In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there Scotty! said the doctor. Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides! cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, What's so funny Pat?

Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

Get out of my classroom, she yells, I don't want to see you for three days.

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, What's so funny
Billy?

Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.

Again she yells, Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe,
I don't want to see you for three weeks.

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

Where do you think you are going? she asks.

Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife
made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was
ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to
say, I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there.

No, said the doctor calmly, He'll be quiet when he gets to
the poisons.

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, My father's dead, Miss. Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died? He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all
the children to give their first name. When she got to the
little boy in the second row, he said: I'll give you a
hint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth,
and then it's in your tummy.
The teacher smiled and said: OK, Dick, sit down.

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?
They're mating, Lucy he replied.
What do you call the spider on top Daddy? Lucy asked.
Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy asked, Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?
Daddy replied, No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want
to see your mother again...'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face.
Why do you do that, Mommy?
To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
What's the matter? asked Little Johnny. Giving up?

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. Mommy, she said. Can we leave now?
No, her mother replied.
Well, I think I have to throw up!
Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush. In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
Did you throw up? her mother asked.
Yes, the little girl replied.
Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?
I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. the little girl replied.
They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'

The first one is just wrong but i giggled.... Little johnny jokes are just classic
Thanks

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,
How was I born? The stork brought you to us. Oh, said Little Johnny.
Well, how did you and daddy get born? he asked. Oh, the stork brought
us too. So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born? Well, darling, the
stork brought them too, said the mother. The next day Little Johnny
handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow. That's what I
did.

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding
parents left us alone in the living room.
Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed
her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.
If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter, I
said to her.
Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back
again.
Here is a dollar, she said. I wanna watch.

Taken from Fun Zone

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, Let's see. Fun
period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all
afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played
baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor.
They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they
don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and
Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married? He replies Well
with the USD1 I get each week from you and the USD1 she gets from her Mom and
Dad, we should do o.k. His father says That's fine, but how will you pay
the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby? Johnny answers Well, so
far, we've been lucky...

ALL JOKES TAKEN FROM TWILIGHT FUN ZONE

Why do you look so glum today?, the teacher asked young Johnny.
I didn't have no breakfast, Johnny mumbled.
You poor dear, said the teacher. Now, to return to our geography
lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?
In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast.

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a
policeman and said, I've lost my dad!
The cop said, What's he like?
The little boy replied, Beer and women!