"I've given up fighting my inner demons. From now on, we're on the same side."

Well, the first thing you need to know about my place is that there isn't a night life. There used to be, but that was before the local library changed its opening hours.

Since then, we've had to make up our own amusement:

- The Over Eighties Nudist Leapfrog team have a weekly jamboree where they take on all-comers at the town hall.

- The Dare-Devils Extreme Knitting Club project for 2012 is to knit a house-cosy for the vicar of this parish.

- The 2012 two-man inter-rabbi bobsleigh world championship takes place this weekend on the 'down' escalator at the local railway station, Station Master and platform tickets permitting.

- This year's annual Cheese Pairing Ball includes an exhibition of Au-pare Greasing and Gibbon Stuffing, whilst last year's champion, Mrs. Hilda Smogworthy, will be presenting a talk on the mating habits of the savage man-eating Pygmies of Upper Wigmole Street. (This will be followed by a talk by the savage man-eating Pygmies of Upper Wigmole Street, on the mating habits of Mrs. Hilda Smogworthy)

- Finally, the local college is re-running its course on Futtock Nadgering for Beginners, back by popular demand.

So as you can see, it's jam packed with exciting things to do, which is probably why I'm lying on my bed typing into my laptop...