I wonder if I will ever get the chance to prove I can live up to your expectations?

You are the only person that tells me "you are proud of me"....

It touches my heart.

Is it so wrong how much I love you....longing for that physical contact!! My DR. even said we all need that!! You are beautiful inside and out and I am here for you every step of the way!

Thank you, Tanya. I think I very much needed to hear exactly that. I need a girly talk too. There is much out of whack right now.

There's a first time for everything, I guess. I just wanted to tell you that I think about you a lot. I imagined our first real kiss. We'll be standing up, on a level playing field, but I'll set the pace and you'll learn quickly. It won't be awkward. And when it's time, you'll slam me up against whatever wall is behind me. It was a beautiful vision.

See, I'm still thinking about it! That's why I had to edit it!

Yeah, there has definitely been a shift in my thinking. I got a message about you tonight. Loud and clear.

I'm falling hard and fast for you....

Well, you didn't call me back at all this week, so I imagine we're not seeing each other this weekend. I'm ok with that. You're not ready. You need to deal with your stuff. So I'll just do what I need to do and follow my path. You will walk your path and I will walk mine. If our paths cross again, we will be. The path you are on now though doesn't lead to me. I have no control over that. I'm just accepting the choices that you've made and your right to walk your own path. I wish you peace and love always. And truth, more than anything, I wish you find the truth, whatever that may be for you. I love you and I always will, whether we are together or not. I was so sure that this was it, that it was everything. It can't be though if you don't feel that way too. I know you're confused. I wish you didn't have shoulds. I wish we never lost the path that I thought we were walking together. I know you're just afraid. But I know you saw it. You said it was everything. You felt that. But now you've pulled away and I just have to let you go. You know that I will always be here for you. I don't know where my path will take me now. I don't know if my path will lead me back to you again. And I don't know if your path will lead you back to me. There are some things that we just can't know. They simply are what they are. I thought when all of the big stuff happened that it would cause a shift. I told you at the time that I didn't know if it would be good or bad for me, but that I knew it would affect you and me, us. And it has. I thought it would be good. You were choosing the warrior path there for a while. But now you've gotten lost and drifted away from me. You say that you want to see me, but I don't feel that from you anymore. I know you've shut yourself down where I'm concerned. And again, there's nothing I can do about that. I left the ball in your court and you're standing there holding it, afraid to tell me that you don't want to play anymore. It's ok. I still miss you. I miss our talks. I miss our connection. But now is not the time. Maybe the time will come again. I don't know. This is hard. We found each other again after 27 years. I thought that was it. But now I have to let you go again. I'm not mad at all. I'm just sad. I will miss you. I will be here in some way whenever you need me. And I will love you forever.

Ok. I will make time this weekend for a girly chat. Email me when you will be available.

Thanks, Tanya. This weekend is crazy for me though. Not around much and too much work to do. I think I have it sorted out. It's complicated.

So many options. I like it.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this. So there was no wall, but I think that's a good thing. That first kiss was as it should have been. And I think the fact that there wasn't a wall is significant. But I'm trying not to think too much. Let's just say that I wasn't expecting this. Not at all. But, wow, there it is.

And you said it was real and you have no doubts about that. That helps. I still need to process everything though.

I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to kiss you.

This is long it's kinda a love letter I never gave to my boyfriend, this is back before I was to scared to tell him I love him (however I still haven't said it to his face yet, I’ve just said it in sms's and msn's.)

It's hand written should I give it to him?

Adored, Wanted Protected, Cared for
In his arms I feel safe, safer then I have ever felt in my entire life, like nothing would even try to harm me.
I climb atop him, looking into his eyes, his mind willing, but body not able. I wrap my arms around him laying my head against his chest, listening to his beating heart, feeling so close to him and so far away from the rest of the world. It's just him, my centre my ground.
His hands never leave my skin stroking rubbing, I can almost feel them when he isn't here. His strong arm around me as I sleep, his hand in mind as we walk. His kisses many more then I deserve on my forehead, would be childish if not for the sweetest intentions. I miss him, from when he leaves the room to when he has to go home. I long to kiss him again.
I'm confused, his attention and caring is nothing like anything that I have ever experienced before. I'm not sure how I'm to react I don’t want to be too hasty and say things I’m not sure I fully understand.
All I know is that I don’t want it to ever end, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. It’s almost like his life's mission is to ensure my happiness, when I’m sad he is trying to make me smile or laugh. He's always going above and beyond to make me fulfilled and happy. Surprises me daily with his sweetness. I need to learn to be more accepting of his sweetness, sometimes I feel it’s all too much, and I find myself refusing it I shouldn't. I'm thinking of how I can make it up to him every minute of every day, and I think just being me would be enough, sometimes it's not enough.
He's an old fashioned gentleman, pays for ever thing opens doors and hold me hand as I get out of a car. He's amazing sweet unbelievable honest and so special to me.
There is only one question I ask myself daily. Am I falling in love? Cos if I am then my last relationship was a lie I never felt like this with my ex. Sure I said the words but I doubt that I ever felt anything like this. It's even hard to write this all down, I worry he might read it and part of me doesn't care. I think I’m falling in love with you.
Help me I don’t want to say anything I don’t want to pressure him into anything. So I’m waiting for him to say something, which I think I see in his eyes every time. His eyes make me melt his kisses disarm me and his touch makes me feel like the only person in the world in his heart. Maybe I’m just missing him like always. But I’ve been biting my tongue for a long time now not to say I Love You. I'm waiting for the perfect time which to tell him how I feel. Every time we are together you take me to heaven every time I'm with you I’m getting less shy which is hard for me. You make me feel beautiful sexy and wanted never have felt that before and you don't even have to tell me I just know. You make me feel it without words. If you told me all the time it would seem to have less meaning. You surprise me with complements and make me smile, you’re cheeky and cute and adorable even when you are angry. Sometime your anger scares me but I think it comes from a place in your heart that wants things perfect and not to disappoint me. I have never been disappointed angry with or hurt by you and you are perfect to me. So perfect I pinch myself wondering if it a beautiful dream.
I dream about you and almost feel you cuddling me as I’m half asleep. I wake up alittle and your not here makes me miss you more. I can't wait to see you again I miss you heaps Sunday night is the worst waiting a whole week. Every night I finally fall asleep is another night closer to seeing you again. You truly are my angel, my knight in shinning armour and my saving grace because without you here for me I don't know where I would be right now. You've been slowly pulling me though and making me see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My future whatever that might be is bright because of you. I'm taking 'this' with you one day at a time and no pressure no expectations. Just happy for every wonderful second I get with you. I have never been happier, more fulfilled, cared for, protected, wanted, amazed and in love in my entire life, this is the affect you have on my heart, which is still healing slowly after everything and every day with you heals me alittle more. I spent the last years feeling like what I was receiving was all I deserved and you have made me realise how much more I deserve. You make me ask more out of life. You make me think about the future and what I want which I have never thought about before. I have put my life on hold for a long time and never though about what I wanted to do, and now I’m realising how much I let control of my life and future go, and now I want to work towards making my life into what I want now.
Sweetheart I Love You
Love Jackie

Wow. That says a lot. I'd say to go for it.

What a bizarre weekend. I'm just trusting that everything will be just fine.

I keep sorting it out in my head. It feels comfortable. It's a good thing. I'm trusting you.

I wish I was as sure as you, but I'm trusting your judgment. I think the next few weeks...well, everything will become clear.

I thought about what my life would be like if you weren't in it....and I didn't like what I saw. You really mean alot to me. Great friends are hard to come by. But you truly are one.