Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to
dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up,grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, ......."All right,that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

I'm up for the girl who got rejected but then she was asked to do a Dolly Parton song and got through.
Okay back to the office grind..."working 9 to 5 what a way to make a living..."

I'm up for the girl who got rejected but then she was asked to do a Dolly Parton song and got through.
Okay back to the office grind..."working 9 to 5 what a way to make a living..."

My hair is straight but when I go home to Ireland it goes like Little Orphan Annie...damn the rain!

I'm a (lapsed) Irish catholic and I don't want to offend any religion, each to their own and all that, but I'd by some!



'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7241296.stm

A leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report.
The range, named Lookin' Good for Jesus, was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state.

Catholics complained the cosmetics' marketing was disrespectful, full of sexual innuendo and trivialised Christianity.

About 15% of Singapore's 4.4 million population is Christian.

The products included a "Virtuous vanilla" lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream, featuring a picture of Christ flanked by two adoring women.

"Why would anyone use religious figures to promote vanity products? It's very disrespectful and distasteful," the Straits Times newspaper quoted accountant Grace Ong, 24, as saying.

A spokesman for the Wing Tai company, which runs Topshop's outlets in Singapore, told the newspaper it did not want to offend its customers, and withdrew the products last month.

It was not clear whether other shops were still selling the range, which is produced by the US-based company, Blue Q.

Tupac Shakur

1.Middle name: Paul
2. Famous artist/band/musician: Physcodelic Furs
3. 4-letter word: pooh
4. U.S state: Philedelphia
5. Boy name: Phillip
6. Girl name: Phillis
7. animal: Porpoise
8. Something in the kitchen: Pot
9. Reason for being late: PMT
10. Body Part: pointy bits
11. Drink: passion fruit
12. Something you shout: Pfifh
13. Something you eat: pomegranite

Don't get Jay Leno over here until years later
But you can send them in on my behalf and send my the royalty cheque made payable to C Ash ...minus your fees of course Leahmarie

YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2007
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Can honestly say mine is big, white and rotates !
PS go for the tattoo

I'm a smurf to - We need a Murphy Club...welcome brethern come one, come all !

You're the one on the wrong side

Well ?

Its the Irish in me! Got any in you

I can give Jill the windswept look - no probs

I'm a little bit shy Jill so am hiding behind a fan !

You'll go blind ! but Specs are fashionable these days. Lifes too short so occassionally is good but sex is like a sandwich - its better with two slices

10 minutes before feeding time at the office zoo my colleague Carol declared to the office "I could do with something warm inside me"

OFFICE JARGON EXPLAINED
Are your colleagues in need of "a bite of the reality sandwich"?
The phrase ranks among the UK's most cringeworthy workplace jargon, according to a list compiled by recruitment firm Office Angels.

New office buzz words also include "blamestorming" - debating with colleagues why a deadline was missed and who was responsible.

And "boss-spasming" - getting busy with a lot of work as soon as your boss enters the room.

Other workplace lingo noted by the recruitment firm included "we need to bottom this out" and "the juice ain't worth the squeeze".

Office daydreamers can tell their bosses they are engaging in "workspace specific perceptual abstraction".

If you work on a cube farm (office cubicles) you can do the Prairie Dog

MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE
For new ideas "chuck it on the seed tray and lets see if the Budgie sh1ts on it"

You got me on that one Don ! Whos gonna tell the DJs not to bother using 45's n 78's as its old hat