When I was younger, about 19-22 or thereabouts, I dated several older, divorced women with kids.

What I found was that these women really didn't want a relationship at all, they just wanted someone to come in and "play daddy."

I have never had any interest in, nor aptitude for, that role. Back when I was studying psychology, one of my instructors made the point that "If you've never seen good parenting, you won't have any idea how to do it." I certainly never saw it growing up.

I'll give you an example. There was one woman I dated on and off for 2 years -- she was 4 years older than I was, had a son who was 3. She tried very hard to get me into the "father" role. She asked me for my opinion one night, when she told her son to go to bed around 8:00 -- he was reading a comic book -- and he wanted to stay up a few more minutes. I could identify with this; I know what it's like to be a 3-year-old boy who wants to stay up and read a little more!

I DON'T know what it's like to be a parent and tell the 3-year-old boy he can't stay up a few more minutes. I don't WANT to know what that's like.

But when I told her that it probably wouldn't hurt him to read a little longer, she got mad and started yelling at me for "undermining" her. "Well, why do you ask for my input if you don't want it?" I said.

But this is how it has ALWAYS been when I got involved with women who had kids. I am supposed to back them up in whatever decisions they make, regardless of whether I agree with those decisions or not. I can't do that. That's part of the whole "trying to change me" thing.

Granted, I have no business being involved in any of those decisions, anyway, but if you're going to ask for my opinion, I'm going to give it. Whether you like it or not is really not my problem.

That's part of the reason I won't get involved with anyone who has kids again. There are other reasons -- I know I would not make a good parent, in the end, and I don't want to screw up some kid's life just because I'm incompetent at something I should never have tried to do in the first place.

ok...just had to do a major edit job here...bear with me...

Thank you Lex...for explaining to me...

my opinion here really means nothing and I respect your decision now 100%.......


I always understood the statement....but to really understand it fully...I needed to know the reasoning behind it...and now I have it


Thank you

These two flat things..
I take it they are on the, uh, lower end
of your legs.
Nesting wombats are notoriously unpicky.

Tammy I was not referring to your question. I was referring to the woman who was emailing him. I think if anyone has ever had the title Mom, it precludes them from Lex's list!

Sense her daughter is an adult, she doesn't have any "kids." But, if it was me, I'd be checking to see if her daughter was single.

That's what I thought, too, but occasionally someone comes along and tries to create a loophole!

Lex

.. all i can say about your instructor is..that he's an idiot..because i come from an abusive family..and i make a damn good father..why..you see i learned from the abuse..if i didnt like it then ..i couldn't inflict that same harm on anyone else.. i love children even tho my parents showed no love to me..i enjoy watching them learn new things..
..family life is all what you make it..you seem to be too intelligent to be so close minded..just because your professor says one thing......i am living proof that he is wrong..there are always exceptions to the rule...

..

sounded more like attracting people who couldnt handle advice, and thats certainly not parent specific


same thing could happen when asked by a single woman about her weight, her appearance, her career choice,,,

you give it, and she gets upset,,,,,I dont really see why that is tied to parenthood,, more of a personal hangup,, but again


thats just me

My interpretation of it is that there's a difference between knowing what not to do (based on what's been done to oneself in the past) as opposed to knowing what TO do -- without any sort of context or direction.

So, if I had kids and refrained from bringing them up the way I was brought up, yeah, that would permit them to avoid a lot of really bad stuff. It still wouldn't make me a good parent, because there's no guarantee that I wouldn't end up replacing the bad stuff with other bad stuff.

More to the point, I just don't have any desire to be a parent anyway. The whole concept makes no sense to me. To me, it's like taking a gun and shooting a hole in your foot, and saying, "It hurts like hell, it's messy, and it's really going to hamper my mobility, but it's what society expects, so I have to do it."

It's not parent-specific, but this particular scenario is easily avoided by not dating parents.

Does that include if the parrot says "Mom" ?

Ms HArmony, NO WAY ARE YOU 40. then that is a pic of your daughter!

lol,, thanx,, I feel more like fifty somedays,,,,

My chickadees are grown and on thier own. My oldest is getting married and my youngest just started Uni. I dont even live in the same country. Grown- up they may be, but they will always be my kids.

touche

I prefer to designate that I have children,,,kids (to me) implies a younger age


perhaps just stating that he prefers not to date any PARENTS, would avoid any further confusion

I have an adult-aged offspring...the idea of referring to him as a child or kid is a a bit obsured at this point...

right, its a cultural and personal semantics issue

some people always view their offspring as 'kids' while some see them as 'adults' once they grow up


some have kids that grow into the kind of adults who always depend on them as if they were kids,, but some have adults who grow up to be self depenendt and no more demanding than a neighbor or a friend might be,,,

Ms Harmony, you look like you are 27, for real, lucky lady.

I have 3 kids, meaning, K-I-D-S oldest one being 9. I belong to singleparentmeet which is great because it's obvious there and so no confusion. Although i have met two peeps here who are also single parents. By peeps I men date-able men.

Maybe if he put "No women who have spawned..." ? Lol!

Maybe I'll try that....!

Really, maybe I'm way off base here, but it just seem to me that some of my correspondents are making this thing a lot more complicated than it needs to be.

It's not even really a "gray area" -- either someone has had a kid, or they haven't! In fact, the problems I'm having always seem to revolve around someone saying "I have kids BUT...." as if there's some sort of exculpatory clause that renders them immune to whatever it was I said in the first place.