This is my journal version of a profile. I'll update it every three days to a week. Come back again in a few days and see what's up with me. **†************************ September 26th I haven't been on this site for awhile. I think Im going to try again. I want to say to you girls who limit who can message you to guys under a certain age you just may be missing the perfect guy who may be a year or too older. I used to only go out with a girl if she was a size zero or one, maybe a size two. Today I wonder how many great girls I didn't get to know. Ill tell you the ones I did pick didn't turn out so good. I now have let go of a lot of expectations. I don't consider myself really attractive. I do consider myself a catch. I base that on watching relationships all around me and listing to women I know talking about their relationships. I've worked hard to be a better communicator, to be a little softer but not too soft. I work hard and can fix almost anything. You will have to give me a try to find out if Im the guy... ********************************** August 15th Here's what i'm thinking today. If we agree to meet for coffee ( or you're preference) We don't need to decide then or even that day if we could be life partners, All we need after that first meeting is if we are willing to invest a small amount of time to get to know each other a little. We will never know what the other brings to the table from our first meeting. How long have we been on these sites judging the person we met for looks or some other character defect that will never be important. Personally, I've made a decision to let my expectations go and give you the opportunity to show me who you are. Me, I can be a dork, intelligent, motivated and into so many different things. New learning like how to bring a bricked cell phone back to life, learning how to install pavers and bricks, building and selling HDTV antennas for free TV, Building a home coffee roasting machine then roasting and maybe selling my coffee. All these things and more keep my brain elastic. I really like to "Dote" on my girl, like making the first pot of coffee in the morning. I'll open you're car door every time for so long you may forget that once upon a time you had to open your own door. When you need to talk, I WANT to HEAR you, the TV will go off, you will have eye contact with me, I will mirror and ask questions until you feel heard and understood. What an opportunity for me to gt to know who you are better. Don't we all really just want to feel understood and heard? You already know something about me I'm optimistic that I will get the chance to learn you ****** ***** August 4th OK, I'm in a **** everything mood. A few years ago that would have been bad, you would not want to be around me. By giving it more consideration, I've turned it around. Now I say **** all the things that controlled my behavior. F. the nice cars, F the big house that became an anchor. F the former wife she had her own issues,F the $100,000, dollar a year job that I had to get up at 3:00 am and wouldn't get home till sometimes 8:00 pm. I said good night to my young daughter, she just looked at me. I asked if something was wrong, She said she wasn't allowed to talk to strangers, Let go of ego and explored what didn't stress me out. Maybe I should F this dating game? No I enjoy, the companionship and complexity of relationship too much, this is going to be worth the effort someday. Last week I put my profile on THREE job boards. By Thursday there were 53 recruiters and boards in my email. I spent over two hours UNSUBSCRIBING. By Saturday morning there were over NINETY more. I can't get a job, I don't have time. All my time is being used to unsubscribe from there job boards and recruiters. Oh yea, F the job boards. I feel better now.... ***** ***** August 1 OK, It's been a long month. The upside is I've been wanting a Kayak for a long time. Just didn't have the money. I just traded 10 hours of my labor for a Kayak. I have it hanging out in my shop getting ready to do some fancy fiber glassing and paint. I don't like the seat in it, does anybody have a car baby seat i can convert? I'm finding that i'm pretty ignorant about kayaks. I need to go look at some and ask questions... ****** ******* July 9 My daughter left yesterday after a nice 10 day visit. She's moving back to Hawaii. I wish I was there. I just inherited her two cats for a few months until she gets settled. I haven't had pets for a long time. I also got stuck with a big mess of all the stuff they couldn't take with them. I don't know where I'm going to put it all. She left two boxes of new girls clothes, a lot with tags still in. Anyone need some nice sweaters? Anyway. I already miss her, we have always been close. ***** ***** June 28th-more I build HDTV antennas. Here in my town I get from 21-38 channels, all free, depending on where I place the antenna. Today I took one to San Jose and one of my friends let me set it up to his TV. With the antenna on the ground (they are built to go on the roof) The antenna got 66 free channels. Ill make a web site soon to market the antenna and several other products that I make. Business name will be "Anthony's Creations." **** ***** June 28th My daughter flew in fro Kansis tonight with her boyfriend. When she went to Kansas about two months ago she called me a couple of days after she got there. I asked how she liked it. All she had to say