I am just interested in others opinion on this but I have pondered often how far 'commitment' should go.

I think it is unhealthy to put anyone else before yourself, and more healthy to place others beside you. That is to say, my kids , my family, my parents, my spouse, my friends, are not MORE important than I am but they are EQUALLY important to me as I am to myself.


That being said, if you are matched with someone in a commitment, and it turns out that they dont truly care about you or treat you well, or that they outright abuse you or abandong you for days or months on end,,,,, is the commitment the priority or is your emotional and physical health? I know couples where the male has used and abused the woman and she stuck with him because she loves him. And I have heard it justified, that if it is really love you will stick with them and try to make it better. I feel sort of selfish when I stray from that logic to think of what is best for my emotional health. I left my first husband for infidelity on his part, and my girlfriend stayed with hers through that and even more.

now, I am a single mom, and my girlfriend is still married and apparently happily so now that twenty years of infidelity has passed and her husband has finally become committed to her in his actions. She says it was worth it because of how strong it made them as a couple to overcome all those obstacles( five outside children with two other women).

what do you think? Is there something to sticking out even the worst betrayals to make a better and stronger relationship? Is it ever justified to 'give up'on a commitment or a partner?

Some people can do it. However, I've found most of those play up a martyr complex, and basically live their lives guilt-tripping the other "I stuck it out for you" until the other person becomes numb, or explodes and still ends up divorced.

I don't think it sets up good standards for each other, for their children. I believe the individual is equally important and shouldn't have to put up with what's essentialy crap and excuses for what they've done to each other.

I wouldn't put up with someone abusive, and am fortunate to have family members who would help me. I point blank do believe the man would die, by my own hands, if he truly thought smacking me around, and beating the crap out of me was effective. I absolutely know he would die by my fathers hands. My aunt on dad's side and his family, didn't tell dad for almost a year that she had finally divorced her first husband because he put her in the hospital. They knew dad would have killed the man.

Infidelity? Again no, and he'd better consider himself lucky if he got out before I got hold of a knife, because I guarantee I'd be taking his penis and balls on my way out. And unlike Bobbit, he'd never get them back.

wow,,,so, I guess you dont agree with the 'stick it out' theories..lol

To each his own.

Be careful to lable your friends a "better or stronger" relationship..she settled...so she got what she settled for. If you are happier being alone, yet respected..than do that. If your happier with the title wife or girlfriend, without the respect, than who is anyone to say leave?

good advice.

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Actually, I do. Within a small range, and that does cover abuse and infidelity. I don't believe divorces should be nearly so easy to get, except in those instances. I think abuse and infidelity hits at the very core of what makes us human, or should. So for someone to disrespect that and trample it, means they aren't worth the "stick it out".

Fights over the little things, while a pain in the neck, eventually pass. Unless the person keeps bringing it up, which becomes mental abuse.

my ex hubby and i were together on and off for 2yrs before we got married. as to find out he had a son that was 3months older then my son. he actually has a total of 6kids
when we split up for the final time. he got involved with this one girl and they were together for awhile and they had a a child. and he cheated on her and he eventually married that lady and there still together they have a daughter thats about 19yrs old now
and according to the records i got awhile back he had a daughter that was younger than his daughter he has with his wife. so i would belive he cheated on her as well, and i wouldnt put it past him if he still hasent. his wife is so dang blind. but yet so was i but i had family and friends that pointed it out to me to see through the light

What EquusDancer said here.

infidelity is the reason for alot of divorce. and i would have to say that getting a divorce shouldnt be made any harder. exactly the opposite. getting married should be more of a process. women are so wrapped up in planning a wedding they dont take the time to plan the marriage.

i wouldnt say that my ex hubby abused me for he didnt, but he did one time try and hit me for he was mad.. he had gone down to eastern oregon for we had been arguing and i went over to a friend of his house to talk and it was late so i stay the nite(of course nothing happen) and i came home the next morn and the ex hubby(bf at the time) was there with his brother, we blew up and accused me of sleeping with his friend which i never did, i just went over there to talk to him for he knew my ex and i were having problems, he threatened to hit me and his brother threw him against the wall.. the bad part i lived right above the landlord... oh yea she came up and she was pist, and i told her the situtation,
it was later that freaken day his brother tried to get me in bed with him... and of course i told my ex hubby(bf at the time) as i found out way later down the line after we had divorced and he was getting married the 2nd time i had talked to his wife and she even stated that my ex brother tried to get her in bed.. i guess he was trying to see if we were that freaken easy who knows

There are no absolutes except in cases of abuse (mental, physical, emotional, financial, etc.) which is zero tolerance.

But with relationships in general I consider the "Emotional Bank Account Theory" There is money in the bank with every new friendship and sometimes you take money out but you got to put some back into it. But if one side of the relationship is only making withdraws...one day they will realize that there is nothing left and the relationship is finished.

Am I making any sense here?? I think this is a Stephen Covey concept.

In essence, yes, there can come a time to just walk away but until that time, in the absence of abuse, my friendships/relationships are unconditional.

Since when did things like infidelity and having outside children contribute to making a relationship stronger? In my experience it only causes a tremendous amount of pain to all parties involved. Yes the woman may decide to forgive and the man may eventually stop cheating but that doesn't mean that they are "stronger" for it. The consequences of his cheating is something that they will always have to deal with whether it be his outside children or broken trust.

Strong relationships should be built off of honesty, trust, and respect for one another. Those things can and should be established before the relationship ever begins. I have had to learn this the hard way...best to be friends first.

P.S. Your friend sticking it out with her husband doesn't make her any better than you for deciding to leave. They may SEEM happy but remember "everything that glitters aint gold". She did settle...and believe you me she may have forgave but can never forget, and will be reminded of his infidelity everytime she sees one of those outside children (not that it's their fault). And you didn't "give up" on your marriage, your husband did when he cheated....he broke the vows!!!

JMO

Commitment is a two way street. One could say that their spouse is married but not them. One could easily say that taking a commitment to the extreme might constitute being committed to an insane asylum. I am sure a lot of people have seen the movie, "Play Misty For Me". Nobody should be somebody's else's doormat. There is a reason for breech of contract; Its just good business. There is a good reason for taking inventories; Its just good business. Even the Constitution of the United States allows for being abolished if it isn't in the best interest of "We the people". I always try to encourage sanity when I can.

There's a reason why the word, "committed", has a couple meanings.

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Excellent answers ... ... It gives me such hope that the answers I most resonate w/ here, came from the Men that answered ...

Means a great deal to me, and says so much for the two of you ...

I think many mistakes are made w/ the best intentions and can be traced to such complicated inner complexes ...

Many partnerships involving children are not separated when all signs point to the obvious facts that they should, as one or both wrestle w/ the thought it is best for the children to keep 'trying' ...

Much is founded in fairy tale models of how things 'must be' to be 'healthy and correct' - and the model is a wonderful dream, albeit it sometimes an impossible dream now that it has truly become a nightmare!

The deep fears of destroying the fabric of the kids psyche by abandoning the now broken model weighs heavily ...

.. As if majikal thinking can repair the grave damage done - that can NEVER be undone ...

FEAR ... Rejection/Replacement/Abandonment complexes, failure and other deeply rooted, triggered belief systems factor HUGELY here ...

When one is so in it, it can be so incredibly difficult to get the 'at a distance perspective' necessary to identify that it is irreparably broken and the extreme actions of separating the family MUST be taken as the ONLY sane alternative ...