I can imagine it would hurt like hell... Good points were made that there are underlying issues and you should probably begin to deal with them "after the wedding"... It sounds like you left him with his dad.. I could be wrong but if you're living in another state unless he moved back at 18 or you left when he was 18, that's what appears to me.. That in itself will give kids the feeling of abandonment..

It can go very deep into how often you saw him, if he feels his father was done wrong as well as himself and that you were selfish.. So many things that cannot be analyzed by us... But the bottom line is that you were invited, you are his mother and you should be there as such.. You will need to be in the pictures, etc. Don't let his hesitation to invite you stop you from going.. Kids do things that hurt us at times like no one else can, be the "mom" and extend the hand and heart and show him that you want to work on your relationship with him.. Going to his wedding and offering to help with things, etc before hand will also show that..

If you don't go I would think it's going to put an even bigger wedge between you and him...

When the person above said "get over yourself" I don't think she meant it in a cruel way.. It was her way of saying-- This isn't about you, it's about your son, pull up your big girl panties and do what you need to do for your son as his mother and for your future relationship...

Sorry that this truely significant information came down the grapevine to you. You have a right to a good cry and feeling betrayed. This is a milestone in your sons life and you kind of tripped over it rather than having it shared in a timely way.

As a mother I think you had the first right to be accorded the loyalty and gratitude for bringing your child through the world wheather it was done perfectly ( or as most of us do by the seat of our pants and the best of our abilities but flawed at times) and been told directly and respectfully first. Notice I say told not asked that your son was getting married.

It is a shock I am sure. I wanted my sons happily married more than about anything else I ever wanted for them but it still kind of feels like they are leaveing us and is naturally tinged with pain even if it is the greatest match in the world. If you are not really expecting it it's easy to feel a little unhinged and fearful about it about it. I can remember thinking "whew they are grown now I can coast a little and get my bearings" and nope didn't happen.

Not knowing that much about the girl has to be kind of scarey. Being women we know better what other women are capeable of than just about anyone but a younger woman can be pretty intimidateing for sure. If she is the marrying kind that says something for her right there so at least it is a good start. As hard as it is remind yourself she probably will not be that different than you and what is good about your son was probably what she liked and will rub off on her as time goes by even more.

Unfortuneately now days weddings have SOMETIMES become all to often the purfey of spoiled brats, those who can afford the biggest production, soley about the bride and not the family, and an additional venue for family to stick one more thorn in the side of siblings, Ex's, or parents but not ALWAYS. Many wedding do end up about unity and blessing the promises the couple are making to each other AND I know this is shocking old fashioned to the family and community wheather it makes good TV or not. Sometimes Ex's do put aside their differences and actually find a way to begin the next stage of parenting as cival human beings. Yea it takes effort.

Sadly your son kind of dropped the ball. Yea this is a big one and it hurts like a baseball slam to the chest to be sure but try to keep playing. You can either torture yourself and him even more or chalk it up to being young and probably just kind of standing dumb founded as the wedding started rolling around him.

If he put it on Face book it is not like he was trying to hide it since most kids are smart enough to know parents look at that sort of thing.

He may have "told" other family members first not because he wanted them to know before you but because they are in his face more. Yea I think it is pretty crummy your siblings did not tell you immediately but some people are incredibly selfish, jealouse, or cowardly about being family. Kids need a united front not a lot of petty crap but you found out so maybe they thought you were aware.

Sometimes and I am not pointing fingers it can be what goes around comes around. If you have old issues probably not the time or place to address them if you love your child and want to make good blood with your future daughter in law and her family. Besides the best revenge would be to go and be the Lady that their actions did not give you the grace to be. Believe me sooner or later they will fall on their own sword. Seen it happen many times.

I would caution not to amplify this into something it might not be. Sons tend to wean away from Moms and not be real comfortable about discussing their love interests. Especially if love has delt you a painful hand. He may be more empathetic of "your side" in the whole love and marriage thing than you think and not harbor the resentment, at least to the degree that you are fearing. Some (many) kids are actually relieved that divorce actually happens and getting married can be a hard time to navigate because we still are stuck in the traditional two by two mode of parenting when most families have a more faced situation.

