i probably do kinda expect rejection by default tbh
even in things where your required to be picked i always expect to be picked last i guess because thats all i have known. then you tell yourself your not good enough anyway and end up cutting yourself off from others. only responding if spoken to, feeling out of place everywhere.

first of all im more agnostic, i dont believe in the structured religious god as i believe its strcutured from the minds of the people at the time, hence why god is refered to as a fuedal lord and the way its set out is like fuedal kingdom. i think its proof enough rerligion was limited by human minds at the time. not saying there is no higher power, there could be. just that humans likely dont know what it is.

as for whether that higher power cares about suffering... think on it, that higher power likely never even notices you. you are to it like a bacteria is to us, we dont see those microscopic organisms. any god being would be so vast that we are but a microsocopic organism to it, infact our entire universe maybe microscopic to it so it wouldnt really care or tell if you was suffering as much as you can tell if a microscopic organism around you is having a bad time.

but on a philosophoical and spiritual level though regardless of that.... if a god being that existed was aware of each and every one of you, then your suffering is designed and intentional, it is a test. a trial you must overcome because when you fo through it and overcome it you develope and become a better person, you learn lessons.

then as a existential look on this.... maybe suffering is good and we crave it? because maybe outside between bodies we are a energy source that doesnt really feel or experience, we give life and inhabit these bodies so that we can feel and experience, so even bad feelings and suffering perhaps is what our very existential being itself desires, because even great depression is actually a strong feeling and we are perhaps hooked as eternal beings to feel these feelings, we crave them and set this path ourselves so that for once we can feel strong feelings, as in our eternal outer body form we dont but we want to

hi, so i have never had a relationship ever. i want to know what is off putting about me? lol anyone answer? to be fair i dont actually go out and i keep to myself, im probably autistic or something i dunno.

also look at that huge vein on my head, thats totally because ive been single my entire life. it really shows! lol (they removed my head vein photo but the one with the htler looking tash is ok? lol)

all my life.