This came from a discussion I was having a few days ago....

The topic was relationships; in particular, what is the real point, the real goal, of being involved with someone?

One of the things that was continually stressed during the discussion was that a good relationship would be (this was phrased in terms of a hypothetical) one in which each person enhances the life of the other.

There was some vagueness about the use of the term "enhancement," so that had to be addressed.

Ultimately, it worked its way into the concept of "My life is better with you than without you."

All right, I can see some rationale for that.

But then came the issue of whether the "enhancement," as such, was a real thing or strictly a fleeting delusion, based on hormones, convenience, money, opportunism, etc.

I don't have any answers for that, but this did clear one thing up for me.

It made me realize that my life was always worse when I was involved with someone. Whether this was because I have historically made extremely stupid decisions about who I got involved with (no argument there!), or because my life was already so good that no one could offer me any enhancement (this seems unlikely, given my life thus far!), or because of some other arcane reason I cannot even begin to know -- well, I can't say.

But it has led to the thought that maybe, for some of us, there simply isn't anyone out there who can add anything substantial or meaningful to our lives. Maybe all they can do is tear us down, try to destroy us, and nullify who we are.

It's a disturbing thought, but even more disturbing is that I have yet to see anything in my own life that would indicate otherwise.

By this standard, for myself anyway, it's clear that relationships are far more trouble than they're worth.

Um...you might be doing it wrong?

For many it can be very fun, exciting, rewarding, fulfilling,
heartwarming, sensuous and of course intellectually stimulating
and satisfying.

Maybe it's only me.

No question about it! Just not sure what, if anything, can be done to change that -- or if it's too late to even waste time thinking about it.



Well, it always starts off fun, exciting, rewarding, fulfilling, heartwarming, and sensuous, but that all goes away pretty quickly, once they realize I'm not buying into their agenda.

As for intellectually stimulating and satisfying, I've only run into someone like that once, and, had the decision been mine, I'd still be with her today.

I really do believe my life would have been better with her than without her -- but now I'll never know for sure.

well then she enhanced your life

yanno lex it sounds a little like you are letting the memory of this woman possibly interfere

I have heard u talk about her before and she sounds great but she can't be the only non drinking woman on the planet Vulcan with an in tact brain?????

sorry

sorry my windows is acting up this evening

There are other women just as compatible intellectually and more
compatible most likely you just haven't met them yet.

Yeah, I can't dispute that. But it was....well, I don't know, I've been in this on-again-off-again thing with her for over 10 years now and, on balance, it's less enhancement than it is painfully inconsistent and grueling.

And it's my fault for letting it go on this long, and for operating under the assumption that this is the only way it can EVER be....but she is just so far above and beyond everyone else I've been with...



No doubt about it. She has become a sort of "yardstick," and nobody else matches up. Don't get me wrong, I would like to move past the whole thing, but I don't see a way to do it.



Probably not, but she's the only one I've been able to find. Add in the fact that she's more intelligent than anyone I've ever known, plus the fact that she's also the most creative person I've ever known, and she's a pretty great package overall. Except for some massive instabilities that seem to prevent her from being involved with anyone for more than a year at a time or so.

S1ow, intellectually I know you must be right. From a practical standpoint, I'm just not seeing it.

on the balance that sounds difficult. I know I would not want to be compared to someone else and have to measure up. At the same time I know I do that too. The thing is Lex is that I have come to realize recently that the yardstick wasn't grounded entirely in reality. I had enhanced the man in my memory to be more than what he really is.

So now when I find myself comparing other men to him I stop myself with a reminder that I'm using a yardstick that is half fantasy

You just gotta get out more often...

No Lex I dont think its ever to late.
I had no idea what it was to love someone, or to be loved and had allmy fairytale ideas,
Which really probably helped my marraiges fall apart.
I have always thought that you could fix things and make them work.
But a relationship is very different.
If you dont choose a partner carefully you are in big trouble.
For me , the reason I want to be involved with someone , is so I have someone to share my life with.

I dont want them to rule me nor I them, thats just a mess.
But I do want someone who wants me there, who is interested in things I do and say, and who I am interested in.
I want to be able to share my desires and dreams, and I dont just want someone who will listen to them but someone who has the same goals and dreams so that we can share them.
I want them to love my body, mind and even my dumb personality and accept me for that. And there is no way if I didnt feel exactly the same that I would even bother, thinking about a relationship. been there done that.

