A guy is out with his buddies and has a few drinks. He's feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife he goes home. He finds her sound asleap in bed, with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you buy a mansion on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, pa rty, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

Either way you start off in diapers and end in diapers.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his
head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Man driving down road.
Woman driving same road...
They pass each other...
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back out window, B * T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen......

Man driving down road.
Woman driving same road...
They pass each other...
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back out window, B * T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen......

Man driving down road.
Woman driving same road...
They pass each other...
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back out window, B * T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen......