I kicked a surfer because I'm crazy...

MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy
asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr.
Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing
her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr.
Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse
Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died. 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this
) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Haven't seen the one about wife. Would you post it if you have it?

1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve .
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



AND ; )




He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*************************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
****************** *******
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*************************
He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
*************************
She said Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
He said . ... . They already have boyfriends.
*************************
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
*************************
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Now that's funny.........

Subject: Why You Shouldn't take your man to Wal-Mart


You MUST read this...all the way to the end. This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
>
>
>"After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
>Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
>preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
>most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
>following letter from the local Wal-Mart."
>
>Dear Mrs. Samsel,
>Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
>commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
>forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
>Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
>cameras.
>
>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
>2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
>5-minute intervals.
>
>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
>women's restroom. ?
>
>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
>'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.
>
>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's onlayaway.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
>7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
>shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
>from the bedding department.
>
>8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
>and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
>
>9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
>mirror while he picked his nose.
>
>10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
>asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
>
>11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
>the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
>12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
>by using different sizes of funnels.
>
>13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
>yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!
>
>14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
>assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
>
>And last, but not least.??
>
>15. October 23: Went int o a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
>then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
>
>Regards, Tom Richards Wal-Mart Manager

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

A Kentucky Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said,
'I have the authority of the State of Kentucky to go any where I want.
See this card? It allows me to go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer shrugged his shoulders and went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card , Smart A$$.... Show him your card!!

NOW THAT'S FUNNY

Why do they post pics of their motorcycles and cars??????

Hi back at ya from MI......I'm new also. Good luck on this site.

I don't understand why any woman would join a dating site and bash men. That does not make a bit of sense to me. I think the majority of women on here are looking for a man and not to bash them. If they want to bash men, this is not the place to do it. Go complain to your girlfriends.....I love men. I have had a couple of very hurtful relationships but I waited until I felt ready to get back out there before joining a dating site. I've learned by my mistakes but I am not going to judge all men just because of a couple of them. I always look for the good in people...........

Tell them that God made them just the way they are. He loves them unconditionally. Also, tell them everything good about them.

Do looks matter to you Mirror mirror?????

Hi, I'm new also. I see you have been here since 07. How is the dating going for you? Any luck on here???

Hi there. How ya doing?

Looks like I didn't read down far enough.......

Too bad you live so far from me hon, I have a second tv I would give to you. But you could try Craig's list. Sometimes people give them away as long as you have a way to pick them up. I've seen 50" tv's free that work. They just want them gone. Good luck....

I bought my ex husband one a long time ago........

ALL THIS, AND BRAINS TOO!