I'm 57 and it seems lately that my divorce is starting to catch up with me and make me feel very guilty. I was married at 30 and stayed married 15 years had to kids at the time, 7 and 10. I decided I was not in love anymore, we tried to work things out but it just was not working anymore. When we split my kids were split up, boy stayed with father and girl stayed with me. It was very wierd but that's how it went down. My son does not talk to me much now, has anger regarding this subject, my daughter still lives with me. We get along fine. But the guilt of having my son stay with his dad is eating me alive. I did not want it this way, and it tore me up but in the end that's how it ended up. I can't seem to put this to rest, I can't date anyone cause of feeling so sad all the time and all the time I missed with my son growing up and all the fun we had. I guess I am doomed to live this way, alone and sad and wishing the past had been different.

You can't change the past.

But starting right now, you can affect the future.

Ok, all you can do is love your children, you cannot ever change the past, learn from it and grow.
Your son probably feels like he was deserted, thats pretty normal, all you can do is love him, dont push him, and enjoy every moment you have, dont lose more time by sitting around regretting what should have been, just make things happen now and build a future.

what motown said,,,,you cant take back the decisions you already made(and perhaps you dont need to, children cant be split in half and have to come to live with one parent or the other), you can only affect the decisions you are going to make

you can still try to build a relationship with the son, sometimes even if it doesnt seem they are responding, they may truly be taking in the efforts you are making


I did the same, for about four years anyhow, my son stayed with his dad and I dont regret it a bit,, he was a boy going through a stage in life where he was better off with the MALE parental figure guiding him through it(as I have never been a male, and cant relate as well to MALE puberty as a man can),,,,


dont let guilt eat you up, you are their mom and the best you can do is do your best to set an example of the life you wish them to follow,,,you wouldnt want them to lead a life filled with guilt and regret,,,,,so dont give them that example,,,

something to think about

Could you start up an email relationship
with your son?
Goal, maybe phoning?

It seems you want to start somewhere.
Maybe your son would too.

it's too late, don't even try to buy your son's love now. is what i would be saying if i wanted to hurt your feelings. everyone makes decisions in life that seem right at first, but later makes you want to go back in time for a do over. thing is your son has no idea how you feel. so tell him. in a letter, email, sky writing, or whatever you feel comfortable with. give him time to get his feelings in order and he may have questions for you. answer him honestly, even if it puts you in a bad light. only he can decide how he feels. only you can forgive yourself no matter how he feels. for now, forgive yourself, find yourself, and love yourself. you deserve it. if you get to the point of moving on, your son will follow suit. i guarantee i guarantee you can have a life again. (bulldog double guarantee - patent pending)

There is nothing anyone can say to you to lessen your guilt.

You can try going to a psychologist or psychiatrist, but that will do only a patch-up job. If they give you pills, take them, but please be prepared to live with a whole slew of side-effects, which include weight gain and sleep disturbances.

Sometimes the pain never leaves. Sometimes it lessens, or disappears entirely, but it can only happen by itself -- nothing and noone can speed up the getting-better from grief.

If you have been in this situation since you were forty-five, or for twelve years, if my math is right, then your son is is 19 or 22, and that is an age already when the values of a person completed solidifying.

Really. Some people get run over by a street car. Some people lose limbs to war. I knew a mother who went insane when her only son got testicular cancer at 29. I went insane when my mom died when I was 13.

Some things can't heal, and they won't. You have to learn how to live with pain, and that's about the long and short of it.

Honestly your damned if you do or damned if you did not as far as your son. When I divorced my kids were (daughter)7 & (son)9 even though I raised both of my kids. I had so many issues with my son he was mad at me cause I would not let him live with his dad.

I went through so much hell over that but I stuck with my guns and finally after my kids grew up they understood what I did and why. Just as your son will too.

It is sad at times that other parents work against you and makes that road of understanding even a harder road to go down... Never give up always try to be there for him.

Not sure if you get him on the weekends or what but if you do then do all you can to help him get through all the issues he is having... Hopefully the ex is not working against you on this... they tend to at times.

All we can do as parents is do the best we can and hope like hell they see we did try and was there for them when they needed us....

i have a friend that got divorced from her 2 older kids went to live with there dad when they got older
and her daughter got into drugs for a short time
and her son had nothing to do with his mom for all he was getting was negative feedback from there dad

her daughter got her life in order
is now married to a miltary man and they have 2 kids

her son is now married and in the military but far as i know he still holds grudge of his mom for no reason

My youngest son was nearly grown at 16 when I left his dad. At the time I knew I couldn't care for him & I voluntarily gave up custody. I think at 20 he's still stinging over our breakup. Him & his dad aren't close. Thing is he was in a much better place & was cared for & that's what counts to me. I went for a year without contact. He tells me he still loves me "because I'm his mom" Which in my definition he feels obligated. I travel a lot & haven't seen him since Christmas & I've made several attemps when in town (3x's) & he doesn't return my calls. The only thing I do regret is it was my own fault I was unable to care for him & had to leave him with his father. But, I still stand by my decision believing in my heart I did what was best for him. I guess what I'm trying to say is some things are beyond our control & as much as it hurts we have to keep moving forward & hope for forgivness. It begins by forgiving ourselves first. Best wishes!!((((Italy0219))))

Italy.....write a letter each day....to your son...don't edit them....just write it out....everything, anything, whatever piece of your pain you touch at the time.

