There is always something you can do. I spent way to long in a relationship thinking that I couldn't. There are programs out there that the government will help pay daycare if you can't afford it. Go back to school and the government will help pay for school and some living expences. Don't put up with him. Use his money till you can get out!

I'm just curious if most of you are missing that her HUSBAND is suffering from depression. That she has not tried to communicate with him in a while, and that he is on meds (meds can screw you up) and that this has only been going on a year??? An eight year marriage versus one year of hard times because he now has a mental illness??

Don't get me wrong, no sex, is hard, but it happens when you get married. You hopefully didn't get married to have sex, and you can always take care of business. And Depression meds take away all sex drive, and even the ability to be stimulated (KNOW)

Does he beat you, demean you, beat and abuse your children? Is he cheating on you? Is he supporting his family and seeking help and doing what he can??

If the so, then I find, "just leave him" as a rather harsh and cold response, and shows why so many people are single. There WILL be times when you are not happy, it is when there is no reason for it, as in you are working and the other person refuses to work on it, where you are being mistreated and the person doesn't care to address the issue or seek help, or if he is cheating on you.

Of course you can't drag him through life for long, but a year is not that long, and it was mentioned that HE WAS very supportive of her when she started having issues with her thyroid. (Oh BOY, that is depression, irritibility, and loads of other stuff)

Her husband may just be overwhelmed and incapable of dealing right now............her position as his WIFE is to try to help him out of this hump. TO be there for him. To love him.......and if then all things fail, if he drags you down, and begins abusing you and your kids, or doesn't take care of his responsibilities..........then I'd start thinking of leaving.

But, yes, if you need help getting out, there are agencies and help out there.

he is distant and sometimes mean to the kids, i sometimet have too intervien.
I took your advice, for new years eve we went to his friends party. Mostly couples and his friends family. Iwatched him play pool for about 3 hors, from the x we got there 9 pm till 3 min b4 countdown. After the countdown, his friends requested all couples to dance he refused me.I cant keep being shot down. 2 top it off my 3 year old girl wet herself, he scolded her in front of everyone. If it was me i can deal, but hes rubbing off on my 6 year old boy. really i dont too much care about sex, but cuddling, spending x together etc. I miss it, i cant talk to my friend (him). We were great friends to, we were adventurous. We tackled problems, not fight about them. Imiss him.

Scolding a child for pottying in their pants, is strict/harsh, but it isn't abuse, unless he was calling her names and hitting her. If she is potty trained/and or you are working on it, then some parents consider "scolding" to be perfectly normal, but only you know what happened, but this seems to be a difference in parenting styles. You would not have "scolded" (if that is all he did) but he did, and you don't like it......so it seems you need to re-evaluate how you want to raise your kids. Even if you split, unless for some reason he doesn't want anything to do with them, or you get sole custody and he doesn't ever get them.........he will still be in their lives and parenting "his way", so either it is something you can accept, or it is abuse (calling names, downgrading, hitting and leaving marks).

Did he not want to dance WITH YOU, or dance at all?? I mean, there is a difference which is why I am asking. (not that you have to answer, you can just ask yourself.)

Trust me, I know it hurts when your spouse is not interested in you anymore (so it seems). Either you are willing to work on it, and he is, or NOT. That is what you need to know from him.

Tell him you miss him, without blaming him. Tell him the things you miss doing WITH him, without blaming. You have to talk to him without attacking or making it "his fault" otherwise he will just push you further away.

If he doesn't want to change things, and isn't willing to work and do what it takes (note: if he wants to he will work at it, don't take a "yes" with no action behind it to mean much or anything) then go ahead, separate. Maybe a separation will help him see that you are serious. See how the separation goes. If he starts seeking counseling. You seek counseling for you and your kiddos. If still nothing, then you decide if you want to divorce.

I left mine three years ago. It has been hard on the kids, but he was physically and verbally abusive, and he I was at times as well.

I agree when the bad outweighs the good there is time for change, but most of that change has to come from you. You can ask someone (husband, partner, whatever) to work with you for that change, but you can't make them...........but you can still change yourself.

You may "miss" things, but you don't need them right now. Right now, I would suggest (note just my opinion) that you figure out if you are going to stay, if you separate, don't date until you are divorced (meaning, if you want to see how the separation goes don't date, once you know you want a divorce still wait until it goes through). I'm not saying you have to, I didn't and am still legally married, I am saying based on hindsight. Besides if you do, he can if he chooses use that against you in custody battles, depending on the judge.

DO, go out, have fun, establish your house with your kids. Learn more about who you are (trust me it is much different once you've been married, you realize sometimes that you lost "you" along the way). Do things you like, and don't worry about him.

Make sure you don't speak badly of him in front of your kids.....and just take one day at a time.

If you want to chat/talk send me an email. If not, best of luck to you!

