You’re living with your significant other, either as lovers or as spouses, while trusting that you’re both being monogamous, one of you cheats. The relationship is okay up to this point, and the non-adulterer has little reason to suspect there is a problem in the relationship that might tempt the other to stray, so it’s unexpected and causes a serious wound in the heart of the faithful partner. Now, what do you do as a direct result of this breach in your love?

Will you both salvage this relationship and forgive the adulterer, or separate?

If you decide to remain together, do you try to regain the trust you had before the incident, and become closer to each other, never to cheat again? Or might you stay together not so much for love at this point, but for financial/economic reasons, because in today’s economy it’s easier to live well with two incomes instead of just one, and you can even separate in the residence by having your own rooms, perhaps even having an open agreement now, where either partner is free to meet someone else and move on?

If not, and you’re lovers who are renting with the lease signed by both, who would move out if a complete break down occurs? And likewise, if you’re married “without children” to consider, and you have a mortgage, which spouse would stay; the one who could afford to pay the monthly notes on the residence, even if they are the adulterer?

Would your decision about who leaves even be based on the financial aspects of your relationship, or would the offender automatically have to move out as punishment for their error in judgment?

Or, in this day and age when our sexual behavior is touted as being open and easily accessible, now that it’s the acceptable norm to just “love the one we’re with”, is it wiser to expect that cheating might occur in any relationship, so we go into one already prepared to overlook this activity?

What do you Minglers think about cheating, are you for, or against it?

And what do you consider cheating to be? Can flirting be a form of cheating? And if so, should people in committed relationships be free to flirt with others?

If someone "cheated" on me I would end the relationship and it would be over for me...Every couple is bound to have problems that need to be worked-out and discussed along the way...Little kids feel justified in "acting-out" or "getting even" when they run into problems or don't get their own way...But it's different when we're all "grown-up." I just wouldn't be able to trust or respect my partner anymore if he felt entitled to "cheat" versus acting like a man and trying to work-through problems with me...Or if he didn't have the guts and courage to tell me that he wanted "out" before he started "running around" with other women.

Humm sure that everyone does things different. Myself I made my ex leave and yeah it was his house... With two kids in tow I was not about to make their lives be up rooted for something their dad did.

At least not till they had time to adjust.. We ended up selling the house a year later and split the money. The kids and I moved to another house till I bought us another one in the same school district so they would not have to be up rooted from their friends....

Everyone does things different there was no going back in my book. Therefore I made the choices that my kids and I was taking care of...

But some that are in abusive situations don't have the same choices as I did and it work for them...

I had encouraged my deceased to flirt. Hers was harmless flirting. She had enjoyed the cb radio before she had gotten into a relationship with the one before me who didn't allow her to have any friends. It was a freedom thing to her as she was never unfaithful in the least. She realized that I was an introvert and I had fun listening to her while I was driving. She enjoyed not having to drive so it just worked for us.

Will you both salvage this relationship and forgive the adulterer, or separate?


at this point in my life, I am no longer a late teen or college age nor would my partner be

I expect them to have better control of their impulses at this stage in life, and would be upfront about that expectation from get go,,,,

If there is no marriage, I am done. If we have taken vows, I may consider counseling and trying to salvage the relationship.

If Im staying, its not just for show, I stay and try to work it out.

IF we live together and are renting, neither needs to leave. We become roommates living seperate lives. IF there is a mortgage and we are married, the courts decide who leaves.

Legally, if two people sign a lease or a mortgage, they will both be responsible for the terms of that contract, until a court decides otherwise. I wouldnt move out of anyplace so long as I had a contract to pay for it.thats why I prefer monthly rentals,,lol,, but I can endure a year long lease if necessary.

I EXPECT from a partner honesty and faithfulness. Its not negotiable even if it is forgivable.

I consider cheating to be anything involving Penetration.

Fantasies, flirting, cyber chatting and pictures,,etc, are not cheating to me, but they are red flags that the relationship needs work. Kissing is not always cheating, unless its initiated by your partner, or repetitive, or mutual. (It is possible to be taken off guard by someone elses kiss)

of course, I am personally against cheating. I have been desperate enough to consider 'consentual cheating' or 'swinging' in the past. Thank goodness I came to my senses before the opportunity arose though.. If its love and commitment , there is no room for anyone else.

And therein lies the whole trust issue. It isn't that fidelity is more of the issue than trust.

We have forgotten that being animals we are given to instinct and reproduction is one of the strongest short of fear and hunger. Only fear and hunger can in OUR case override the need for reproduction. SOME animals cannot avoid reproduction as an urge like Shrews, Moles, Salmon, and Squid where either the males dies shortly after mating (Shrews, and Moles) or BOTH sexes dies shortly after mating (Salmon and Squid). In their case the urge to reproduce is so overriding that fear, pain, and starvation mean nothing to them during their sexual season. Reproduction is the second tier instinct for us. In some animals it is indeed first tier once they are sexually mature. But being a second tier means that all other instincts short of fear and hunger (especially at near starvation) are secondary. All instinct accumulate into a inbred need to survive. With that said...

First of all the honesty issue. If there was a promise to "Forsake all others," a promise is a promise. As Auntie said in Thunderdome, "Break a deal, FACE THE WHEEL!" A broken promise is broken trust.

Next is the issue of what led to the incident. If one partner in a relationship is being a bastard (or bytch) towards the other and communication breaks down... "Hurt me hurt you," as it might be said, well, the trust there was blown a long time ago.

And now for the CULTURAL ISSUE! In a lot of European nations, Germany and France for two of them it is overlooked for most MEN to have a mistress but God forbid a woman should be caught cheating. Then again in some cases no one cares about that either. America has taken infidelity to all new heights. So when President Clinton got a blow job in the Whitehouse most Europeans just shrugged their shoulder s over it while Congress went for Impeachment.

Also there is also people who play the hold out or what I call "Dog Bone Sex." Some women and even some men view sex as a reward. They use it to manipulate the other person. Well, this likewise plays against itself in a lot of relationships. Men who are cut off by their wives will do what they need to to scratch that itch much a like a woman will when her man cannot or will not feed their needs.

And last what is the root dynamic of the relationship? So many people marry pretentiously or are driven to marry over an accidental pregnancy. If you look deep into some relationships they are a lie and both people are responsible for perpetrating that lie on each other.

Some people actually could care less what their partner does as long as they "don't bring it home."

Its like I have said before and here I will say it again, MOST women size men up by their wallets! PERIOD! I am generalizing for the sake of argument based on PERSONAL FIRST HAND OBSERVATION AND THAT OF THE OBSERVATIONS OF STUDIES AND A LOT OF OTHER FACTORS BEING TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT! So with that here I am struggling to get ahead and am doing so completely alone. I do not have a woman helping me get ahead nor is there any woman who is part of MY family. Here I am trying to date and have the cards stacked so high against me that it almost seems like having what I really want in life my be beyond my reach. I BARELY MAKE ENDS MEET. How attractive does that make me to most women? SO with that said say somehow my efforts do indeed pay off and I suddenly am in the black surfing a wave of $100 dollar bills and all of a sudden all these women who would have NOTHING to do with me before suddenly find me interesting. Monogamy? Well at that point all Monogamy is to ME is another kind of wood! And I would not be shy about that AT ALL!