At the end of the week....paste each page of each letter onto a page of a journal...again not editing...

Write everyday....


do this for 6 months, even if it means 6 journals...


and then...and ONLY then....I want to ask you to read them, in their entirity...


and what you will read is a mother.....whose heart walks around outside her body...in the form of her son.

After six months, if you have found the content of each letter is still remorse...I am going to ask you to do something.

Each day from that six months on....you are to write a letter...celebrating each day of your son's life from your pregnancy onwards until your divorce....again, into journals at the end of the week...


Then read those journals...when you have celebrated something about your son on the last day you spoke with him....the last entry so to speak...

I promise you...one day...in HIS life he is going to appreciate you...it may be after your death....but it is your legacy...a mother's legacy for her son.

I wouldn't worry bout it if i were you. You could meet another guy one day. You never know.

I wouldn't worry bout it if i were you. You could meet another guy one day. You never know.

Hi Italy. Tom here and I think I understand. I'm 55 and left the marriage 2 years ago. I've 3 kids, older than yours (29, 27 23)...but all of them took it hard. The middle child - my daughter - hasn't talked to me in a year. Hasn't allowed me to see my grandson. Did not bother to tell me that she was pregnant with my first granddaughter (who was born day before yesterday, safe and well, and thank God for that!) It broke my heart. But I know that a) she feels, and will continue to feel, angry/hurt/abandoned for some time; b) sometimes the knowledge that I hurt my kids is close to unbearable; c) given time, I truly believe she will come back to me, my Prodigal Daughter returning to her Dad.

As parents, we would willingly walk into a flaming cauldron for our kids. The last thing we ever want to do is hurt them. And yet...it happens, despite our best intentions. I've no solution to offer you, Italy. All I do to cope with it is pray and continue to contact her via email and text (to which I have never received a reply).

But I continue to take great hope in that I know in my heart that time is a great healer. I choose to believe that. And I pray that it's so.

I'm sorry that I can't provide more comfort. But I wanted you to know that I truly understand your pain. You've a 'brother' right here who knows what it's like - and at times just doesn't know what to do anymore - except to keep on breathing... But I really don't think that we're doomed. At the end of the day, we're our kids' parents. And someday, I feel - I must believe - that they'll remember that. With so many good wishes to you - Tom :)

tom my parents were married for 21yrs before they split up
my dad was nothing but a workaholic and when we needed him he wasent there and when we didnt he was there
my parents were selfemployed for 21yrs
6months after my parents got divorced my dad got remarried he married his secatary of 10yrs.. he would never had admited he was cheating but we belive so
he was never home when my 2 older sisters were little in fact my older sister when she was 2yrs old would call the landlord daddy i remember my mom saying that
he wasent there when my older sister was born if i recall right he was out with my mom older brother at a dang bar
or he was constatly working and didnt seem to care
he was home when i was born and he took time out to change my diapers (LOL) i can recall a few good father daughter things we did
he took me fishing when i was little i cant recall how old i was i know for sure it was way before they got there divorce
he took me skating with a friend and he actually went skating i thought that was a bit interesting
he took me to the wild life safari and the zoo when i was about 12
he never did those things with my older sisters
when my 2nd to oldest sister got married it was the day my parents divorce was final that was crazy my mom didnt know how to handle that and got bombed off her butt.
i can tell you what i recall and i even stated it to my older sister for she totally forgot about
my dad had bought my older sisters a car to share to go and back forth to school they used to argue over the dang car
and my dad got so fed up that he literly drag my older sister across the living room floor.
for he got tired of them fighting over the car
i cant remember what happen after that
there is some memories that may have been block im not sure
my older sister and i talk to my dad but my other 2 sister dont
but when my dad had his stroke back in dec. my sisters expect for one showed up at the hospitol
my 2nd older sister said she remember the last gift my dad had ever gave her was when she was 16 i think that had been the car
im not really sure
i know she feels that she was deserted
when my step mom died 2yrs ago it was right before thanksgiving and i had ask my mom if i could invite him. she didnt have a problem but my sister was very hurt which she wa not about to come becaue my dad was there.
my 3rd sister hasent been in much communication with my dad
they kidna made up when i was having my surgery 6yrs ago and when i woke up they both were at my side
but sense then she wont talk to him
i can say he wasent much of a father
when i was pg with my daughter 28yrs ago
he had no idea i was pg and my 3rd sister was pg with her son at the same time and she was talking to him then and he was totally in shock when he had learned i was pg.
he lives in the same town and he had not seen his great grandkids untill my 2nd grandchild was 4yrs old (something like that) and she now 10yes and my 3nrd grandchild is now 5yrs old and he saw her the first time shortly after she was born
i can say he poor as being a grandparent as well great grandparent