Hello. For those of you playing along with the home version of our game at, uhhh, home, then allow me to introduce you to me. I am Don Edwards. I sometimes spaz out, have illusions of grandeur and beat up small children and take their lunch money to buy the National Inquirer. I have no talent, skills or any sort of aspirations in life. I snore when I sleep and I sleep with one eye always open because of those sadistic goddamn raccoons. They seem to like to stare in the bedroom window and act out all my childhood misfortunes thanks to the brain waves they suck out of my head by way of supremely advanced alien technology that I cannot even begin to understand, and yet, have seen on sale at Wal-Mart. Once, I ate ice cream with a fork and I drive really, really slow in the left hand lane of the interstate...on PURPOSE. I'm the guy that farts in crowded elevators, the guy who brings 11 items into the 10 items or less express lane, the one who tries to use coupons at the flea market and the SOB that always asks for things that aren't on the menu or list ANYWHERE ever. I suck at my job, or I would suck at my job if I were employed. I am direction less, mean-spirited and listless on the waters of life. I still believe that Chevy Chase will make another Fletch and that the Rolling Stones are a product of the kind of cloning technology from Juric Park. I drink beer, milk, Mello Yello, and tea and that's all at the same time. I put out on the first date, eat everything that's completely bad for me, and need a super-computer to calculate my daily caloric intake. I watch ography and download every piece of multi-media and computer techo-nology that I can just to screw it up for everybody else. I don't go to church, pray, or give two half- tidbits about what's going on in the world outside of my own little twisted universe. I always take two pennies from penny jar and I never give back to the community and think all of Jerry's kids are big, fat fakers just trying to squeeze in 15 minutes on us. I believe that Johnny Cash is God and Kid Rock is his only begotten son. Hank JR is my own personal Jesus Christ and Coor Light is the holy water I bathe in on a daily basis. I have never inhaled, huffed, injected or drank Lysol and find it strange that Lindsay Lohan hasn't called me back or e-mailed me in the last hour to again profess her undying love for my incredibly huge and throbbing antique television set that sits in the corner of my bedroom and receives CIA transmissions telling me to update my goddamn myspace page every 15 minutes....and the bible is the greatest piece of fiction I have ever read in my entire life, and I read comic books. Oh, and I believe everything I read, see on TV and in the movies, hear in a podcast, read in an e-mail or see on a message board. Boo-yah. Anything else you may have heard is rumor and rudimentary nonsense. --Don