Could someone please tell me how to remove my account.

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie.
All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

The wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday, but once she'd done the deed I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, screw it, I'll just soldier on.

The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing.
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10.30!

My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!" As I walked out the front door she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b..tard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom, it makes the wife look like she's moving during sex!

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded - "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked - "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied - "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest - "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celebate?"
The priest replied - "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him - "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied - "Yes rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally the rabbi said "Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich doesn't it!"

An old nun who lived in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked - "Do any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They all shook their heads and looked at each other .. very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out .....
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down ..... "Yeah, why?"
The worker yelled back up "Cause his wife's here with his lunch!"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare forthe worst so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I though she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself - she's going through the change."

Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked!"

Murphy sais to Paddy "Waht ya talkin' to an envelop for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies "The filim said 18 or over!"

clandestine

caricature

Thank you everybody

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress and I have been married for 20 plus years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it went:-

MY ENGAGED FRIEND

The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He looked at me and said - "You are the woman of my dreams ... I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

THE MISTRESS

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

THEN I SHARED MY STORY

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said -

"What's for dinner Zorro?"

Hi, I have just joined - I used to belong to the old Mingles so have been around for a while. i always enjoyed this site - so here i am again. I am a Kiwi living in Australia - best move I have ever done.

Thank you

Only quickly did my profile and would like to go back and make it a bit more substantial. Can't seem to find a way to do that. Any advice Please?