BUT with that said let us say I DO manage to find a woman who sees past my wallet. And together we found something that grows and BOTH of us prosper from it and I indeed have been faithful to her and clearly am proving that I only have her in mind and keep myself to just her exclusively even with both of us clearly expressing monogamy between us. But then I find out she has been screwing someone behind my back. If it was a friend of mine someone better flee becasue I am going to hurt someone and may not quite be in enough control of myself to NOT kill that person. If it was someone I knew of more than likely the confrontation with that person may not go to well for their continued survival for long either. Someone who I had no knowledge of at all? Chances are she had been lying to that person too. Her, I would have NOTHING to say to her ever again. NOT A WORD other than GOODBYE! I would be GONE and would not ever come back to her. Now if we had kids together I would not let that sin affect them. They are not part of the lie. Likewise a Mortgage? Me? I am not falling into that trap. But mutual assets need to be divided. And with that I would go my own way. The kids are part of me and I will not come between them and their mother ever. But when the magic is gone it is like modern electronics and the blue smoke they contain, When the blue smoke is released the device is now unrepairable and worthless. It is a hard blow but that is something kids need to learn up front that sometimes not all relationships last forever.

Trust is all we got in life worth anything. Gold cannot buy my trust and getting my trust back once broken is near impossible.

It is not cheating if you ask the other person first. But if the answer is no, then what?

You are living a lie when your relationship is hurting you more than satisfying you. Actually BOTH people need happiness and satisfaction. The relationship needs to gratify BOTH sides. But if one person is happy and the other is not, well, you either talk about it and make big decisions, one of them being going your separate ways, or the other is how do the both of you adapt so both of you are happy? And then what if adaptation is impossible?

There in lies the greatest problem of any relationship...

...the communication breakdown!

At least if communication is maintained fidelity issues can be preemptively dealt with so there is no infidelity.

Honestly a lot of people live in odd extensions of the family unit these days. And a lot of it is confusing because of how it conflicts with past cultural teaching.

In short, if it were me cheating, well, really it isn't cheating if my other half condones it or I have NOT a promise of exclusivisity. But if I DID cheat I would have to do the right thing and walk away. I blew it. I broke trust. Divide assets in her favor and go my own way. Sorry is far too easy to say and if I have a reason to cheat then that means I have been lying to myself and to others. If she still wants to put up with me then the both of us have a lot of talking to do. I know if I was cheated on I would be far to hurt to talk at all about it. I would be seeing red and that is not good for me or anyone around me. I have been hurt so much I don't think I could ever forgive being back stabbed like that. Why should I even expect what I myself cannot give?

The sick thing is CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

I know. I am the product of a broken home and a manipulative father who's hared of my mother blew up in his face trying to turn me against her. And the sickest thing to me was my mother had enough of my fathers games. She started to go out and have fun but I doubt STRONGLY she cheated on my father previous to her divorce of him. Even if she did their relationship was LONG over. And that has nothing to do with me really. That was BETWEEN THEM!

What is worst is to this day my father is a lonely old wasted piece of crap who hates everything in this world while my mom is married and happily traveling the world in retirement with her husband.

I want what my mom has... But getting the math right... Math is my WORST subject...

Damn if you didn't just touch a nerve here...

You make me think too much!

But if I am trying to say something in a bank shot tangent of this I will add this, WE LEARN FROM OUR PARENTS WELL, DON'T WE? Where do you think we get our self indulgent streak?



I am good at being bad. I also can mess up pretty awesomely too!

I like your inference that adults, while acting like rebellious children, will "act-out or try to get even" by cheating, as if this is the best form of revenge to take against a partner we feel has neglected us... I also think that some people like to have their cake and eat it too... but, what happens to our abilities to communicate with each other, Greeneyes? When we first get together that's all we do, then after a while, it's like pulling teeth just to get a quick kiss before we leave for work in the mornings?

good moves... Txsgal... I'm glad everything worked out for you and the children's security...

I like this story, trout... my handle back in the day was "lone wolf"... lol... and I can just picture the two of you hamming it up...

I'll try to forgive them, but trust is hard to regain. We might wind up breaking apart.

If you are in a monogamous relationship cheating is illogical.
(Not to mention, dishonest.)

She was fun to be with and fun was something that neither of us had had in a long time. She had tried to encourage me to flirt with other women as long as she was there. But I felt no need to because I had her. She would even flirt for me using my messenger. She was hysterical and I sure do miss her.

