very true

... My HeartSoul ... ...

Thanks for being my friend

... ... Back atcha, Sis !!! ...

... Times infinity ... I AM here for ya ... Always and in ALL Ways ... ...

... XOX ... Kate ... ...

ditto Kate
Forever your friend, Caroline

For the record Domestic Violence is not just violence against women.

Men are much more frequently the victims than the statistics show. While it isn't always as severe in the area of physical abuse often times the economic, psycological, and familial abuse can be profound. Men will stay for years tolerateing whatever to stay with children or because economiclly they can't manage looseing the majority of their resources and sometimes their employment. Or feaing jail for various made up offenses.

Physical abuse does exist. Slapping, hair pulling, kicking, pinching (especially of genitals), scratching, scaldings, stabbings, contusions, poisoning, starvation, and murder. Sadly most male victims and their families let shame hide the abuse even when it is recognized. Few shelters exist and sadly abusesive females often still get custody of minor children who they ultimately abuse also.

With the growing acceptance of fighting, belonging to gangs, drug use, and social acceptance of women "fighting back" and abuseing siblings it is expected that domestic violence against men will skyrocket.

Since being "believed" is a major hurdle if you suspect abuse is going on with a co-worker, friend, or loveone offering help is critical. Often life saving. Abandonment, alcoholism, suicide, and homicide are poor solutions but they are occuring.

Never said it was just about women...
Teenagers, children, and even men are abused daily...

Domestic violence hurts EVERYONE!
I can only speak from a woman's perspective, MINE!

I am a survivor, and I'll never give up!

Domestic Violence Safety Plan Guidelines


One of the most important things you can do when developing your safety plan is to talk to a victim advocate who can help you fully consider safety issues, understand your legal rights, and identify community resources (e.g., shelters, sources of financial assistance, or food banks). You can locate a victim advocate through a local domestic violence agency, which provides services at no-charge to victims. The National Crime Victim Helpline (1-800-FYI-CALL) can also help you prepare a safety plan and find victim assistance within your own community. The following safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help improve your safety situation.

Personal Safety with an Abuser

* Identify your partner's use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs.
* Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving.
* Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and where there are always ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
* Don't run to where the children are as your partner may hurt them as well.
* If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target: dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and your arms around either side of your head, fingers entwined.
* If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know the numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know your local battered women's shelter phone number. Don't be afraid to call the police.
* Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
* Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal that they should get help or leave the house.
* Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you nor they are at fault or cause the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to keep safe.
* Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
* Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
* Keep weapons like guns and knives locked up and as inaccessible as possible.
* Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver's door unlocked and the other doors locked for a quick escape.
* Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
* Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
* Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive, understanding ear.

Getting Ready to Leave

* Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as photographs of bruises and torn clothing.
* Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you.
* If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your injuries.
* Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them (for example, a room with a lock or a friend's house where they can go for help). Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
* Contact your local battered women's shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
* Keep a journal of all violent incidents, noting dates, events, and threats made.
* Acquire job skills as you can, such as learning to type or taking courses at a community college.
* Try to set money aside or ask friends or relatives to hold money for you.
* Store some belongings with a friend or relative. Leave clothing, medications, your Social Security card, a credit card (if possible), citizenship documents, children's school/medical records, children's toys, insurance information, copies of birth certificates, money, and other valued personal possessions with them.

The Day You Leave

* Leave when it is least expected, for example, during times of agreement and calm.
* Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies, schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave those phone numbers on record.

General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

* Make a plan for how you will escape and where you will go.
* Plan for a quick escape.
* Put aside emergency cash as you can.
* Hide an extra set of car keys.
* Take with you important phone numbers (of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.) as well as other important items, including:
o Driver's license
o Regularly needed medication
o List of credit cards (account number and date of expiration) held by self or jointly, or the credit cards themselves if you have access to them
o Pay stubs
o Checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets.


If time is available, also take:

o Citizenship documents (such as your passport, greencard, etc.)
o Titles, deeds, other property information, and tax returns
o Medical records
o Children's school records and immunization records
o Insurance information
o Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will, and other legal documents
o Verification of Social Security numbers
o Welfare identification
o Valued pictures, jewelry, or personal possessions.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you are getting a restraining order and the offender is leaving:

* Change your locks and phone number.
* Change your work hours and route taken to work.
* Change the route you take to transport children to school.
* Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
* Inform friends, neighbors, and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
* Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and schools along with a picture of the offender.
* If available in your community, register with VINE Protective Order™ to be notified immediately when the order is served, when hearings will be held, and when any amendments to the order are filed. Ask your victim advocate or sheriff's office about this service.
* Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
* Carry a charged cell phone preprogrammed to 911.


