lol, don't be hard on yourself, it happens to everyone, all the time... not very many people pay attention to whats real around them when they like another... Ive seen all my friends do and say the same thing, over and over... i might have said it once, but not sure

Dating is hard after a divorce but stay true to your heart and never settle.

Wine gives me migraines, I prefer beer.

Ok Boys & Girls it is time to gather around and have a little thought about what is and isn't smart in relationships.

Not because we do not know what is; or anyone is stupid it is because we, I say we because yea I have stuck the knife in my own heart a few times too, have to give ourselves permission to have standards.

And we need family and friends to help us keep those standards.

Dating is tough; it is like getting a job is actually harder than having a job. But dating is not that much different than finding a job. It takes planning. It takes time. And it takes people helping you. And just as most of us won't settle for just any job, especially a bad job you have to think about what makes you a good partner and what will make another person a good partner for you.

Does it seem kind of nasty to throw down a list of rules on people? Do we all want a little consideration, sympathy, or forgiveness sure but in a lot of situations you give someone an inch you are giving them a mile of rope to hang you with.

Dating and relationships should require people to put their grownup pants on to play. There is always going to be excuses why they don't but if you want to spend your life with the only music being the worlds smallest record sing the worlds saddest song just keep listening to excuses.

Make a list of your bottom line when it comes to relationships and post it on your mirror, the dash of your car, the side of your computer, heck write it inside your bloomers but get it in your head what you deserve and don't let those that don't near you.

Tell your friends what you want. Tell your kids/parents/siblings what you want. Tell your Mingle pals what you want because they help keep you accountable. If that sounds juvenile don't kid yourself the power of peer pressure to be good is as powerful as it is to be bad.

People don't work in a void on the job and you can't on dating. There may be completion in dating but if the person you are dating is playing on your friends kicking them to the curb. Mingle makes it possible to make friends when you become suddenly single as getting out on your own or newly divorced. This is always the best first move when being a single person. As previous relationships ends usually there is a "wash out rate" and it is just necessary. If you are out with friends you learn the "lay of the land" and who are the frequent flyers/players. Believe me what your friends see when your back is turned is not always exactly accurate but generally when there is smoke there is fire. While a little smoke in your hair might be a little romantic around a campfire it is the smoke that kills you before the house burns down. If a particular love interest has to hide behind smoke and mirrors you are in trouble.

I don't buy anyone being all secretive about who they are. Maybe if someone lives outside of the country but if your dating someone you should know basic facts before anything gets serious. Definitely before intimacy occurs. If you don't know someone's name, address, and phone number and a picture; public information available to almost anyone and certainly on line for a buck the whole charade pretending it is about safety is balogne. It is about keeping you clueless about them as a partner, there partner if they have one, a criminal history, a dangerous medical history, or major financial issues you would know if they owned who they are. Give me a break if you tell what you do on a job application and half a dozen other papers all the time so it is not a secret. Definitely not anything you say here is secrete.

And dating on line is NOT dating. So if you are falling in like on line I buy that but if you are saying you love someone and your all booty hurt because you got played by someone on line owning it; that you are in love with your version of love weather it is or is not real love.

I am not going to go into put up what should be on your list but if it isn't about what respects you and makes you strong then you are being used and deserved better. Relationships are supposed to be about building both people not dragging one up or holding the other down.

Ok, so I met this guy, in person. I knew his name, first and last, where he lived, where he worked, some (not all) of his history, and the LOVE word was NEVER a factor. I am a good person, I give my all to everything I do, friendship, relationships, parenting, school, work. I cared about this person, and I was completely straight forward with him. He was with me, but not completely. He finally was, but it was too little too late, he was not my boyfriend, just someone I was getting to know, but I invested my time, and regardless it hurts to be lied to. So there you go. I wear my big girl panties all the time, I am just going to be much more guarded from now on, I forget not everyone is as caring about others as I am.

Peachy

I don't mean to pry here but can I ask what he withheld from you that was the dealbreaker?

Sometimes the littlest things can be dealbreakers when you start dating again... It Was this way with me anyways.

Take your time, you're in control. Have fun and enjoy the journey!

"I hate the dating game."

this. ^ exactly what I mean....having just recently been married you feel you shouldn'y have to play that game....that crap should be done by the time we're all adult....I refuse to play it...but the reality is we probably have to to an extent. just keepin' it honest tho.

and yes , I also had very few expectations that I was aware of....it took time and distance for me to realize the "hidden" expectation of a level of understood communication that I was used to in a marriage. that was the expectation that I did not see at the time. and it wasn't fair....but I couldn't help it at that time. (I didn't have other married type expectations like taking out the trash or anything) lol

Do you know what that means ... being smart and feeling stupid?

It means you are a person with a lot of depth, a lot of passion, love and compassion inside.
It means you care a lot about others and are genuinely a thoughtful and caring person.
It also means there is a good chance that you will be hurt again, but fear not! It is through this hurt and through your feelings that you will realize how strong a person you really are and how giving.
It also means you will grow from these experiences and your light will shine brighter.
This means you will have a greater chance of attracting someone who also cares about others.

Be your own best friend right now and don't beat yourself up. You have already learned from this so take some time for yourself - a nice long luxurious bath to cleanse mind, body and soul!

Tomorrow is full of opportunities!

In person relationships still get some basic rules applied.

If your rule is you give something your all then don't you deserve that in return?

Or will you modify your rule to be more guarded now?

My guess is somewhere leaning toward the second concept until you feel maybe both of you are working towards putting it all in will be less painful and more productive.

It really is hard if you have the personality of giving that intense caring for others to regulate it thus the suggestion that peer help is essential.

If you are remotely like I was at that place I was single mom, with young kids, and a Mom dying of cancer My friends had to almost tackle me some times and grab me by the ears and say Star did you see that!!! Got my heart stomped a couple times. Then had it not been my good friends in a single parent support group shoving me toward my beloved I would have given him the phone number to the morgue I was so "burned" when he showed up in my life.

That the "liars" were not out there would sure make it simpler but for folks that love passionately it is also hard to see the subtle tells that someone is lying even if it is by omission of saying; "I am just not that into you", or "I don't want to be into anyone that much", or "not right now" when what you want so much is for that passion to be reciprocated. A lot of times even players tell us those very things and we just breeze right over it and here "Oh baby you are so nice/beautiful, kind" and ignore that they are scanning the room or whatever other tells that only opposite sex friends can point out to you.

I agree with this. We have all let our guard down or revealed ourselves to the wrong person. You feel foolish but at least you can look in the mirror and know that you are real and a genuine person.Forget about the wall his loss keep being real, If you freeze people out then this guy wins. Good luck and go out and have some fun.

You are not dumb you are just trusting. It is hard after a divorce to get back into the dating thing and let your guard down.
I think what you need is a girl's night out and just let your hair down. Go out and have fun and have a night where you don't even think about men!!

Beer it is then. I don't think the right guy will worry about having your walls up. He will care enough about you to know you put them there for a reason and what you want and need will come first in his mind. He will be one who is able to help defend the walls from invaders becoming your strongest ally.

And, this, says it all!