In answer to the question, if two people agree to be monogamous and one of them cheats, they have broken the contract, at which point the agreement and any rider that went along with it, becomes null and void.

All bets (and agreements) are off at that point.



In answer to the above questions, they have nothing to do with who cheated on who, unless these particular issues were covered in the contract/agreement.

If your cheating partner did not want to move out and neither did you, then you could just become roommates, or the agreement to be monogamous would be null and void. This means that you could both date other people even if neither of you want to move out.

If you take the drama and emotionalism out of it, it just boils down to a breached contract or agreement.

Well, technically she wasn't "cheating" on me because I was involved with a woman that was seeing someone else as well and she told me about him but she was telling some lies about how it was "over" with him when it wasn't and it just came to the point one night when I couldn't handle it anymore and I had to tell her that I didn't think that we should see each other anymore. I had put up with a hell of a lot from that woman and had kept taking her back but if she wanted to be with someone else he could have her and good luck to him.

I like your point of view too, msharmony, we think very similarly, but may I ask... if your spouse is interacting in subtly sensual ways with others, by flirting, fantasizing, chatting, exchanging pics... and this indicates your relationship needs work... how can you bring a man's attention back from the edge like this? Is it really possible, once he's tasted this extent of freedom within the bounds of matrimony, for him to relent and give up the others he is seeking attention from? Or, is his behavior permissible, so long as he doesn't neglect you?

I find the idea of having to get permission from someone else for my "behavior" to be an infringement on my self expression. I would not impose that on my significant other.

When you have a contract or agreement to be monogamous that means not to have sex with anyone else. Unless that agreement includes details on how you should behave then you have no right to demand he have permission to flirt, fantasize, chat or exchange pictures.

If you want to get your partner's attention away from that then you need to go to work on that.

Freedom is paramount. Don't be a jealous controlling tyrant. That will drive someone away from you. Learn how to attract rather than putting a choke hold on a person.

It has to start with communicating over, and over, and over. Peoples needs from each other change over time as does what they can give and they have to communicate that honestly with each other. That is why it would be important to me to revisit the expectations of the relationship with each other and assess whether we both were still in it to win it,, so to speak. No one person can maintaine it alone, so we would BOTH have to be involved in whatever efforts necessary to eliminate whatever the motivation was to start seeking attention elsewhere. IF that motivation cant be successfully eliminated, it would depend upon the overall health and happiness of our relationship before I would decide to move on. IF I had a great guy in all other areas . a great provider, great with and to the kids, smart and good to me and honest ,,,,,I may be able to accept the flaw of flirtatiousness or whatever.

IT all comes down to the details. Is he a disrespectful and inconsiderate jerk, or just a naturally flirtatious person? Is he misleading other women into thinking there could be a relationship(in which case he is an inconsiderate jerk), or is he flirting with women in a way that doesnt imply any other than attraction?

AndyBgood... it's nice to meet the deep thinking you... I can appreciate the passion you feel and would bestow if the right, or rather, wrong circumstances should rattle your cage, or rather, your rage... there are very few insults in life worse than a betrayal of trust... however differently each of us might handle our ultimate reaction to it, the initial gut wrenching, chest tightening, mind exploding feelings brought on by such an event may be shared by all of us who have been through this type of experience... and I for one can definitely relate...

Also, giving consent as long as it's not brought home or through the neighborhood, thereby allowing freedom and accepting its consequences is one thing... but to be asked and told no way... ... to then do what you want to anyway... crossing the line doesn't work like that... because not only is trust being betrayed, but a direct flaunt in the face has now been made... and this level of disrespect is intolerable... to me... Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us Andy... I truly hope you find your perfect fit...

I quite understand that, hippie... every time they're gone just a little too long, the heart starts pounding, and the doubts start mounting... like an incurable fleshing eating bacteria... distrust eats away at our soul until it almost swallows us whole... not a good feeling at all... I personally can handle the pain of breaking up far easier than the aching pain of distrust that would stir within me...

unfortunately jeannie, not everyone knows the definition of monogamous...