Colonoscopy ---- this is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only if you've HAD a colonoscopy will you find this "laugh 'til you cry" funny!!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald. Here are notes from his journal.


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'.

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

(speachless...) hahaha

omg!!!!!

PS - I did feel guilty when you said only women laugh at this!
But I still couldn't stop laughing!!!

UK - you always make me laugh out loud!

This is HILARIOUS and extremely visual!!!

Welcome to Mingle2.
Join the forums for lively discussions and awesome people!
You will find yourself smiling more often, that's for sure! haha

Keep it real and remember, if someone seems too good to be true, they usually are!
Lots of scammers on any dating sites so keep your intuition turned on!
Good luck to you! Hope to see you in the forums.

That was cute!! Thanks

TOO funny!!!

Uk, we sure did miss you and your wit! Welcome back!

Thinking of you and wishing you many more years of laughter and giggles.
You have many friends here and we are all wishing you well.
Before you know it you'll be telling us all about the cute nurse who gave you a sponge bath!
Stay strong Lars and believe that in another 3 weeks, the cancer will have left your body. Evicted permanently.
You are in my prayers Zippy.

I'm so happy I didn't miss this party!

I wish you many sweet rewards and a blissful day (and night )! A very Happy Birthday to you and many many more!

Hi Leeroyce1 and Welcome to Mingle2.
As others have already stated, many have had experiences with scammers, both men and women alike. This is common on the web especially on dating sites. Please don't assume that just because the scammer's photo is a male that it is actually a male behind it. Some people have been found out and they can assume any sex, any age, anyone's picture, etc.

My main point here is that IT ISN'T ABOUT YOU! Not at all! It's about what these vultures can get out of you and me and him and her... They target anyone and everyone. Knowing the signs and trusting your instincts are both very important. If someone is too good to be true, he or she probably is! Don't give anyone any personal info and that includes any e-mail accounts as that is usually the first thing they try to do is get you off this site to communicate "better and faster and more personally"!

Stay here. Be yourself! Be true to who you are! And as Leigh said, join in the forums for awesome conversations and points of views but mostly for the wit and humor shared by some great people - men and women in the Mingle2 forums! Hang in there and good luck!

sigh

It's never easy but it's so important to the both of you. Don't waste each other's time!

Just be honest and upfront. That's the least they should be able to expect from you. There's no need to be rude or cruel.

Wishing you a most wonderful birthday and many more!

Well, I... ummmm... I... need... errr... ummmm... ahhhh... I need ummmm... a big juicy steak please!

Hey Michey, you're so fine.
You're so fine, you blow my mind.
Hey Mickey! Hey! Hey Hey Mickey!

I felt like singing! And Mickey, that was beautiful.
When I read the topic post, that was the first thing I thought about. Holding hands is just NOT the same when you're alone.

Touch is such a powerful sense. With a 90% heart like yours , I am quite sure you will find one who is worthy of your love.
Don't you dare change for anybody!
Awesome post from the heart.

Joyful serenity

Too funny! Thank you for posting!

I agree with you that random acts of kindness are supposed to be anonymous in that you do not wish to be appreciated for the effort. However in this context, seeing that most of us only know each other through this site, I think we can learn from each other's kindness and hear new ways we can do more.
Just my humble opinion.

I suggest you take the matter into your own hands. Good luck!