I have a friend who I've been talking to for a while now and she had asked me to give her my opinion on loads of things as friends do when they talk. I listned to what she had to say, and I asked her if she would mind, and agreed to me posting the following to get a wider perspective.
Just to be on the safe side, I changed the names.


So you wanna know about me. All my cruddy past
well I guess the best place to start is the beginning

I am youngest of seven 5 girls 2 boys, my siblings are all much older then me. My oldest sister Sandra is 22 yrs older, Mary, my closest sister is 12 yrs older.
I have a niece who is 6 months older than me and a nephew who is 6 months younger.
So it's like I was a totally different generation.
By the time I can remember most of my brothers and sisters were gone, out of house and living thier own lives so I'm really not close to any of them.

As you can guess my parents were older I beleive my mom was in her 40s when she had me.
My dad was sick, he had cancer, leukemia I think I don't really know as they didn't tell me much.
He was in the hospital a lot and they would not let me in to see him. He died when I was 7
I remember going to get our hair done on the morning of the funeral and eating breakfast at Macdonalds, pancakes. But most of all I remeber after the funeral, sitting at the top of the basement steps where no one would see me, the other kids playing down below and thinking "things are different now.
I am different now."
Somehow those words became my mantra.

I always felt it was my responsibility to take care of my mother, maybe it was because I was the only one there, I was the one who had to comfort her whenever she cried.
None of my brothers or sisters ever said anyhting, but I felt like they put me in that position.
At 7 years old I was forced to grow up, and I played the role well. I came home right after school, never dated or went anywhere, actually had very few friends.
I had no life. I never did all the normal things kids or teenagers do and I also wasnt loved.
It seems like there was always a conditon, the only time my family would show pride or affection was if I did well in school, so I did.
I read a lot, had little trouble studying, as I can retain a lot. I liked leanring as that was about all I could do, my school time was only time away from home, so I savored it.

You asked why I had low self esteem, because it was never nurtured.
I self diagnosed myself as early as 6th grade I knew i had problems, but no one seemed to care.
One of the strongest things I remember from my youth is the taunting cries of the other kids teasing me saying
"You're fat. You're ugly."
Since no one ever told me differently I took it to heart and beleived it, part of me still does.

I grew up with a very warped sense of myself, I have total confidence when it comes to academic things, but other things like social situations and myself, I have no clue
I was always the good girl, played the role of caregiver, companion until I met Rod.

Good story. You are very strong person. But what do you need advise on???

I don't want advice. I just want to know what others think.

I think this person needs to work on believing in herself, knowing that she has a good heart, and once she believes in herself others will believe in her.


Being heavy doesn't mean that your not beautiful. She just needs to believe in herself, sometimes its the hardest thing you can do.

I think your family went through some hard times and you stood up and supported them when they needed. I think that is very respectable. The things you sacraficed for them stands for your charecter. You did what you had to for your fam. I respect that. The hell with what anyone els thinks.

It's someone sharing private and personal information which is now publicly aired...

If you are asking for an opinion....a hint would be nice as to opinion on what?

Your typing?

Your grip on language and grammer?

Ahh you space your paragraphs well?

Tom, read again...

the whole post...what are you asking an opinion of?

This woman's life?

Her journey?

Her story?


It's a closed post, yet you ask for opinions...

dude never tell or ask about the past..i mean about ex's it can only go bad.. do you want to hear about her gettin screwed by a 14 inch dong!!!!!think about it

what we think?? you gave us nothing to think about Tom...all that matters is what she thinks

what names were changed???????????

What I meant to say was 'What advice (Serious) would you offer her.

So Tom, is she asking how to be more social, is she feeling socially inept?