If you leave:

* Consider renting a post office box for your mail.
* Be aware that addresses are listed on restraining orders and police reports.
* Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
* Change your work hours if possible.
* Alert school authorities about the situation.
* Consider changing your children's schools.
* Reschedule any appointments that the offender is aware of when you leave.
* Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
* Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
* Talk to trusted people about the violence.
* Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors.
* Install security systems if possible.
* Install a lighting system that turns on when a person is coming close to the house (motion sensitive lights).
* Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
* Tell people who take care of your children which individuals are allowed to pick up your children. Explain the situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
* Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone be blocked so that if you call, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
* Receive ongoing support from domestic violence and mental health service providers.

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 2006 by the National Center for Victims of Crime.
This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.

http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=41374

... Excellent! ... ...

... You rock, love!!! ...


... ...

thanks Sis

As long as this is kept in the light, it may help someone that is filled with darkness and despair...
It is never too late to take control of your life from an abuser...

Oddly,

... I dreamt of this thread all night ...

The importance, deeper meaning, thoughts on embellishing it, discussion pts, etc ...

Each time I awoke, I rolled over and went right back to it ...

Hmmmmmmmm ...





*Bump* ...

Thanks for the bump my friend

What is Battering?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person with whom an intimate relationship is or has been shared through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.

Intimate partner violence in intrinsically connected to the societal oppression of women, children, people of color, people with disabilities, people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans, elders, Jewish people, and other marginalized groups. While oppression functions in similar ways regardless of which group is targeted, different target groups have unique experiences of oppression stemming from their specific historic, cultural and social experiences and realities. The work to end domestic violence must necessarily include the fight against all oppressions.

Domestic violence may include not only the intimate partner relationships of spousal, live-in partners and dating relationships, also familial, elder and child abuse may be present in a violent home. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical battering, sexual assault and emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time.

Victims of abuse may experience punched walls, control of finances, lying, using children to manipulate a parent's emotions, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, fear, shame, criticism, cuts, crying and afraid children, broken bones, confusion, forced sexual contact, manipulation, sexist comments, yelling, rages, craziness, harassment, neglect, shoving, screaming, jealousy and possessiveness, loss of self esteem, coercion, slammed doors, abandonment, silent treatment, rape, destruction of personal property, unwanted touching, name calling, strangling, ripping, slapping, biting, kicking, bruises, punching, stalking, scrapes, depression, sabotaging attendance at job or school, brainwashing, violence to pets, pinching, deprivation of physical and economic resources, public humiliation, broken promises, prevention of seeking medical and dental care, ridicule, restraining, self-medication, forced tickling, threats to harm family and friends, threats to take away the children, threats to harm animals, threats of being kicked out, threats of weapons, threats of being killed.
Who is Battered

In all cultures, batterers are most commonly male. Rural and urban women of all religious, ethnic, socio-economic and educational backgrounds, and of varying ages, physical abilities and lifestyles can be affected by domestic violence. There is not a typical woman who will be battered - the risk factor is being born female.

Heterosexual males may also be victims of domestic violence as perpetrated by their female partners. They experience the same dynamics of interpersonal violence as female victims including experiences of disbelief, ridicule and shame that only enhance their silence. However, there are specific cultural groups whose peculiar vulnerabilities may put the members of that population at risk of experiencing violence in their relationships.

Battered immigrant and refugee women in the United States have further complications by issues of gender, race socioeconomic status, immigration status and language in addition to those complications of intimate partner violence. A battered woman who is not a legal resident or whose immigrant status depends on her partner is isolated by cultural dynamics that may prevent her from leaving her husband, seeking support from local agencies that may not understand her culture or requesting assistance from an unfamiliar American legal system. Some obstacles may include a distrustful attitude toward the legal system, language and cultural barriers (that may at the least be unknown and at the worst hostile), and fear of deportation.

Children witnessing domestic violence and living in an environment where violence occurs may experience some of the same trauma as abused children. Not all children are affected by domestic violence in the same way. Children may become fearful, inhibited, aggressive, antisocial, withdrawn, anxious, depressed, angry, confused; suffer from disturbed sleep, problems with eating, difficulties at school and challenges in making friends. Children often feel caught in the middle between their parents and find it difficult to talk to either of them. Adolescents may act out or exhibit risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol use, running away, sexual promiscuity and criminal behavior. Young men may try to protect their mothers, or they may become abusive to their mothers themselves. Children may injured if they try to intervene in the violence in their homes.

Individuals with physical, psychiatric and cognitive disabilities may not only experience sexual and domestic violence at a higher rate from intimate partners or spouses than the mainstream population, but, unlike the mainstream population, they may also experience mistreatment, abuse, neglect and exploitation from their caretakers, including personal assistants, paid staff, family members and parents. Examples can be the denial of medications and personal care, the use of psychotropic medication as a restraint, daily and intimate care mistreatment and neglect, inaccessible organizations and facilities, unavailable or disabling assistive technology devices essential for communication and movement, improper use of restraints and the denial of life-sustaining medical treatment and therapies. Yet, this population gets little attention from the community, the media or policy makers allowing the abuse to continue without restraint in isolation and apathy.

