im truly sorry to hear about your father. but at least when he left this earth you both were in good terms.

thank you

Your letter was well written and thought out. It had feeling and gut. Wouldn't it have been nice if you could tell him those things to his face before leaving. Without interruption.

The lives we live are afterall ours. We make a choice to be who we are. The way we live. We may not have a choice in our sexuality...but what is that anyway? Sexuality.

A bomb such as yours...detonated for the first time....will of course bring with it fear and guilt, and remorse. A parent will find it difficult to understand or even imagine what they did wrong or how to change it. As...that is how we as ignorant people will percieve ourselves through our childrens failings...shortcomings...achievments, etc etc. An anger may converge and play itself out or not. As a parent...I myself would have been overcome with anger, guilt, all the things I could not gather up and untangle. It would have taken me years to come to grips with it. Thinking, thinking, and rethinking. Wondering and pondering and figuring out what it is really. Coming to terms with the years I spent thinking one thing and now being told my whole life watching you grow up wasn't at all what I thought it would be. Why...how...did I miss something? Was I so blind? How could he she do this to me?? Do you hate me that much? What am I gonna tell people? How is this gonna affect me? What about grandchildren? My dreams? My dreams for you? What am I gonna do? Me me me me me me me...that"s what it boils down to. Me. Now...when the "me" finds peace and comes to terms with its'self....and learns that my childs life is their own and they will live what they know or feel is right for them...maybe then...I will capture and regain my unconditional parental love.

Accept... that there just may have been something I could not put my finger on all those times I was saying you could do better. Understanding that I was really saying "I could have done better"...laying it on you, because it is too late for me.

Love is blind you know...it sees what it wants to see. Once the eyes are opened and the mind set free...we find that our norm is not all norm. Seeing that there is indeed colors...gray areas are real..black and white is not all there is.

One of the most beautiful things to witness is a rainbow in its full spectrum......and the people who love it, enjoy the beauty of it's range. The remarkable clarity and the vividness...the openess to what it means. The pure love of the rainbow just because, "it is".

Give it time. As time is what you also need.

Do you understand what I am trying to say?

Kat

I feel for you in these tough times you are going through. I have been through VERY similar situations with my father and family in the past. When I was 20 he found out I was a lesbian, said some very hurtful things and kicked me out of the house. That was (and still is) the worst day of my life. I was always "daddy's girl" since I was born, and he never talked to me like that in my life. Since then, things have gotten better, but I can tell you, that it does take time. I also am mexican, and being a lesbian in a mexican family is not always easy either. For many years, I didn't bring my girlfriends around, or talk about my sexuality with pretty much anyone in the family, mostly my dad. It wasn't until last summer (a year after I moved out of state) that I brought my girlfriend (at the time) back to Michigan with me for a visit. I didn't hide who I was, even in front of my dad. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, I was nervous for weeks before I even left to go there. But, as it turns out, it was probably the best feeling ever. I would not say he was overly joyed about it, but he didn't make a scene either. And we are still talking now, so it couldn't have been all that bad.
What I'm trying to say I guess is that it does get easier. The more you live for yourself and not anyone else, you will be much more happy. It took me way too long to realize that, but now that I have, I couldn't be more happy.
Live your life for you, and enjoy it.
Don't let anyone make you feel that you are wrong for being who you are, and never be ashamed of it, because (as I'm sure you know) there is nothing to be ashamed of. there is however, something to be ashamed of when you live your life as someone you are not simply to please someone else.
Good luck with all that you do in life.
Keep your head up and stay strong! :)

Thank you for your reply it seriously touched my heart :]

:] thanks