was "Dad it's flat Here." They are staying here with me for a couple of weeks then moving to Molokai,Hawaii. So, in thr past three years they lived in Hawaii, on Oahu, then California, Nevada, Oregon and now back to Hawaii. She's a Gypsy.' I don't like it when she moves far away, It's too hard to visit her. Her boyfriend is a chef for 5 star restaurants so it's easy for him to find work in any tourist location. I think we are going to drive to the City in the next day or two. Her Boyfriend is from Kansis and has never been there.. ***** ***** June 26th I'm having a difficult time with these dating sites. I was a trained real estate agent and understood that to be successful it was a numbers game.Contact X amount of prospects, from those contacts get X amount of appointments, from those appointments get X amount of listings.It seems to me that dating is exactly the same and so far I am unable to treat dating like a real estate listing. Silly me. Many of you girls/women say looks don't matter so much, *BS*...My profile name- I Grow On You came from my life experience. Every girl I've ever been with has been the result of them being around me for long enough for them to "SEE ME". An hour in a coffee shop can't begin to do that. If you agree to meet me keep that in mind as well as how long have you been looking and why is it taking so long. How many great guy's have walked away from that coffee shop because you weren't instantly attracted to them? Again these questions have come from my looking within myself. How many great girls have walked away from me because they weren't a size zero or one? I'm in a mood, can you tell? OK, one more thing. If I see a profile that says she is only wanting to date, no serious relationship why would I waist my time with her. Unless I interpret it that she is really just looking for sex. Hey baby, you get what you put out there, Don't be surprised by the quality of guys you attract. ************************************ June 25th The 25th was my sisters birthday. She was on her way home from a church revival with her best friend and daughter. It was sometime around midnight on Hwy 99. She was driving the speed limit as she always did. The drunk driver and his three friends were going n estimated 115 miles an hour when they slammed into the back of her car. Her car exploded into flames. All four of the 21 and 22 year old drunk boys ran away and hid under bushes while my sister burned to death, The driver got 9 years in prison, hes now out and enjoying his life. My sister is still gone. ***** ***** April 28th in the evening I wrote the long message below earlier today. Then I went and took the relationship needs assessment. It nailed almost perfectly my needs and strengths in a relationship. The one area it was way off was physical touch. Not being touched in a love relationship for me is like not getting air to breath. I've read the book The Five Love Languages. I know my primary and secondary languages. Touch and intimacy are number one. I can assure you that soon after we start a romantic relationship I will know your love language. Your love bucket will never feel empty. If you don 't know what I'm talking about i recommend your read the book. It's one of the most influential i have ever read and believe me I've read so many. Two other books I highly recommend are John Gottman, The Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work, and Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery Of Love. These three books changed my perceptions forever. The third one, The Mastery of Love I read over and over. It taught me how to move from possessive love to 100% unconditional love. That one was probably the most important book I've ever read. To give you some idea of what that means right now I have over 700 books here in my closet. I've read every one at least once, many more than once. That's all, go check out my relationship needs assessment, it dove tails very well with the things I talked about in the paragraphs below. ***** ***** April 28 Hi...Today I'm having a rough day. I'm feeling pretty sad today. There's no real reason for me to be so sad today but here it is. These are the days that i feel alone. I don't have someone who cares about how I'm feeling. Someone who knows to just come and hold me and listen, not try to fix me. Just because I'm having big feelings doesn't mean anything is wrong. Let me tell you about my feelings and emotions. When I was 19 my younger brother and I went up to Almaden lake to go swimming. That day Steven dove to deep and crushed his spine, he lived for three days totally paralyzed before he died. Then my older brother, David shot himself in the head. Untreated bi-polar depression. We didn't know as much about mental disorders as we do today. Then Lance my youngest brother got colon cancer. This is a horrible disease. It's not really the cancer that kills you. It's the tumors that block your colon so anything you eat can't be passed, it just comes back up. I watched my brother stave to death. You never realize how many commercials on TV are about food until someone you love is sitting next to you at 75 pounds looking like a walking skeleton. After all that try to imagine what it must have been like for me to have to drive to my moms house and tell her my sister and her daughter were just hit on the freeway by a drunk driver. That her car exploded in flames and they burned to death