Older battered women are a nearly invisible, yet tragically sizable population and uniquely vulnerable to domestic violence. Older women are more likely to be bound by traditional and cultural ideology that prevents them from leaving an abusive spouse or from seeing themselves as a victim. Older women are very often financially dependent on their abusive spouse and do not have access to the financial resources they need to leave an abusive relationship. Many older women find themselves isolated from their family, friends and community, due to their spouses' neglect and abuse. This is especially true because older women suffer greater rates of chronic illness, which makes them dependent upon their spouses or caregivers and thus, reluctant or unable to report abuse.

Rural battered women face lack of resources, isolation, small town politics, few if any support agencies, and poor or little transportation and communication systems in addition to the other complications of intimate partner violence that is intensified by the rural lifestyle. Sexist, racist, misogynist, anti-semitic and homophobic language and actions are often more acceptable in rural communities, and attitudes seem slower to change. The patriarchal "good old boys" network, fundamentalist religious teachings, deep-rooted cultural traditions and commonly accepted sexual stereotyping can form a chorus of accusations that the battered rural woman is unfaithful in her role as a woman, wife and mother. The act of leaving the homeplace, land and animals that could depend on her may be emotionally wrenching leaving the battered rural woman surrounded by walls of guilt and self-abasement.

Same sex battering is one person's use of physical, sexual or emotional violence or the threat of violence or the fear of outing to gain and maintain control over another and sweeps the entire population regardless of culture, race, occupation, income level and degree of physical or cognitive ability. Although battering is occasionally an isolated act, once it begins, it often continues and escalates in frequency and severity. In addition, the fear of homophobic and hostile law enforcement, judiciary, court personnel, medical and social service providers and domestic violence programs may keep lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and Intersex victims of same sex violence from leaving their abusive relationship and seeking help.

Teen dating violence may be one of the major sources of violence in teen life. Even in the best of circumstances, the passage from childhood to adulthood is often one of awkwardness and unease. When that passage is marked with danger and violence that explodes in relationships, then the journey into adulthood becomes even more overwhelmingly complex. Given that social, cultural, religious and family messages about intimacy and relationships between teens can be confusing, misleading, nonexistent or even unhealthy, many teens find themselves unsure of what to expect and how to behave in dating or intimate relationships. Fear, misconceptions, lack of services, low self-esteem, control by the abuser, peer pressure and concern about family response all combine to keep battered teens trapped in silence and secrecy.

http://www.ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem.php

The Wheel of Power and Control





POWER and CONTROL

Abusers believe they have a right to control their partners by:


• Telling them what to do and expecting obedience


• Using force to maintain power and control over partners


• Feeling their partners have no right to challenge their desire for power and control


• Feeling justified making the victim comply


• Blaming the abuse on the partner and not accepting responsibility for wrongful acts.

• The characteristics shown in the wheel are examples of how this power and control are demonstrated and enacted against the victim.


ISOLATION



• limiting outside involvement


• making another avoid people/friends/family by deliberately embarrassing or humiliating them in front of others


• expecting another to report every move and activity


• restricting use of the car


• moving residences




EMOTIONAL ABUSE



• putting another down/name-calling


• ignoring or discounting activities and accomplishments


• withholding approval or affection


• making another feel as if they are crazy in public or through private humiliation


• unreasonable jealousy and suspicion


• playing mind games

ECONOMIC ABUSE



• preventing another from getting or keeping a job


• withholding funds


• spending family income without consent and/or making the partner struggle to pay bills


• not letting someone know of or have access to family/personal income


• forcing someone to ask for basic necessities

INTIMIDATION



• driving recklessly to make another feel threatened or endangered


• destroying property or cherished possessions


• making another afraid by using looks/actions/gestures


• throwing objects as an expression of anger to make another feel threatened


• displaying weapons


USING CHILDREN or PETS



• threatening to take the children away


• making the partner feel guilty about the children


• abusing children or pets to punish the partner


• using the children to relay messages

USING PRIVILEGE



• treating another like a servant


• making all the big decisions


• being the one to define male and female roles


• acting like the master or queen of the castle

SEXUAL ABUSE



• sex on demand or sexual withholding


• physical assaults during sexual intercourse


• spousal rapes or non-consensual sex


• sexually degrading language


• denying reproductive freedom

THREATS



• threats of violence against significant third parties


• threats to commit physical or sexual harm


• threats to commit property destruction


• threats to commit suicide or murder

PHYSICAL ABUSE



• biting/scratching


• slapping/punching


• kicking/stomping


• throwing objects at another


• locking another in a closet or utilizing other confinement


• sleep interference and/or deliberately exhausting the partner with unreasonable demands and lack of rest


• deprivation of heat or food


• shoving another down steps or into objects


• assaults with weapons such as knives/guns/other objects

Heart and my friends put alot of love into this thread.....

needed a bump

heartsoul, you may want to look at the gross travesty and flaws of VAWA and how many men are abused each year, and how many are falsely arrested. There is a big problem in this country with female to male agression and abuse, and we are just only now starting to wake up regarding this serious problem. VAWA needs to die. It's not mutual, it's biased.