When at the airport why are you asked to get on the plane??
I prefer to get IN the plane

Thought some might get a laugh from these


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is , 'What does a woman want? '
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.'
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive

Irish car bomb

1/2 mug guiness
shot of irish whiskey
lace w/ baileys
drop and shoot

WOW!! get a hobby lol

a camera so she could upload some pics LOL

I wish i was at home so i could hug my son,i dont know what i would do if i lost him

OOOUUCHH!!!!!!

Damn cat ya beat me to it lol

Thats funny stuff right there LMAO

WOW!! i didnt know there was a book,im gonna have to find that. I hate to say it but this stuff is hilarious!! i deal with these stupid people all the time

The 2007 Darwin Awards
THINNING THE HERD" 2007


Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The she er force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."**** happens!"

Thanx Coco,at this point ill take what i can get LOL

Still in the mid 30's here,but rain turning to snow!! gonna be a busy night. Somebody have a couple drinks for me tonight and think of me when your inside and all warm and cozy LOL

I dont get off til 8am,..but im a firm believer in "its 5 o'clock somewhere" LOL

after the day ive had,id love to have a drink with smiles

12 days of Christmas,EMS style


On the first day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... One little ol' Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the second day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... 2mg of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway, 2mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... 4 in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital NOW, Three stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle, 2mg of Narcan for morphine eating Momma, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Five minutes to eat! 4am shuttle call, Three stacked shocks, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Six run reports behind because the computer guy can't fix the system, Five Minutes to eat!!!!!!!!!! 4 am Shuttle, 3 zaps to the chest, Gonna have a stomach pumped, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Seven car pile-up while everyone was trying to beat the light so they can get into Wal Mart the day after Thanksgiving thinking there is only 4 dancing Elmo Dolls, Six reports behind, Five minutes to eat! 4am is way to early, 3 stacked shocks, 2 of Narcan pushed, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Eight flights of steps to walk up to get the 400 pound person who is having shortness of breath since LAST Christmas and can't walk...oh, and of course, the elevator doesn't work, 7 cars a crunching, Six reports a writing, Five minutes to eat! 4 AM shuttle, CPR in progress, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Nine blankets needed to cover up grandpa because he is freezing and we aren't even out of the house yet but thinks he will get pneumonia and die for all of the 10 seconds we are outside, Eight flights of stairs, Should have stayed home and bought it off of Ebay, Six reports I'm writing, Five minutes to eat! What the Hell time is it, Should have paid the kid, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Ten minutes till I can get a bed in the ER because the nurses are busy figuring out who is going to lunch next, Nine blankets needed, Hope fire department is coming, 7 cars a crunching, Six reports I need to write, Five minutes to eat! Can't you wait till morning, Stick a fork in him, he's done, Man I hope she shuts up,. And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Eleven times I tried to get the heat to work in the back of the truck and maintenance won't take the truck in, Tten minutes waiting, Nine blankets needed, Eight flights of steps to climb, Hope you have Progressive, Give me a new ink pen, Five minutes to eat! 4am is early, 3 leads all show he's dead, 2mg won't touch her, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... A 12 Gauge IV needle that I put into the drunk 19 year old who tried to swing at me, It's really freezing, Hope you choke on your sandwich, 9 blankets for grandpa, How did you get up here in the first place, Man your husband is gonna be pissed, Six reports STILL down, Five minutes to eat! Better than taking them back, Hope I recorded the code, Man, just pass out already, And Grandma who fell and hit her knee.

Merry Christmas!!!

As are you!

well thank you very much!!! Love my job,and definately love the flag!!!

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine...I keep my eyes wide open all the time..."

From "Walk the line"

Im right across the mountain from ya darlin'

Beautiful smile,..very beautiful