"love finds you and it shakes your heart and moves your souls into each others path."


Actually, that sounds more like a poltergeist.

"So, recently am practicing nifty techniques in nutrition ego reduction."


What foods lower your consciousness?

"I'm into keeping myself ready for emergencies. Not fully sure why."


For some reason, this made me think of Ron White. I'm not sure why.

"I have learned to appreciate sleeping in a bed and the networking opportunities in a larger city."


Do not continue! I don't want to know what you do for a living.

"I went into law enforcement so that I could go hiking everyday."


Yes, and I became an astronaut because I wanted to go spelunking everyday.

"If you have looking for my best friend, life partner, or forever, I just might be the wrong person."


Well, I know you are the wrong person. I'm looking for your best friend. Where is he?

"Looking for that situation that just happens without being forced."


I'm afraid.

"Im a teacher/coach/auctioneer, and Im kinda quiet until I get to feel comfortable around you, then look out."


Teacher, huh? I never would've guessed. No, seriously, I never would have guessed that about you.

"I miss you and am really close to my area to help from them later"


Um, what the hell? Does this have something to do with alien abductions?

"I like all animals so don't shy away if you have a cat, I think they are hilarious."


I could see women avoiding Alf if they had a cat but, do you really think this is why you are single?

"ONE MORE THING I AM NOT WASTING TIME ON WOMEN ON HERE THAT CANT DECIDE WHETHER TO GO ON A DATE OR NOT MAKE UP YOUR DAM MIND IF YA WANT TO SEE ME YOU WRITE ME A MESSAGE CAUSE I AM NOT WASTING MY TIME WITH IT ANYMORE...."


I'm sensing anger...

(Seeking) "someone thats straight out"


...of the closet?

"I like to camping hinking , swimming, motercycing , and takeing pic and going out to eat"


Is there any type of equipment rental involved in hinking?

"im not much of a book reader."


As long as you can read a license plate though...

"I would like someone to make me spend time with them."


Well, if I have to make you spend time with me that could be a problem.

"not really looking for anything serious just a good time... but anyways im not paying for this"


I know the economy is bad but I highly doubt prostitutes have begun to offer freebies.

Guard (for Gates of Hell)

Dear Penis by Rodney Carrington

I have to agree with KC on this one. Years ago, I was asleep and felt something crawling near my eye. I reached up and went to brush it away with my hand. When I felt it kind of roll up as I slid my hand down my cheek (it's legs were twisted together because of my movements), I sat up and turned the light on to see what it was.

I was holding a daddy long leg spider and I got rid of it and returned to sleep. Within a few hours, my (then) husband was calling an ambulance because I had stopped breathing.

It turns out the spider had bitten me between some of my eyelashes. Perhaps it thought my eyelashes were a potential enemy (shrugging shoulders).

I spent a week in the ICU but made a full recovery.

There's an "Online Now" button? Where the heck is it? Nobody told me about this....