unhealthy will make anyone feel discouraged because you just feel crummy.

You are in a new stage of life and you have to figure out a way to make peace with it. It is a long way from the end of the line and you still have great potential for many better days so I would do some brainstorming and then come up with a road map to get you where you want to be. A long distance relationship is a real emotional drain so you will need some local support even if it continues to a happy conclusion. Will be cheering you on that it does. .

As any new stage of life it is helpful to find peers. Your community parks and recreation will have a multitude of resources to check into that will ease the way. Plutonic friends might be your best first step because you appear to be saturating yourself with the absences rather than luxurating in it. Or taking the opportunity to build new friends or even honor past ones.

People of our age often miss the older generation and peers we have already outlived/divorced for one reason or another. Grief counseling is often helpful and in many cases free. Talk to your local Hospice program for referrals. Delayed grief is just as potent and often amplified by accumulative losses. Your public library or even Goodwill Thrift often have books on the subject. Ageing gracefully is and art that can be learned like any other.

I recommend planning for those "quiet" days with something pleasant. A favorite pastime, a better healthy meal, being rested or if necessary a chore that keeps you busy. Weekends are rarely easy for solo folks. Even online can be kind of empty on weekends and holidays. Start planning a few activities; pot luck meals are great and affordable; church is always and option. Even setting a chat date with a friend can help break up the silence.

Don't stop living just because you are setting by the mailbox waiting for this romance to take its course.

Hope this helps. KEEP ON

I have been through so many failures in pulling myself from the pit of a very unsuccessful relationship in my last marriage. It is difficult to keep trudging forward toward a time and place that I have drawn the road map for, but knowing of how much indecision there is between now and then, along with the failures that will inevitably continue to have on that road, I am stuck. With so much uncertainty, I just can't seem to deal with just the day to day disappointments that hinder my progress.

I am hearing Groucho Marx here "I would not join
a country club that would have me."

You are insecure about yourself so you pre-determine
all your reactions..and theirs.

There is nothing wrong with spending time on yourself alone.
They will love about you what YOU love about you.

I love to golf, but cannot afford it as I have no steady income. SS benefits 1 1/2 months away (which I was previously hoping would have started this month) I am in poverty financially and fighting to keep my home out of foreclosure. I love to write but have suffered writers block until recently, but still can't get into the stuff I've already started. I started today with a plan to diet and exercise and already implemented it. When I stop to think, only the obvious comes to thought, and my energy and hope is zapped by reality.

Come on, cheer up! You are so lucky you found a special person that inspires you to get better and do better in life. Concentrate on that. Stop the negativity right now if you really want to turn your life around. Exercise, eat healthy, looking better will make you feel better with yourself. Focus on all those positive changes and be happy with that lady... You have to leave the past behind... Leave the moment... Don't screw up your chance of being happy.

It is not insecurity as much as dealing with reality of where I am in my life. "their" reactions are not predetermined. Only my actions can be such. lol, there is nothing wrong with spending time alone, but all the time other than artificial online interaction with her and not really knowing where she is with me (understanding her to not knowing herself), I do not feel secure in the relationship and as I said, I don't feel worthy of a woman like her. I am impatient, and I want to skip through the inevitable hardships that lie ahead as I am tired and disgusted with my failures.

I'm curious as to why you are still in the 'PIT OF SORROWS' about your divorce from a UNHAPPY MARRIAGE; surely you have accepted that 'learning curve' and aren't still asking yourself 'WHY - WHY didn't it work out'???

Sure - that failed marriage emotional stress can be as every bit has hard as a death --- but if in your ability to get up out of bed each day - look in that mirror and see yourself for what you admire - what keeps you breathing - what gets your chubby butt out that door to go bake --- your ability to do those things are greater then what most humans have and would just to be able to attempt to do!

Frankly - I'm thinking along the lines of PacificStar; but I'm wondering if you aren't on some type of mediation that has some psychotic side affects {which 90% of what the Dr's give people are age do}...if you are taking any prescriptions - please, read those listed side affects! Especially if you're on something 'NEW'!

We all have our own 'BAG of WOES' and struggles with those memories/events that we would love a 'DO-OVER'; but that's not possible and as our bodies age and the gravity factor takes over --- none of us are the Greek Gods/Goddesses from our youth! Aging process just likes to let go as we hit that 50+ factor --- stop hating what your body has become and learn to appreciate what you have! Write it down and put it some place you have to read each time you --- go to the toilet!
Cheer up good fellow - you've got a hell-of-a-lot to offer and do yet before it's LIGHTS OUT!

BTW - if you can't afford to GOLF; walking is free and it will burn calories...start of slow and then build up to 'POWER WALKING'---quite liberating as well.

