MALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails and topics over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000,000,365,208,754 people in the next 70 minutes, the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

;
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Have a nice day!!!!!!!!!
"Any day you wake up ..... is a Good day"

As long as you don't mean it, sometimes its funny to laugh about superficial stereotypes, but for the record, I am not a racist person.

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make
Your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for
Living.'

Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have
Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord
Said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the
Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord
Said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are
They?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about
Everybody.

Haha, Thats great

Good Day,

Please Read.

My name is Mr. Song Li le, I am the credit officer in Hang

Seng Bank Hong
Kong. I have a business proposal in the tune of $19.5m, after

the
successful transfer, we shall share in ratio of 30% for you

and 70% for
me. Should you be interested, please contact me through my

private email
( snglile_13@yahoo.com.hk ) so we can commence all

arrangements and i will
give you more information on how we would handle this

project.

Please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and

send me the
following:

(1)Full names
(2)private phone number
(3)current residential address
(4)Occupation
(5)Age and Sex.

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li le.

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate.

"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.

Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"



Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

Both

A biker was riding a long the California coast line, when the clouds opend and God spoke from Heaven and said,"Because you have tried to be faithful in all your ways, I am going to grant you one wish."

So the biker pulled over and thought about it, and said, "Build bridge from here to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want."

God Said,"It is disapointing that your request is so blantaly selfish and materialistic. think of the enourmous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports would have to reach the bottom of the pacific...the Concrete and steel it would take...It would nearly exaust several of the planet's natural resources. I CAN do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of the Earth's much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and Glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time, Finally he said,"God, what I would really like is to be able to understand my wife. I want to be able to know how she feels inside, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, and what she means when she says nothing is wrong. I want to know how to truly make a woman happy."

God replied,"So, do you want two lanes of four lanes on that bridge?"

Some say the glass of water is half full, some say the glass of water is half empty, Me?... I ordered the cheeseburger.

A great note for all to read it will take just 37 seconds to read this
and change your thinking

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to
help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and
families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military
service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he
would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he
could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods
where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity
and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans
played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young
lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view
of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the
man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the
picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In
his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with
descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only
to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died
peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital
attendants to take the body away.


As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be
moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and
after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.


Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his
first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to
look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased
roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.


Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that
money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.

The origin of this letter is unknown

Maybe he is busy with his job, or...he could be trying to make you wait, and wonder, to keep you on a leash...Now sometimes that is kinda good, a little suspense and waiting does make it grow stronger, but there is a fine line. Do let him know that you are not going to put up with it, but also consider, something real could have come up, so its hard to say. I hope that works out for you.

We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.




Now here are the rules from the male side.




These are our rules! numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.



1. Learn to work the toilet seat.


You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.


We need it up, you need it down.


You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want.


Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.


In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.


Don't ask us.



1.

You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.


Not both!
If you already know best how to do it, please do it yourself.



1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.


Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.


Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.

An engineer died and was instantly transported to pearly gates. Saint Peter met the engineer at the gates of Heaven. Peter looked through his records to see if the engineer was listed in "the book" of souls that should go to heaven. Peter looked once, furrowed his brow, looked again and finally said, "I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list. Usually engineers are a cinch to get in to Heaven but since your name is not on the list you'll have to go .... below." The engineer was, of course, disappointed but he took the elevator down to Hell.

A couple weeks later Peter called down to Satan in Hell. "Hello, Satan?" "Yeah, its me, Peter. Whatayawant?" "It is about that engineer I sent down a couple weeks ago." Satan answered, "Oh yeah, that guy was a real find. He's great. He has gotten a heat exchanger working so that it is now a nice comfortable 68 degrees, he has piped in cool running water, he has got a ventalation system going to get rid of that sulfur smell. He made this place into a paradise."

There was silence on the line for a moment and then Peter said "well, we made a mistake. He belongs up here. There was a record keeping glitch but I want you to send him up right away." "No way are we giving this guy up," said Satan, "he is the best thing that ever happened to us down here." Peter responded, "Well that is just too bad, he belongs up here and that is that." Satan, unmoved, said "no can do, Padre -- he is staying here." Peter, exasperated, said "well, if you don't send him up right away, we are going to sue.

"Then Satan asked "Oh yeah, where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Wed 05/14/08 11:09 AM
A biker was riding a long the California coast line, when the clouds opend and God spoke from Heaven and said,"Because you have tried to be faithful in all your ways, I am going to grant you one wish."

So the biker pulled over and thought about it, and said, "Build bridge from here to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want."

God Said, "It is disapointing that your request is so blantaly selfish and materialistic, think of the enourmous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports would have to reach the bottom of the pacific...the Concrete and steel it would take...It would nearly exaust several of the planet's natural resources. I CAN do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of the Earth's much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.

"The biker thought about it for a long time, Finally he said, "God, what I would really like is to be able to understand my wife. I want to be able to know how she feels inside, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, and what she means when she says nothing is wrong. I want to know how to truly understand a woman and make her happy."

God replied, "So, do you want two lanes of four lanes on that bridge?"

I am kinda new to this site, I was on here before, but I thought I would give it a shot and see what happens

Hey everyone, I am Nathan. I like to work out, play guitar and hang out with friends. I am on here to meet new people, maybe a relationship. Its hard these days to meet the right kind of people. I feel I am one of a kind, so I figure in order to meet people like myself, I figure they would be on this site. So stop by and get to know me.