Somehow, it seems, even with all of the posts from you that I've read, some ingredient is missing. Most mental illnesses are lifelong conditions, perhaps manifesting to a more accute stage at some point in life, but when that happens, usually there's a cause. What happened a year ago, when your 7 year long happy marriage turned into fecal matter?

he lost his CDL licence to DUI & he slipped into depression sleeping day & night. I was soul provider, he hated that., I tried everything to help him understand he's sill my man. I think in a way he resented me. I also had 3 kids 2,5,8 at the x, only so much i can do, also all housework and laundry, taking kids to 2 different daycare, the car broke down, and all this with full leg brace

find a job that will pay you enough for daycare, move back home with your folks until you can find a place of your own with your kids and demand child support.

there is always a way out.

because even though your kids are young.. they see the loveless life you are leading.

Does he still drink?

parents deceased no family only in laws and my kids and him. im a medical assistant the most i can possibly make is 14 per hr. im just going to wai it out till my 3 yr old in 1st grade

yes he drinks

It is tough but time to move along!

Why put yourself through hell?

Just try to make sure your children are the ones who get your love first. Relationships unfortunately come and go. Some last some don't. Don't give up hope and you still have a chance. Give up hope and all is lost.
Like the song says
"You can't hurry Love,
No
You just have to wait.
You have to give it time no matter how long it takes..."
Sometimes making the right choices hurt quite a bit for a while but not as much as living in pain all the time.

Let me amend this.
I overlooked the depression aspect but the Drinking part of it is an alert sign to much bigger problems at stake.
He needs to lay off the booze and get a handle on himself or he is going to drag you into his pit with him. he needs councilmen and he needs to pull his head out of his ass and face the fact he F****D up and needs to do something about it or become homeless!
This is not a Halmark moment. My Mom was involved with an Alcoholic after she divorced my father. They wound up breaking up but he is now a councilor for Narcanon and AA. There are facts about Alcoholism that are not pretty and there is no way to put a happy face on it at all.
If he really wants to make the relationship work he will quit Alcohol and get counciling and I do not mean AA. AA is the worst way of dealing with Alcoholism. You need to do your homework on the subject and resort to pharmaceuticals ONLY AS A LAST RESORT! Also make phone calls and speak with recovering alcoholics. You need to both proceed informed and prepared because without a plan there will only be failure. There is no instant out for an Alcoholic! The reason AA is so bad is because they rely on a higher power (that is not there) to help. In reality the Alcoholic needs to learn to help themselves. I cannot STRESS THIS ENOUGH: You need to learn how not to empower his behavior!!!!!!!!!
If he decides to face his problems he will need your support! AS long as he is trying honestly then stick with him because it is bad form to kick a man when he is down. Tough love is different. He will stumble here and there. If he refuses to get off of his ass and wallow in his own self pity move on. HE has to want to change for the better for himself and all the responsibility and heart string tugging will only drive him deeper into the emotional hole he is in.
Sorry about how long this post is! What you are facing is tough and I do want to give you good advice and not just slap an opinion up.

Actually depression, and acute attacks of it, are not LIFELONG illnesses. Many people will suffer major depression from a month to several months, to years, but then never have an "attack" again.

Depression is not the same as say..........bi-polar, or schizo.

(just thought I'd clear that up)

As far as the above post, I totally agree!!!!

Ah, okay that narrows it down quite a bit.

I'm thinking alanon or coda would be a good place for you to start. You have 0% chance of fixing him, but you might learn some coping skills if you learned your part in it.

Alcohol can trigger depression when it is not already there. Or it can make it worse. If you drink with antidepressants or anxiolytics, the meds won't work for you.

I was distracted earlier, but now have a bit more time to give on the subject. Here are some facts as you've written them, that may clear things up, or may well push things further into denial.

You had a perfect marriage for 7 years.

The problems didn't start until about a year ago, when your husband got a DWI and lost his commercial driver's license as a result. The fact that he hasn't gotten his license back by now, implies that he's had more than 1 DWI.

He still drinks, is unemployed, and well, seems to be a lost cause to such a degree that you are now on a 'dating site'. No, I don't see you as very available, to say the least.

You have had a lingering resentment against him for over a year, because of 'his depression'.

Looking at these points individually, one could easily blame him for all of your troubles, but the fact is, alcoholism is a family disease, and you are affected by it as well. As quoted by a book I myself have read, an alcoholic is enough to make any mother or child, neurotic.
See also: http://whytehouse.com/big_book_search/book/ch9p122.html

I really recommend that you look up Alanon family groups in your local area, if not for you, then for your children's well-being and happiness.

Hmmmmmmm.........relationship without sex.........hmmmmmmmmmmm


POOL BOY!!!

I have a dipping stick

Engraven..........your following me!!! Now put that thing away or I will make you wear a thong!!!

That's true.