The other thing that is really important is that I can relax, sometimes I dont want to talk , I am happy to just drift into nothing ness and enjoy it.. so anyone who had to know what I was thinking every second would drive me nuts.. Just let me think, or not think in peace, but I dont want to be alone, I want then their just not nagging me.

So for me its having a man to share his body heart mind and soul with. I will never ever accept anything else..

But I have only recently dfound that this is what I wanted, as I found it before I wouldnt have thought it was possible and would have laughed at myself.

Get a dog.

They truly enhance your life with simple unadulterated acceptance and pure happy love. They dont have ulterior motives and accept you for the person you are. A dogs loyalty is never in question. Sure you may have to rake up thier crap out of the yard occasionally and give them rubbin but, it is a fair trade.

The key is benefits. There can be relationships, which proven to provide benefits. The scale have to tip towards benefits vs. shortcomings.
I know someone will state immediately "sex", but that's hardly a good excuse to be in a relationship and it does not feel like a 'benefit', if the rest of the time together feels like being in a torture chamber.

And which and what kind of benefits, it really varies by the people. And both side must feel like they have gained something and they become more than before.
If this feeling doesn't appear, than the relationship - to use a simple and effective word - sucks.

Krupa I do not want to share a dogs body, I want a man

I agree with krupa...animals can give the type of love that teaches your heart how to trust again. Some hearts need baby steps to get started! I know I am still not ready for "romantic love" yet, but feel like I heal a bit more every day

good luck Lex

I love dogs, always have, and would have one (or more) if I could. Unfortunately, I cannot have pets where I live now.

Just try to get into more social activities which will be fun whether
you meet anyone compatible or not. The more you make yourself
available the more likely that you will meet someone special...

Like posting a lot in the forums. Except in real life.

I have been active in a variety of sports related activities and
am at the gym everyday. I have a cup of coffee there and chat a
few minutes after each workout. Have also been a member of an outdoors
group - climbing, hiking, skiing, flying, tennis, soccer...bowling,
cards, business groups, economic development and attending as well
as presenting public talks. I've also had regularly scheduled get
togethers with former colleagues and friends - sometimes meeting once
a week or so for dinner company.

What can I say? I am a pretty socially active person...But each
activity is always an opportunity to meet new and exciting people
and I have met quite a few who have enhanced my life considerably...

You could hang out at a dog park and read for a few hours a week!

I have a two-pronged answer for your question, what is life-enhancement, and how to achieve this.

1. One way NOT to achieve this, is to provide categorical excuses to how you won't do it. Someone said, "get a dog". A sound and good advice. So far the best on the thread. You came back immediately, "good advice, but I can't take it, because I can't have a dog." I say if you are capable of changing your situation to be able to have a dog, then do it. You will lose some benefit, time, you'll have to extend effort, sure. But if you want to enhance your life, that's exactly have to do right now, in order to get a dog which is guaranteed to enhance your life.

2. The other way NOT to achieve this is downplay the enhancements to your life that would be available and real.
""But then came the issue of whether the "enhancement," as such, was a real thing or strictly a fleeting delusion, based on hormones, convenience, money, opportunism, etc.""

I can't possibly imagine how you conceptualize "enhancement" of life, if it is not expressed in pleasure such as hormonally based sexual or gastronomical pleasrue; if it is not expressed in relaxation such as convenience of lifestyle; not expressed in money, which would help you ensure many things that I would classify as enhancements to life, such as clean clothing, good meals, quality transportation and a decent place to live in, as well as social and cultural pursuits that would otherwise be impossible or unattainable, if you had no money; not expressed in opportunities, such as, in case of a "relatinship" enhancing your life, a widening of your social circles by annexing your gf's circle of friends as your own, an opportunity to have your own children and enjoy the joys of parenthood, an opportunity to live a stable life with the mutual support of a partner.

You see, the problem is largely that you don't see these as "enhancements", but you see these as "fleeting delusion", which they are not. Sure, they are or can be ephemeral, temporary and you can lose them at any time; but that does not equate "fleeting".

I think you would do well if you re-examined your evaluation of what constitutes "good" and what constitutes "boring" in a person's life.