@GreekAdonis: Damn right! I'm definitely unappreciated. XD

Well I appreciate you and thank you for being on here.
Your a very thoughtful person.

Saying someone is your friend is kind of like saying you love something. Lot of varying degrees. It is like I say I love ice cream but if I had it every day for a week I would probably want a break from it. I have friends like that.

I tell someone I love them like a Sister well that would mean different things to different people. My sisters were scattered like the wind most of my life and I don't know them very well. I have friends like that too. You are by accident of birth or job assignment, or they own the house next door you might know them, even care for them but pretty good but it isn't anything you choose.

Now I tell someone I love them like I did my late husband who I considered my best friend we were so on the same page about things, so intertwined, it was like trying to figure out where one quit and the other started. Like losing half myself when he died. I wondered for years how I would go on. Even now it gives me a reference point for who I am.

Sadly there are a lot of friends who are like the users and hangers on and phonies or the politicians we all ran into in high school and a few in college in the party stage of life even in the job that you know they would step on your back in a New York Minute if it meant bettering them. Some do come around and surprise you by valuing you more after the fact but that is pretty hard to swallow. The people who want you to resume write for them and you know it is BS. That is why I find the Facebook stuff pretty lame.

If I am going to call you friend, let you claim me being your friend and trade on my good name, you better step up in good times and bad. If at the end of a race you aren't looking around to see where I am an celebrate don't expect me to hand you a cold one when you come in dead last.

Over the years I have known a lot of people, got a long with were even helped by and heck I probably helped more people than I could count so folks call me friend but I have wondered if maybe that is know more secrets than Dear Abby.

I don't know the people I consider my true friend have had to earn it /maintain it/ that I would trust... well that is a number I would probably be able to count on my fingers. Lost a lot of my long term true friends to illness/death. Probably what makes me afraid to be too close to anyone.

All the scammers and users I have run into in my time makes it hard.

I agree with this^^^^

What I do is not take it personally, if a friend decide's to hardly stay in touch anymore. It can happen with family members, too. Recently, I've been thinking of visiting a guy I've known since school. The problem being, it goes straight to answer phone, which has me worried about him, because he tried suicide a few times in the past, so I have to breathe real deep hoping he's fine. He's also an ex of mine. I'm gonna go get a taxi to his house either way, a few days after christmas day. I just really hope I don't get any "heartwrenching news". His sister told me he wants me to visit him, so I'm just preparing myself.

My friends have my e-mail address and my phone number, so they know where I am. Screw em if they can't be bothered. But don't mistake them ignoring you with them having a busy life. Once they get married and have children, they tend to drift into a newer world. Not your fault. It can depend what's going on behind closed doors.

I'm meeting some off here though? ;)

@GreekAdonis: It's my pleasure!

@PacificStar48: I can certainly imagine how hard it is to lose people you care about like that. It's nice to know those people existed though - that, as you say, you have a standard by which you measure others by. You have experienced a true friendship and have had someone who was there and, in those cases, they didn't choose to leave.

In regards to facebook, I don't have it and haven't had it for a year. I disliked the arguments and all the silliness. Let others obsess over it, I'll spend my time elsewhere doing other things.

@Rawrr_Girl: I hope your friend is OK! That can certainly be a worry. Are you in touch with his sister? If so, wouldn't she know how he's doing?

I kind of understand how you feel. I have moved around alot in the last several years which has made it hard to make a lot of long term friends. Where I work most of the people are much younger, and somewhat cliqueish. But also part of that is me as I have a belief that younger people would not have the intellectual capacity to be interested in the things that I am. I seldom do things like meet up for drinks and prefer working on things that interest me. I am a strong introvert and people tire me. I make a very good friend & I am a friendly person, but there is only so much time that I can be happy in the company of others.

I think it gets harder to make friends in a new town as we get older because most will already have their cliques and family ties.

All in all, however, it sounds like you are simply too busy right now. I mean I would normally suggest things like joining a club or activity of some kind but it sounds like you really don't have the time. I don;t see that as a problem though because I prefer to be doing things like learning or self improvement rather than "meeting up for drinks."

It'd be nice to have social engagements to look forward to, but I don't seem to be able to fit in those structured ones with people I don't really know. They certainly need extra time to build up friendships. It's sad, but I guess it's something for me to look at when I do have more time.

Thank you for your reply though.

Thanks :) So do I. No I don't speak to his sister much. I seen her out of the blue. We don't speak on personal terms.