Please, I am trying to understand, so that I can maybe be of assistance...

i am the friend tom posted this for
as for what advice i want - how do i get beyond this, overcome this, not be defined by these things anymore

here is my war
im torn bwteen the philosophies of forget and forgive and the oppsite
anyone a star trek fan?
remmber sybock in 4, how he helped everyone overcome thier deepest pain and when it was Kirk's turn he refused
he said i dont wnat to know i should have turned left when i turned right my pain makes me who I am

i cannot forget what happend to me, i am who i am because of it
and i cant quite bring myself to forgive either
but i dont wnat to be that person anymore, the one who defines her self worth based on what others think

i guess it all comes down to how does one develop self esteem
how can i make all those thoughts of "your fat your ugly" and "im differnt now everhtyning is different now" go away
how can i get beyond all this to be the person i wnat to be, the person i dream of

that is what i want advice on

big hug!!! well u have took the first step by asking for help. u obviously know whats wrong and need help fixing it and the only advice that i could possibly give u sweetie is trust your instincts and pray to God for help. what u were is not what u are now. i see a happy beautiful face smiling and thats what it needs to be. people are harsh and cruel in this world but do not let them bring you down. u are a ray of sunshine in a dark world. let ur light shine brightly!! dont let othre people make u feel miserable. only u can make u happy because at the end of a long day there is noone but u that u have to look in the mirror at. be positive and stay away from negative people and negative things!! my heart goes out to u and i hope u find the answers ur looking for.

HI Beckys, Your story is very close to my own little sisters, except she was 12 when our father died. She took it pretty hard and had a very hard time growing up. We all were absent of nuturing within our family and we all had to find our own solutions to our low esteem. She is also still struggling with hers, and has been in therapy for some time now. All of us girls ended up in therapy. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me personally. I finally learned to forgive what was not given but should have. I now am very happy with my life. Although my sister as I said is still struggling. If you can get into a good therapist and get rolling with the future. The past is not worth spending time on it is already gone. I wish you the best with your trials. Do note though with the planets in alignment everyone is going through the struggle of leaving the past behind. Lots of love,

Negative programming sucks!!! Been there, done that, threw the Tshirt away!!

Thankyou Becky for sharing your story with us...I genuinely wanted to know what was being asked of us..

How to overcome the negative inner monologue....

hmmm..we are all different, so different things work for different people.

First off I found distancing myself from negative people, including negative family members...cleared the path, so to speak.

Then I took time each day to do one thing for me....a walk, or making my room all beautiful, all fresh and clean..(except for dust bunnies, but that's another story)..a long bath, and sweet soaps and bath oils...and languished in the sensory heaven.

See Becky, we are worth it, we are worth honouring ourselves, caring for ourselves....

I am stubborn, defiant, and fierce when it comes to protecting my loves....all I needed to do, was to allow me, into my own inner circle...and develop that same loyalty that I have for the underdog, for myself.

Everyday, I honour me, I take care of me, as I would my closest love, for learning to nurture me, I learnt to nurture others, without agenda.

Hi Becky & uk1971,

You've received some pretty good advice on this post from some of the other writers. I've even learned a thing or two myself. I read your story, and I think you are a very intelligent person, I'm sure there's a lot more to your story, that you left out, but here is my advice to you on this subject.

Your "Self Esteem" was implanted in you during your youth years. Being constantly criticized by parents and family members tends to slowly strip us of our feelings of "Self Worth".

Becky I don't have to tell you, "Low Self Esteem" destroys our "Self Confidence" to make even the smallest of "Decisions". We think little of ourselves, and feel we do not deserve to be happy. Improving your self esteem increases your confidence and is a "First Step" towards finding happiness and a better life.

You gain this confidence by believing that you are "Unique", you are "Special", and that you "Deserve" to be "Happy".

You must first "Believe In YOU", and all that you have to "Share" or "Give" to others. Try going out and "Volunteer" your time to organizations in your community/school and so on. Help someone else. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than seeing how your help made someone else's load a little lighter.

Being accomplished will with no doubt..., raise your "Self Esteem".

This may sound a little "Selfish", but you need to be "Aggressive". Getting your self esteem in order, is all about getting what you... "Need & Want" ... So do things for your own sake. Remember, you must help "Yourself First" before you can "Help Others".

You can't lose or give away what you don't have so be selfish and when you come to a higher level to yourself you can start helping others with lower self-esteem. And at the end only you will recollect what you have done and define who you are and what you're about.

Good Luck To You...............Benz !!!!

When life circumstances and family memebers do a Hatchet job on your sense of who you are, how loving the world is, and what you have to offer sometimes you just have to face the facts that they are toxic and put their comments in perspective of their situation. I have to say you exhibit remarkable awareness, self control, drive, intelligence, courage, forethought, generosity, and a loving nature to mention a few. Ugly? NO WAY. What an incredible warm and genuine smile on a remarkable young face. You have feminine features, delicate hair, and incredible coloring. You are a portrait artists dream. If you look at the great classics you will see yourself in the angels and the women of the Masters. Are you the anorexic brittle creatures currently featured in media Thank God no but you are the look that you see in real wedding photos because a soft sweet woman is what guys marry, cherish, and have familiea with. Let your light shine Young lady and the real Prince Charmings of the world will be awed by who you are.

This is comming from a guy...so no that if i cared, it would be deballing to speak like this as a guy. I had extreamly low self esteem forever myself. This is what i did.

First, Self esteem comes whenever we reevalueate ourselfs. If you got low self esteem its either because your unrealisitic when you do, or you just see the negative qualitys.

I wrote about 20 post it notes on the bathroom mirror all saying things i honestly liked about myself. They started small, like that i was honest, or i never broke a promise, or i had great eyes. Seeing them all the time forced me to say them to myself. They where always true, but over time they became a dominate thought. Something i can constantly look at and evaluate myself with.

Next, for anything bad i didnt like about myself, i would find one thing i did. For instance, i was fat so i would have to say i was smart. This is all stuff in your mind. When you start talking to a guy you like, you say in your head, this is wrong with me, this sucks. I know thats how it is when i talk to a girl. Thats why you have to challange it in your mind. My friend use to say "hey i got man boobs, but i sure as hell everyone wants to hang with me" Thats pretty much how you do it. You can have a negative aspect, a flaw if you will, but for each flaw you have atleast 2 good qualitys. And thats for psychopaths, real people have more!!!

Next up was negative thinking, which is the hardest. I always thought stuff like this can't work, i dont diserve this, all that corny **** they say on DR Phill. Well, no one outright says "i dont diserve this" they say it more like "It will never work out for me, it never does". Anyways, and this one is big, try going 1 hour without saying a single self degrating, mean, or negative thought. This is impossible, but its fun to try. Yes, even "i'm going to be late" is negative. Anything that in anyway puts you in a negative view of yourself or the world. If you get use to seeing good stuff your going to see it in yourself. And you realize how much you beat the **** out of yourself.

Finally there are a list of forbidden words your never allowed to use again. Those are should, could of, would of, fat, ugly, ****ed up, screwed up, hate, i don't think, and most importantly but. cause but negates anything said. like "i like myself but my feet are to big". all you said there where my feet are to big. no one hears the i like myself, least of all you.

Share something with a close friend. See alot of people hate themselfs for having bad thoughts, like god, i wished i was in another family, or i wish they would just die. Of course everyone says these, and everyone thinks a whole lot worse. the thing is if anyone where to openly share that they thought these, despite everyone else thinking the same way, they would be a social outcast...or so they believe. Realizing that your no worse then another asshole out there is generally where you begain to accept yourself.

Finally, get out of the house. Socialize, take risks talking to strangers and move around. I work out of my house. If i dont get out i get in my head and depressed. I have yet to meet a human who doesnt get that way. If your a shy person, and god knows i was, when you dont try and dont say anything is when you get pissed at yourself more. Thats when you question yourself. I treat everything as practice. I dont need to get it right the first time. It makes it easier to try that way for me. So if i get rejected, and god knows i have, i can say "well that really didnt matter anyways, i was just practicing for the girl im going to meet in a few". When it does i say "dude, i rock, see, im cool as hell."

Also, dont degrade others, even jokingly. Cause those are the flaws you dont like about you. Then later on that night you think...yea if i laughed at them imagine what others are saying about me.

Anyways, i started with ok, moved to like then to love. loving yourself rules. no one who is aragont loves themselfs either so dont worry about that. It took me about 6 months to get to the point i wanted. That was going all out. It could take less or more, but its pretty much the only way ive seen work. and there isnt anything like looking in there mirror and saying "damn, i'd do me".