A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator
demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the
officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist"
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a
professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "battle ship mouth and
rowboat ass".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets
done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner
of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the
"Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when
presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what
it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses,
gets in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we
go to court, I'll remember you're an asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a
bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired a sleazy
shyster to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is
this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you is sued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH', underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer? "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes, Sir?"

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

Thank you so much. I will print it and take it with me for the family.

I lost a real good friend a couple days ago in Iraq. I would like to
share the news story with you all just to give him recognition for his
sacrafices. This man was more than just a soldier, father and good
friend. He will be missed extremely. GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS!


http://www.wnep.com/Global/story.asp?S=6292554

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!



I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH
A NEW DENTIST WHEN I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE
SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE!

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN
PARK HIGH SCHOOL

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD,
FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

My idea of good friend to best friend...........Good friend will bail
you out of jail....Best friend will be sitting right there next to you
saying "THAT WAS AWESOME!"

I think love without meeting is impossible. I think "online" lust can
happen quickly. Pictures, cam shots, cam calls and phone calls can make
someone feel certain feelings. But til you can actually look into
someones eyes and see the deepness that lies below. Its not gonna
happen. Just one guys opinion.

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.


Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.


You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.


Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.


You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.


On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.


Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.


Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.


Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.


Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more 'n a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.


Yore complexion's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.


Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.


Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.


Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.


But for this man, honey,
these jes' won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds . . .

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!!

50 here

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed
and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
affairs in order.
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some

of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their
condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I know, I just don't want any of those *****es sleeping
with your father after I'm gone."

A woman awakes during the night to find

that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee

in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at

the wall.



She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his

coffee.



"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why
are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up

from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,

and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.



The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive.



"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not

coming easily.



"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my

car?"





"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair

beside him.



The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun

in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send

you to jail for 20 years?"



"I remember that too" she replied
softly.







He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ...



"I would have gotten out today."

Team owner Jeffery Lurie had put together the perfect team for the
Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't
find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghani soldier with a truely incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade
straight into a window from 80 yards away. He then threw another from 50
yards down a chimney, and finally hit
a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I've got to get this guy!" said
the coach to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
He brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game
of football ...sure enough the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his
mother."Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl. "I
don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son."

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son. "I've just won
the greatest sporting event in the world."

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "At this very moment
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says,
says

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia."

Three Hillbillies are shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air
conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so Stupid, she bought one of
them New fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is Dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other Day lookin'
fer some change, And I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.

solid=gold



GOLD

I'll have a double shot of the first sweetness that winks at me!

I went through this a few years ago with a Russian woman. If you do
your research, you can catch a break most times. Run their name through
a YAHOO search. There are plenty of sites out there that supply a
blacklist. Most scammers are gonna be on it. Good luck to you all
fending them off.

sorry, I gotta go with Willie, Waylon and the Man in Black Johnny Cash

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had
one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf
bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster
lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend
asks the genie,
"Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant
me one wish?"
Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him
standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly,
the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing
partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard
of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a
12 inch Bic?"

Very well put Chef! Thats something that should have been said. Thanks
from all us "good guys"