Yes! At the moment, I make a plan with a friend. When they inevitably cancel or fail to cement plans, I usually fall back to study. I've recently signed up for National Trust membership so I can actually go off wandering without having to worry about paying for anything. As with this Tuesday just gone though, I wasn't informed until late afternoon my friend wasn't going to be able to make it to dinner, so it was essentially a day I could have been doing something else but spent it inside instead. :(

Yes! At the moment, I make a plan with a friend. When they inevitably cancel or fail to cement plans, I usually fall back to study. I've recently signed up for National Trust membership so I can actually go off wandering without having to worry about paying for anything. As with this Tuesday just gone though, I wasn't informed until late afternoon my friend wasn't going to be able to make it to dinner, so it was essentially a day I could have been doing something else but spent it inside instead. :(

Invite me round to dinner.. I won't let you down, I'll even get dessert if you haven't made it.

Hi to everyone.. Im a busy working girl and i have this so called a lesbian bf/gf...she always busy too much busy than may schedule.. We always argue with our sched plan were to go. How many hour we can spent even just beetween coffee talk its very hard to seat.. We eand up with meet ups once after 2months she txted me twice a week or so.. Pls help need some explanations

One thing I will throw in is having friends that make you a priority takes making them a priority.

Yea I have moved around all over the USA and with the cost of travel it is harder to see people as often as I would like but I got on the Ham radio, CB, email and Skype as fast as they became available because it makes it possible to touch base.

And there is nothing like a personal letter or "care box". It can be the silliest stuff or even sending a friendship token back and forth but it is the investment of self.

You remember birthdays, anniversaries, and special stuff in general.

And for those really dear ones that showed up when you needed them sometimes you have to show up when you don't feel like it. Maybe you take vacation days nursing a sick friend through a broken leg, or tolerate and obnoxious boyfriend or parent, babysit or mentor their kid, and spend a few hours away from your current heart throb.

Friendship isn't all hearts and flowers. Sometimes it is to say I screwed up, I am sorry, and offering to make amends when you do put your foot in your mouth. Or weathering the storm when they go through a divorce, or unemploument ect..

Keeping confidences is really important. If you NEVER gossip and tend to disappear when it does pop up in conversations it is a lot easier to hang on friends because I have seen more friendships go down in flames by seeing people tell letting things that maybe three other people also told but if it gets back it is you then You are the betrayer.

I have done something like this before! The first box I sent was the box and from there, every week or so, I'd send 'gifts'. Some times it was pictures I found that would mean something to us, other times trinkets that I knew she'd like, or little letters and gifts cards... It didn't seem to matter how much I valued the friendship though.




You can go through all that and still find that it's very much one-sided.

@GreekAdonis: Now, if only I'd known that before! haha.

friends are a gift

I think the common factor in those with friends is continuity of lifestyle and routine over a long period of time

meaning,, they have stayed at the same job for years, going to the same places together

in modern world that is often hard to achieve , people often have several different jobs and are in several different locations throughout life and don't keep the same routine from month to month, let alone year to year,,,,

under such circumstance it makes it harder to really BUILD A true and substantial friendship with someone who can understand and relate to you, someone to go through ups and downs with

I had , on average, ONE BEST FRIEND every year of my childhood,lol,,,but since I started my own family, that took priority, I moved much more often out of necessity, and my family became my primary friends,,,

and Im always fine with that too,,,

I suppose that's the problem - I'm not at the point where I have that "continuity of lifestyle" but that's by choice. I don't want to settle in a job I'm not happy in, so I make changes to better my lifestyle. Whereas a lot of the friends I had would complain about their lives but makes no attempt to improve things, aren't certainly didn't approve of me trying to help either.

Hey Lost_in_reverie,
Thanks for the great question. This is my first time posting a comment, so forgive me everyone if it doesn't work out right. I have kicked around the same concern about friends in my life. Wondering if others feel the same. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone and it's not just in my head.
My Mom, God love her, has told me more times in my life that friends are just like shoes. We spend a lot of our time looking for them. We try a bunch on reject a lot of those. Find ones we think are the perfect fit, make us feel great, make us sexy, or strong or protected. Ones that we just can't wait to take out in public to show off. But we look in our closet and find piles of them that we never even wear any more. We wonder what we were thinking when we decided "those are perfect". Some of them really weren't a good fit and we knew it when we were trying them on. But all of us have one or two pair that are old, nor really fashionable, scuffed up and a little worn in the soles. (Souls.) But for some reason, they are still our favorite. They just fit, even after all these years.
I think she is so smart.

Your mom sounds wise.

I really like that analogy! I'm yet to find my favourite pair, but I'm working on it. :D