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| Topic: Disclosing the past | |
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Another thread brought this question to mind. How much of your past are you obligated to disclose to a casual date? How much do you tell a serious suitor? What do you save for when you know you want to spend your life with this person? How much is just your business, and never needs to be disclosed? On a first date, you don't have to disclose your whole life, although you should be honest. Seen people try to hide that they have kids, or that they're freshly separated and yet still living in the same house with their ex. Had someone show me a profile one time of a girl who went out with my friend, and never told him she was recently impregnated. Some things you gotta come clean about, and many won't have a problem with it. I had a girl tell me on a first date that she was divorced and had a low-level diabetes. Didn't bother me at all, and I was glad she felt she could be honest with me. Now of course you'll get on first dates and people will start asking personal questions that you don't feel you need to answer yet. I only can suggest a few things: 1) Tell the truth, but don't tell everything. He/she doesn't need every detail of the bitter breakup that happened last year, or stuff like that. Just keep the answers short, simple, and especially POSITIVE! If a girl were to ask me why I'm 34, single, and unmarried...I would NOT answer "well, every woman I meet ends up being a flake or a raging headcase. I just want to meet a decent girl like you" That is negative, regardless that you tried to compliment her. Try instead while a smile "Well, I just haven't met the right woman yet. Marriage is not something you just jump into." It was a positive reply, and it says you value the idea of marriage. Nothing bad was said about exes or women from the past. It shows you're level-headed and possibly looking for something real. 2) Don't be afraid to politely say it's none of their business. Had a friend who is worried that guys she'll be dating will suddenly want deep details about her past relationships, some of which were to some total douchebags. I told her she doesn't have to look for some honest creative positive answer. She can simply smile with a little sarcasm and say "Um...that's a litle much to ask at this point. I generally don't like talking about exes on a first date." Guess what? This guy now might decide that he doesn't want to see her anymore because he thinks she's got skeletons in her closet, but it also says loudly that he's not for her because he's too concerned with the past than the present moment...his date. That, or if he's more insecure, he'll probably now sit there scared. She just put him on the spot and called him out for his BIG mistake in dating. She won't see any more questions about exes that night, and he'll be working his arse off to try to show her a good time, hoping she'll overlook that mistake and go on a second date later with him. It's just a date, not a job interview or a police interrogation. |
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Good lord man.....
I feel like I just had a counseling session with Dr. Phil...
Excellent answer...excellent advice... 
Stick around friend...I have a feeling your gonna help me get laid... 
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Casual date...I have kids, thats really present not past, but crucial. Not required to disclose anything. If they ask, I say give it to them, if they cant handle it, you dont need them. Same when it gets serious. Im an open book, I am who I am, ive made my decisions and my mistakes and they have all turned me into the person I am now. So take it or leave it. I mean if Mr Date used to be a KKK member...yea thats an issue. But general, dated a stripper, had an abortion, lost a child, had a threesome....accept it or move on.
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Another thread brought this question to mind. How much of your past are you obligated to disclose to a casual date? How much do you tell a serious suitor? What do you save for when you know you want to spend your life with this person? How much is just your business, and never needs to be disclosed? I share as little as possible. I'm private anyway, but heck I really don't wanna know THAT much about their other lovers .. Or are you talking ALLLLL my past. Geesh, that could get real sticky 
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Edited by
hikerchick
on
Sat 04/05/08 03:31 PM
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Another thread brought this question to mind. How much of your past are you obligated to disclose to a casual date? How much do you tell a serious suitor? What do you save for when you know you want to spend your life with this person? How much is just your business, and never needs to be disclosed? On a first date, you don't have to disclose your whole life, although you should be honest. Seen people try to hide that they have kids, or that they're freshly separated and yet still living in the same house with their ex. Had someone show me a profile one time of a girl who went out with my friend, and never told him she was recently impregnated. Some things you gotta come clean about, and many won't have a problem with it. I had a girl tell me on a first date that she was divorced and had a low-level diabetes. Didn't bother me at all, and I was glad she felt she could be honest with me. Now of course you'll get on first dates and people will start asking personal questions that you don't feel you need to answer yet. I only can suggest a few things: 1) Tell the truth, but don't tell everything. He/she doesn't need every detail of the bitter breakup that happened last year, or stuff like that. Just keep the answers short, simple, and especially POSITIVE! If a girl were to ask me why I'm 34, single, and unmarried...I would NOT answer "well, every woman I meet ends up being a flake or a raging headcase. I just want to meet a decent girl like you" That is negative, regardless that you tried to compliment her. Try instead while a smile "Well, I just haven't met the right woman yet. Marriage is not something you just jump into." It was a positive reply, and it says you value the idea of marriage. Nothing bad was said about exes or women from the past. It shows you're level-headed and possibly looking for something real. 2) Don't be afraid to politely say it's none of their business. Had a friend who is worried that guys she'll be dating will suddenly want deep details about her past relationships, some of which were to some total douchebags. I told her she doesn't have to look for some honest creative positive answer. She can simply smile with a little sarcasm and say "Um...that's a litle much to ask at this point. I generally don't like talking about exes on a first date." Guess what? This guy now might decide that he doesn't want to see her anymore because he thinks she's got skeletons in her closet, but it also says loudly that he's not for her because he's too concerned with the past than the present moment...his date. That, or if he's more insecure, he'll probably now sit there scared. She just put him on the spot and called him out for his BIG mistake in dating. She won't see any more questions about exes that night, and he'll be working his arse off to try to show her a good time, hoping she'll overlook that mistake and go on a second date later with him. It's just a date, not a job interview or a police interrogation. posts like this are going to get you lots of hits on your profile. We need more intelligent men here. |
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Watch the power of Aura
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back onto the topic a little. i have learned from my past and some in the present that some secrets are best left unsaid. i was married for 5 years and let out a secret and the key word being "was" married...lol there is more to it than that, but she didnt want to deal with it well...i was a sniper in the army. i reclassed in the last 2 years that i was in, and chose to become a weldor. (not much room for a sniper in the civillian world) she thought that i was a weldor the whole time that i was in. now my secret is out. a disclosure like that hurt your marriage? That is very sad. that was only one thing...i am a workaholic too. And there is some more, but yes, a disclosure like that put her off badly...i had to do alot of things that i am not very proud of... |
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back onto the topic a little. i have learned from my past and some in the present that some secrets are best left unsaid. i was married for 5 years and let out a secret and the key word being "was" married...lol there is more to it than that, but she didnt want to deal with it well...i was a sniper in the army. i reclassed in the last 2 years that i was in, and chose to become a weldor. (not much room for a sniper in the civillian world) she thought that i was a weldor the whole time that i was in. now my secret is out. a disclosure like that hurt your marriage? That is very sad. that was only one thing...i am a workaholic too. And there is some more, but yes, a disclosure like that put her off badly...i had to do alot of things that i am not very proud of... You were doing what you had to do in a bad situation. Love would understand that. It's the fact that you are not proud that makes it so much easier to accept, at least for me. If you had a certain type of attitude about it, it might be offputting, but you seem to carry it with shame. You need to forgive yourself; you did what was necessary. 
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Thanks hiker,
you are right, i did what i had to. And i have moved on. I have been told that a person that lives in the past doesnt see what happens today... it took me a few years to "get over" but i can still remember. anyways, on to something a little different. A person's past is what makes them who they are, and i believe that to hold something back from someone that you could come into a commiting relationship with is bad news from the start. If you dont want to tell them all, then its probably not meant to be anyways |
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