These ladies have given you wonderful advice
frankly you come across as needy and depressed
of course an online relationship is superficial
some woman online is not going to marry you. and move in and lsten to.all your woes and take.care of you tomorrow..of course you cannot skip over courtship process
somehow you believe your happiness depends on whether or not you are loved and in relationship

I try to stay positive. Without her I could have not made it this far. I don't know how else to describe what I'm going through and where I'm heading.
She will read this most likely and what I know of her will understand. But this is not hers, she can't fix it other than to encourage me and she does as much as she can allow herself. I guess the lack of touch, the warmth of an true embrace, my poverty physically, spiritually and financially seems so overwhelming

Yes, I get what your saying and much has been said that should be encouraging. Needy and Depress......yes. Also the need to have someone to love and to love me back for who I am is critical to my happiness. I do understand the building of a relationship, my problem is I won't just settle as I did before, and finding her was truly a blessing. I'm am so ready to love her with all my being. There is much you can find out about a person online if they are honest and upright. She is that and much more. I guess this day is another passage in time that makes me doubt my endurance, as I said, I am truly impatient, especially at times like these.

If it is meant to be then it will work out but it is not her job to be available to you 24/7 like phone in hotline just because you happen to be bored or sad or lonely
A real relationship is a two way street
if you want to give this woman the best you have to offer?I.suggest you start working on yourself

I guess that was the reason why I posted here, to reach for some reassurance that I'm not crazy to think as I do now. I know what I am capable of. I know that I can love with every thing I have. Not being able to do that for a long period of time is unlike any of my past life experiences. I'm not used to it, and in comparison I loath where I am at this time in my life. That being said, I hope you understand that as things are now, I am not myself and my struggle is getting myself back. I know what I need to be, how I need to think, how I need to move forward. I just keep running into walls that hinder my confidence in ever getting who I was back. Yes, it is not her responsibility, that is why I posted here. I haven't had to do this since I met her because she has always been there for me, just that lately my life has had so many hurdles to jump with many more to come, that any failure is hard to overcome.

I mean this in the most compassionate way possible.......You really should try some professional therapy. Loathing oneself and needing to not be alone arent quite normal. Good luck to you.

I never said I loathe myself, I loathe where I am in my life. Not quite the same. Needing someone in my life I consider to be normal, and loneliness for a while is tolerable. To think that I may be lonely the rest of my life is not.

As another disabled person, who has been through the process of getting disability pay, I know what a drawn out gut wrenching dehumanizing experience that can be. I am in the process of selling my home because I can no longer afford to keep it. I too have been on my own for some time. I do not know how you feel, because I am not you, but I have been through a few similar events. Try not to look so much at the biggest picture. Take your steps and your victories in small ways. They do eventually start to build into bigger things. As others have suggested, please please go talk to your doctor, and think very seriously about counseling. Neither of these things make you weak, it takes great strength to admit you need some help. Just like the courage and strength you have shown by making this post.

Ok - Ok...would you for just few moments re-read what I've collected here from your postings!

And after that...allow what you've typed to sink in and attempt to put yourself in that dear-warm-blooded woman's shoes for a minute!
GOOD - GRIEF man...are you trying to sabotage your new 'love interest' with this method of desperation! I'm trying to be as gentle with this wording as possible; but I've gotta say - you're putting a WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT upon her shoulders and for me --- that would scare the BeeGeezers out of me and I'd FLEE the scene!

Certainly - I'm not her - I won't even ASSume to be her equal; but you've got to SUCK IT UP DUDE or you may end up with exactly what you dread the most...because of your desperation and NEED drove her - scared her away!
So financially you lose your home; relocate - down size - find something - start looking because the grasping onto what once was isn't necessarily going to be what you need right now! Home ownership is costly and a heavy burden too! I know from what I speak; I've had to re-evaluate my life twice in the past 22 years and it hurt - it sucked - but I wasn't going to allow it to BEAT ME - I just picked up and moved on!
Are you going to take the BUMPS of life kicking & screaming or are you going to say "F - It" and keep moving???
Prayers & Positive Power being said just for YOU

OK if you were in a peer support group the likely hood that people would start telling you are singing the world's saddest song on the worlds smallest record is real good.

Or you have "BUT-iteis is likely. I would be happy "BUT" this happen and that happen, "BUT" my wallet has this big hole in it, "But" I just am sure this next sympathetic ear is going to be my saving "GRACE", "But" I can't follow through on that solution because my butt is glued to the pity potty. "But " I know you are right. "But" please just listen I don't think you understand I am different. "But" I am not the problem; I know I could do better if somebody anybody will just listen to me "but" my head against this brink wall of denial.

Solutions are not any more instant than the causes that got you into the pit you are in. When you are in a sinking boat and bailing with a teaspoon you are going down with the ship.

I don't blame you for repeating the same mistakes that you have. So far your wailing has gotten you lots of attention and a series of mediocre relationships that put off the problem for years. That the coping technique you are using Is pretty ingrained. BUT I have to ask you How's that really working for you?" You are hear chatting the same matra that has dug you shovel by shovel into a hole.

Either you listen and keep working the programs that work or stand in the hole until you drop. Your choice.

I pretty much guarantee the current "listener" will tire of the "blarney" and eventually move on if you don't fix the only constant in your string of failed relationships; YOU. Especially if she sees you turning to outside attention rather than professionals or her.