Community > Posts By > Englishrose2

 
Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 03:17 AM
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***!"

The rest is history.slaphead laugh laugh laugh Anna x


Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 03:10 AM
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 03:02 AM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fukc him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." slaphead rofl
Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:35 AM

If Democrats didn't have all the incentive they needed to pass health care reform already, then conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh may have provided the final push they needed by vowing to flee the country if the reform bill is passed.

Responding to a caller who asked him where he would go for health care if Congress enacts reform, Limbaugh replied,

I don't know. I'll just tell you this, if this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented -- I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica.

Watch VID at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/09/limbaugh-ill-leave-us-if_n_491536.html

Goodbye Rush! dont let the door hit your immense behindlaugh


And he will achieved by this???? NOTHING...what a dick!!!

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:33 AM

Giving head... massages the jaw....while burning 32 calories.

Semen contains creatine, citric acid, nitrogen, vitamins C, B12 and E, calcium, potassium, nitrogen, vitamin B12, protein and zinc. All of which are extremely healthy!

He's a little known fact that I learned when I was a semi-pro body builder. The pros (the schwarzenegger types) regularly (on a daily basis) masturbate and digest their own semen. No they're not gay, and no they're not crazy. They do this because of the extremely high level of creatine and protein that's in semen. More than eating a thick juicy steak. Creatine and protein are two of the most used body building supplements, and they both help you to build muscle (which means it helps you to burn fat and be thinner). The more semen you digest, the quicker you lose that unsightly weight. A study published in the International Journal of Sports Medicine showed that creatine helps you to burn extra calories when taken. And we all know that muscles are made up of protein (and are the opposite of fat). I'm sure one of these days we'll all be hearing about the semen diet... :wink:




Thanx for sharing that with me excuse me while i puke!!ill ill ill ill ill ill ill ill ill Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:29 AM
Welcomeflowerforyou

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:25 AM


Nice to read stuff from people who have gotten to observe themselves objectively. I write much better than talk...when around people, watcher. If you're not a great talker, do you find you tend to watch people more? It can be very interesting when you sit and just listen, without making any decsion about what they are saying.


I'm a major people watcher. What they say, what they do, how they act or react to things. I find it all very fascinating and I learn a lot as well.


Is'nt that being a stalker??laugh laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:23 AM
It did....i didnt get it!!laugh laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:21 AM
Forking hell i cant find my forking knifelaugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:20 AM
They do say we find love when we least expect it so never give up one day them butterflies will be fluttering again:heart: flowerforyou Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:17 AM
Yes and i discovered theres a lot of Anna's in this worldlaugh

Ever got away without paying for somthing?

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:14 AM
I need a cup of tea

Biscuits or bacon?

Bacon mmmmmmmmmm laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:12 AM
That all sounds very mushy and romantic BUT what about the guy?? as he moved on is he dating?? do you know if he still has feelins for you? Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:09 AM
No but i have tried to out run a few with only 2 legslaugh laugh

Ever been arrested?

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:07 AM


we're all just intimate pen pals.


Sheesh, I don't even get that!!! rofl

Awwwwwwww blessflowerforyou

I have got very close to girls online in some cases very close:wink: but then reality steps in and i realise its just my feelings getting the better of me and that long term the chances are zero usually. Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 02:00 AM


Woman to woman, great profile, awesome pics, and you answered all the questions. Good luck in your search!!! flowerforyou



i wanna see some Woman To Woman action drool drool drool


Your not the only onelaugh laugh laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 01:56 AM

Ehh here's a scenario: Two people "date" online. Things go great. They decide to commit, despite the fact that they're on separate coasts. Bliss or stupidity?

Committing to someone online is a hollow promise. For example, hell, I'll commit to every woman here in this forum right now. Yep, we're all in a great relationship online, me and all you ladies.

But that's as far as it goes. Email me, IM me... you still don't know who is on my mind when I write nthat reply. For all you know I just committed to you online but am aldo seeing someone here in my hometown.

Even in the movies, where there are long distance relationships (like You've Got Mail, The Lake House, Sex Drive) there's still a follow through at the end where the people meet up in real life. Until that real life meeting occurs, it's not a committed relationship... until then, we're all just intimate pen pals.


So your 2 timeing mesurprised that is shocking how could you?? and there was i believing every sincere word spokenslaphead laugh laugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 01:46 AM
I'll have the ermmmmm walletlaugh Anna x

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 01:45 AM
flowerforyou :heart: Hi floppy ears xxxx

Englishrose2's photo
Wed 03/10/10 01:43 AM
Technology hurts my brain cell!!laugh Anna x

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