Italian with a sliver of Apache

Hmm, when I woke up on my 30th birthday, I couldn't remember much of anything, everything ached or made noise, and my libido had disappeared...

Wait, no seriously, 30 is great!!

Viva la Neo-Revolution!

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metriccation will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, nevermugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


John Cleese

Ego stroking? Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse!!

(apologies to Monty Python)

But wouldn't it be nice if the colts/pats players DIDN'T have to get injured in order for the cowboys to win? Have some faith, brotha!

And next week, Cowboys 52....Giants -3.4

Debbie,

The exchange is that special time on Sunday evening when you watch your child drive away from you for 2 weeks.

My plan is set though. I will get a modification done with real representation. It's motivation to keep moving forward towards the ultimate goal, having her full time. Heh, she already told her mother she wants to live with me when she turns 12. And I didn't even tell her about that!

That makes me happy....and it has nothing to do with her mother.

Anyone ever have a 7 year old just break your heart every other Sunday about 6:00pm at the "exchange"?

I hate these days.

First thing that comes to mind is tap the breaks on that first date swamping. You might be going out with females who prefer verbal appreciation initially instead of gifts...hmmm, sounds like words of affirmation before gift giving. Ugh, love languages.

Well, I need some more clarification. Are talking a standard paper clip or one of those cool looking paper clips that we used to used as either a Chinese throwing star or a logo to denote that we were part of the starship Enterprise?

.......oh god, I just realized my childhood was horrible!!

Not to appear rude but should I be reading this? Feels awkward.

Email is your friend.

Ok, let's see....if you are walking on a sidewalk and you turn a corner and a lion is right there waiting to pounce on you, you SPRING BACK...if you are walking down that same sidewalk and you trip over that lion, you FALL FORWARD...ok, set the clock forward.

Do you have to be from Ohio?

It was marketed as a drink from Australia. It was not alcoholic. It was like carbonated fruit juice, but not like orange juice or anything like that. Kiwi-Mango type flavors. I'm guessing it didn't originate down under but that's how it was marketed.

If I made add my 2 cents (which has recently dropped to 1.5 cents with the decline of the dollar)....

I don't think we came from either. If I remember correctly, man did not evolve from monkeys. Ugh, I wish I could remember exactly but monkeys and humans actually split from the same ancestor such that humans and monkeys evolved down separate paths. But if you go backwards they arrive at the same point with a common primate ancestor.

P.S. Mmmm, bananas.

I'm actually going to wait to change mine until Mid April/early May.

You have to wake up or stay up till 2am. It's the law or something like that.

Don't forget...for those whose state still participates...

You forgot this one...

You know you're addicted to coffee when you have to go to meetings because of your addiction and it just totally ruins your life. Your wife leaves you, you lose the kids, the house, and your job. You will also know because while you are trying to fight your way through a 12 step program, your sponsor sees your number on caller ID and proceeds to commit suicide forthwith. You'll end up in a gutter in the alleyway behind a Starbuck's thinking, "I used to be somebody."

Hmmm...ok, this didn't turn out as funny as I thought it was...