Topic on cheaters got me thinking. It's one thing to be angry about cheaters, but how does it effect you in a next relationship or with dating? And not only cheating but also other things that hurt you (bad) in a past relationship.

Lemme explain a bit further;
You got hurt in a relationship, you get over it on your own, recover etc.
But ... I'm quite convinced myself there are things you cannot really work through on your own, simply because certain issues will NOT get triggered when you're alone. Sort of like being unaware these triggers still being there.

So how would that work out when you start dating and / or get involved again and this new (alleged) partner pushes one of those triggers?
Then what? Will it still be as bad as with the partner that caused it? Will it have worn off anyways?
What?

This is something that really bothers me at times, as I have had a rather unpleasant relationship. And yes, I am over him and it.
But I'm quite sure certain things will still be sore. Not a 100% sure, as I have as of yet not been in anything serious with a guy after splitting up. But it concerns me nonetheless. It actually concerns me a lot.

Anyone willing to share his/her experiences with this?

You are wise to acknowledge unfinished business and that is why i suggest a therapist to finish your work so as to be unemcumbered with past unfinished business... Emotional issues generally do not resolve themselves with the simple passage of time . This explains in part why people continue to date and get involved with people who are not a good match but nonetheless continue...

If I'm not over the last guy, it spills into the new relationship. So it's best that I remain guy-free until that happens. Not hard in my present situation.

i can't be cheated upon , i fill every single hole ... in the relation of course .... so no need for my lady to look around for anything as she is very well satisfied .



so , unfortunately ... i have no experience to share about this topic

I think a lot of the time you don't know how it does affect you until you're in a new relationship. I usually leave large gaps between relationships ensure I've dealt with the issues I have before entering another. The main issue is confidence though, but that's something I can't really change over night. It's definitely a work in progress.

A brief example of what surprised me was in my last serious relationship (R) was how, when I came to a point where I really liked him, and we slept with each other for the first time, was that I was utterly convinced he was going to leave. That'd never happened before, and there wasn't any reason specifically why I'd think he would leave as my past relationships hadn't had anyone leave in that situation. It wasn't until I talked it through with R that we got to the bottom of feeling and that fear.

So, in answer to your question, I do believe you can only do so much on your own. As long as you are able to recognise that your current partner isn't the one who caused you pain, and they're given the opportunity to discuss that with you, you should be able to work past that. Obviously I've simplified it a lot and I'm sure your issues aren't that easy to just work through, but I do believe the most important part is feeling comfortable communicating your concerns as it's the only way they can help you through.

sybariticguy- well said!!! --there was a time where i did not know about the beliefs i formed in childhood about others and myself. they become core issues that ''drive the bus'' - hardest thing in life to see our part in our lives and why we do what we do to sabotage ourselves-plus give up our favorite feelings and emotions that we have recycled over and over-

This is a very deep thread and it struck a cord with me Cyrstal. (GOOD JOB) Your right when I got out of a relationship where the other was not loyal everything was fine when I was alone and working out all the angles. When I started dating again I was very cautious and wary of being cheated on again. I had to remind myself that these thoughts were my cross to bare and its not fair to assume someone new had the same qualities as I would not want to be judged by her demons as well.I came to the realization that when you get in a relationship anyone can hurt you so just relax and give it a chance because the upside is so worth it.

Lost, that's exactly what I mean. Not what the Syber and Sparkyae are getting at, no disrespect.

I also think communication is the best option, but also means it has to be the right guy who's willing to do that and one that doesn't think I'm not over my past relationship.

Jack, yeah, but that's where I get somewhat stuck. In a way I agree you shouldn't burden a new partner with stuff from the past. But there's old stuff you have to work through before you even think about dating again. The stuff you are aware of.
But there can also be stuff you are NOT aware of that might get triggered and totally overwhelm and shock you when a new partner triggers them.
There's a very very thin line between the two of them, isn't there? (Hoping I'm explaining it clearly, difficult stuff)

I know what you mean, Crystal. I haven't personally been through the serious stuff myself but I've worked with lot of young people with PTSD, so I have a general understanding about some of the issues you may be concerned about.

