There are two days in every week about which we should not worry. Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone!

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, whether in splendor or behind a mask of clouds. But it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day: today.

Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.

It is not necessarily the experience of today that disturbs one's peace of mind. It is oftentime the bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us therefore live one day at a time.

The Most Important ABC's

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits

Believe in yourself

Consider things from every angle

Don't give up and don't give in

Enjoy life today, don't worry about tomorrow

Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches

Give more than you planned to

Hang on to your dreams

Ignore those who try to discourage you

Just do it

Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier

Love yourself first and most

Make it happen

Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal

Open your eyes and see things as they really are

Practice makes perfect

Quitters never win and winners never quit

Read, study and learn about everything important in your life

Stop procrastinating

Take control of your own destiny

Understand yourself in order to better understand others

Visualize it

Want it more than anything

Xcellerate your efforts

You are unique, nothing can replace you

Zero in on your target and go for it

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs,
don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week.

Most people aren't really clear on the differences between you and I, and everybody else. I thought maybe if I prepared a simple chart, it might help clear up the matter:

I'M Chatty
YOU'RE Unusually Talkative
THEY'RE A motor mouth

I'M Reflecting
YOU'RE A little quiet
THEY'RE Moody and sullen

I'M Righteously Indignant
YOU'RE Annoyed and Insulted
THEY'RE A motor mouth

I'M Reconsidering
YOU'RE Changing your mind
THEY'RE Going back on their word

I'M Neat
YOU'RE Fussy
THEY'RE Far too exacting

I'M Neighborly
YOU'RE A little nosy
THEY'RE A gossip

I'M A good shopper
YOU'RE Thrifty
THEY'RE A tightwad

I'M Sparkling
YOU'RE Flamboyant
THEY'RE An insecure show off

I'M Confident
YOU'RE Slightly Boastful
THEY'RE Egotistical

I'M Handsome
YOU'RE Good featured
THEY'RE OK, if ya like that type

I'M Subtle
YOU'RE Not always clear
THEY'RE Out of touch

I'M Busy
YOU'RE Behind in your work
THEY'RE Unable to cope

I'M A flirt
YOU'RE A trifler
THEY'RE An adulterer

I'M Witty
YOU'RE Flip
THEY'RE Insulting

I'M Firm
YOU'RE Stubborn at times
THEY'RE A Pig-Headed Fool

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. We say "sir and ma'am", "please and thank you", "excuse me and I'm sorry" when we are wrong or impolite. Do not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak. It's just good up-bringing.

12. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

14. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it frightens the fish, and aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. Don't think that since we talk slow, we think slow. You may be in for a big surprise.

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than you do. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get your butt kicked by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump stuff ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and Bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina . You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me. You're the expert.'

During this holiday season, we have a tendency to get caught up in the hype and stress ourselves out. Want a quick way to de-stress? Spend time helping others. Spend time with someone you know or someone you haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet.

Many people are alone during the holidays and wouldn't think of asking for your time or help because of pride or the way they were raised. You know who they are. Could you find a way to spend an hour with them, to help them through the day? By offering the gift of friendship and time spent, you will make an impact on their life and yours.

The more you give of yourself, the more you will receive in return. It may come to you in ways you never expected, or it may come to you just as you imagined. Either way, when you give unselfishly and freely your heart leaps and the stresses in your life seem to become smaller.

So please consider spending time, our most precious commodity, helping others.

Have a wonderful Holiday Season, sharing the gift of time with others.

I didn't write it, just passin it along.

1.) LOVE
The Special Feeling That Makes You Feel All Warm And Wonderful.

2.) RESPECT
Treating Others As Well As You Would Like To Be Treated.

3.) APPRECIATION:
To Be Grateful For All The Good Things Life Has To Offer.

4.) HAPPINESS
The Full Enjoyment Of Each Moment. A Smiling Face.

5.) FORGIVENESS
The Ability To Let Things Be Without Anger.

6.) SHARING
The Joy Of Giving Without Thought Of Receiving.

7.) HONESTY
The Quality Of Always Telling The Truth.

8.) INTEGRITY
The Purity Of Doing What's Right, No Matter What.

9.) COMPASSION
The Essence Of Feeling Another's Pain, While Easing Their Hurt.

10.) PEACE
The Reward For Living The 10 Most Important Things.

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done
roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.
Sooooooooo, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy thought for a minute then said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? "To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this
package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....... "

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.


"What are those?," asks the attendant. "They're called tees,"replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.


"Fookin' Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

NEW DEMOCRATIC BUMPER STICKERS FOR '08:

1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow jobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Whose God Do You Kill For?

14. Jail to the Chief

15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

17. Bad President! No Banana.

18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?

23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

26. Pray For Impeachment

27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

29. One Nation Under Clod

30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified

31. Bush Never Exhaled

32. At Least Nixon Resigned

Little stones make big mountains
Little steps can cover miles
Little acts of loving-kindness
Give the world its biggest smiles

Little words can soothe big troubles
Little hugs can dry big tears
Little candles light the darkness
Little memories last for years

Little dreams can lead to greatness
Little victories to success
It's the little things in life
That brings the greatest happiness

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into stress and worries about work and life.

Deciding to offer his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite. He told them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, this can sometimes be the source of your problems and stress."

He continued:
"What you all really wanted was the coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups."

Now consider this: life is the coffee and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and do not change the quality of life. Sometimes, by only concentrating on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee!

Jimmy, who at age 72, is a Wal-Mart greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.



Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.



Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.



The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?



Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:



1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.



4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00

You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on.

You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Walmart to
get something to help complete the job. Depending onyour age you might do the following.

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush our teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the check out lane. You went to schoolwith the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb yourhair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Walmart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to
get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes
you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register
may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Walmart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap
on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Walmart. Go to Walmart
and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

In your 90's:
Stop what you are doing.

A woman goes to Italy to attend 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"