I would encourage you to join into the celebration and go to the wedding. Yea as Mother's of the groom a lot of times we are afterthoughts but with kindness and enthusiasm a lot of bridges can be built in this time. Send the fiance a warm welcome and offer to work with out advice or a lot of questions. Do your best to attend in a supporting role. Yea this will be stressful so avoid alcohol, get lots of sleep, and take something pleasant, maybe a few extra bucks, to enjoy in the moments when you are feeling sidelined. And the natural let down of them being off in their little universe. Maybe a fun side trip on the way home or at least a nice night in a better class hotel. A little luxury for completing this stage of parenting. (NOTICE I don't say parenting is over because it isn't; that is a lifetime gig.)

Believe me it will not be the last of being the parent of and adult child. My loving and wise Mother in Law told me when my sons entered their twenty's after being really pretty easy teens to "be aware Twenty-Somethings were just two year olds on steroids and their mess ups and tantrums often need the same kind of handling. You will prevail as a Mom. " And it has proved to be true. Hopefully you will have a breather between the wedding and babies or buying first homes or unemployment but one thing about parenting it is never dull lol.

I would consider going, be polite, but not stay the whole time. I would go to the reception for a brief time, leave after the mother-son dance, as there may be grandkids someday and I would want to see them and be part of the grandchilds life!
I would buy or make the most treasurable gift I thought they would appreciate to let them know I love them no matter what the circumstances are.
Good luck, hope things work out for all!

Not blunt; you're just rude. That's my opinion of your response; thanks for yours.

I didn't move to New Hampshire until about 13 years ago; he would have been 17 when I moved here. He did choose to stay with his Dad because he didn't want to leave his friends. And, you're right; he probably did feel abandoned; but, it was his choice at 17.

i would say before you go to the wedding, maybe meet with him and his wife and feel things out. maybe he wants to resolve these issues as well. he invited you, and it is your right as a mother to see your son's marriage. it sounds like it could be a misunderstanding oh both of your feelings. he says he didn't think you would come....if he really feels that way, maybe he just needs to get to know you a little better now.

I understand but for kids (at 17 he was a kid) do not see life the way adults do and maybe (I'm saying maybe as I don't know) he felt you should have stayed there to be near him. I know people will say "every decision a person makes is their own and they should man up to it that 17, 18, etc is an adult" but the truth is if we look back at our lives no matter how "adult" we acted or had to be, there are still things we've done, ways we acted that were not on the adult side... Even now we still make mistakes and they're not the most adult like mistakes.. Maturing takes time and we're ever evolving and learning, experiencing life and realizing that we would have or should have handled something differently.. My boys do things that hurt me here and there but I chalk it up to kids and life and the learning process...

I do hope you go b/c that is a day that you'll never get back, you can never change and may regret down the road.. There will be babies, christenings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Usually relationships with family can be rebuilt and with our kids I'd hope that is always the case...

Trust me, that wasn't rude.

I didn't read all the posts. There's some fishy smell. Like, all the truth ain't out there.

Are ya' holdin' back, Mom?

A son who has a great relationship with his mother, would be about the first to know. That is, after all his closest buds find out he'll have free sex for life. (Just wait til reality sets in on that one!)

What I read, and I may be wrong, was, he was cornered and felt obligated to invite you.

I was married and divorced three times before my "Muthu" heard about the forth. And I wasn't the one who told her.

i would say before you go to the wedding, maybe meet with him and his wife and feel things out. maybe he wants to resolve these issues as well. he invited you, and it is your right as a mother to see your son's marriage. it sounds like it could be a misunderstanding oh both of your feelings. he says he didn't think you would come....if he really feels that way, maybe he just needs to get to know you a little better now.

Yer funny! Seriously.

I am so upset right now. I feel like I invited myself; and, don't feel right going at this point.

thank you... seriously...

There was a lot of text, and I really didn't bother to read much of it other than the first post so I apologize if this has been said already but it sounds like your son resents you more than he lets on. Not inviting your mother is a pretty big deal although I can understand him thinking you wouldn't come if you hated his fiancée.

I think you should have a heart to heart with him and get on the same page. Let him know exactly how you feel and see if you guys can get past this resentment. If you can, then you should be able to go without any guilt and your relationship with him will be the better for it.

but after the fact you will regret not going more, and there will be nothing you can do to mend the hurt caused by you not going to him and to yourself.

Go and have a great time. Prove him wrong. He said he thought you wouldn't want to go - not that he didn't want you there. Be gracious, mom. All eyes in the family will be on you this time.

Oh, and congratulations.

Thanks SO much for stoppin' by. Great feedback!