The right guy will understand you're just opening up to him because you trust him and want to ensure he understands what he's a part of. How else will be able to support you, or at least know what your concerns are, if you're not able to share them.

I hope you find the guy you're looking for, when you're good and ready for him x

I think people got the wrong impression here. I'm not talking about PTS kind of stuff more like "regular" things. I'm over my relationship, my ex, what happened. I'm happy, feel good about myself (never felt better), and it shows, I mean, I wouldn't be beaming in my piccies (and in real life) if I was suffering from anything nasty.
Kind of difficult to come up with examples of what I mean. Maybe I'll think of something good later or tomorrow.

Ah, ok. I think I get you now. Kind of like if you think you trust the guy you're with, but something is said or done that takes you back to a time where you found a guy you used to trust had done something that hurt you? You can't plan for it, you don't know that something like that will rear its head, but it exists all the same. Not that you believe the new guy is doing the same thing, but you can't help worrying that that fear will return.

Yes, exactly, that kind of thing.
Thank you for helping me out here, hahaha

Well, I think anyone who goes through a painful break up experiences this to some point or another. And really the key in my opinion is having confidence in yourself that you are a stronger person because of it all, you can do better and make stronger decisions about a potential partner. Whether or not there are hidden triggers or underlying issues, the real situation is being with someone who is patient and understanding enough to see you through it when you hit them and smiling on the other side. It is all about communication... not just with each other, but with ourselves on what we are feeling, why we are feeling it and what is different or the same in any given situation.

I went through a very messy break up years ago, and still have these heart to hearts with myself all the time. I just try to think about a partner who will take my hand into the future, and not make me dwell on the past.

It just took a bit of 'listening' to what you were saying, but we got there in the end. My pleasure!

I can't be arsed with it! Why should I take the flak for what another guy did? When I go into a new relationship I go into it with a fresh outlook, as I know not all women are the same. To judge me on somebody elses action will be the quickest way to lose me!!

That's not what she's saying - simply that some issues arise as you enter a new relationship. It's not something you believe is caused by the new person, just that they're around when they appear.

The easiest example may be that a person is full of confidence at the start of the relationship, but in certain areas they lack confidence. That person isn't saying you're the root cause of their low self-esteem, but they need a bit of time building things up to a level where you're both happy.

I have actually been single for two years now, and my main reason for this has been the fact that I found myself getting easily bored with the women I was involved with (not at the same time, lol). This boredom came from a sexually based relationship that I had a few years back. She and I were great in bed and we tried, and tried and tried to work on the normal relationship stuff. And I concluded that this relationship made me skiddish and that I needed to enjoy being single and also find peace with that past relationship. Weird how you think you have no hang ups from a previous relationship and then find out that you do. Ahhhh life. Ain't it grand?

When I started dating again I wanted to avoid problems that I had had in previous relationships; mostly arguments. Now I feel a bit like I'm just going along with things that women do instead of complaining or arguing and that isn't exactly working out too well. It's like the women know that I'm storing up resentments and they know that they can only push me so far before I'll get fed up with it.

I used to attract 2 types of women. Over-bearers or submissives.

I wanted one I could be on equal footing. One I didn't have to walk on eggshells around and respected enough not to cheat on.

So, after a long, off/on relationship with an over-bearer, I took 8 years out to re-assess who I was and work at changing the types I attracted.

'I', was the common denominator. 'I', to attract different, had to become different.

I don't trust ANALists. They heal you, they lose an income. No profit in cures, right?

So, I opened my mind and being to alternative means of healing. I won't go into detail. But, after that 8 year break, I find, I have broken that self-destructive pattern. No, I didn't do it it alone. I had many helpers and mentors along the way.