A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a
lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us
both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I
love you,too

Yep...she's definately a wife!!!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible
place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to
lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had
an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession

One day an Amish family visits the big city for the first time for any
of them. As they are walking down the street, the wife notices some
pretty cloth in a store window that just happens to also be in a large
hotel. The wife, thinking that the cloth would really come in handy,
decides to go into the store to see how much it is.
The father and son, not wanting to get lost, sit in the lobby and wait
for the woman to finish her shopping. As they are sitting there they
notice an old woman walk on to the elevator and watch the door close. A
few minutes later, the door re-opens and a beautiful woman walks out of
the same elevator the old woman had walked into moments earlier.
Just then the father says to his son, “Quick Jr. Go get your mother!”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
& have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out & make love
for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know
about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace & bows his head.


A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.


10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over & whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

Now that thar wuz funny...I dont care who you are!!!!

TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!

I knew I was gonna ruffle some feathers here...lol...btw
sweetcountrygirl...damn your hot...(wink)

Now...THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one was a brunette,
and one was a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old
barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they
climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into
them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The
sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got
up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back,
"Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked
the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the
deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so
the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at
all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said:
"Potatoes".

Funny!!!

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute girl in his
office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give
you $100.00 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him,
then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money
on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked
it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend
thought about it a moment and then said, "Ask him for $200.00, then pick
up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened? Still breathing
hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

That was a good one....

Subject: AGING







It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at

them.



Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.







My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary
for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.







Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work.







Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked
grub when I hit that door.







She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.



I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.







Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.







When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.



I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well

make one for me too.







I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider

that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth
to help each other.....







Signed, Bob







EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on March 7th. The police report says

that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the
all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he
accidentally sat down on it...

SHHHHHHH...I see DUMB people....

Wonder if he had to use
"SHORTHAND"?

I love your pic...

King, I dont think your strange...you seem like normal folk to me...no
different than any of the rest of these guys here at the home...hang on
a second...my roomie is trying fly again...got to stop him...last time
he did this he ended up on the barn and it took us 5 hours to get him to
fly back down...

lot more women are realizing it isnt the hardest thing in the world to
learn how to ride. And if you enjoyed the way the wind blew thru your
hair when you used to ride a bike, you'll really enjoy riding a hog...

Thanks...one of the benefits of working there...lol.