SAM in non-existant job seeks crazy ***** for tepid sex, mutual psychological torture, and shouting matches. I enjoy smoking, drinking, ography, petty theft, and self-righteous indignation. I was asked a while ago to list my personal ms, only to come to the stunning realization that I have none whatsoever. I'm shy, clingy, boring and terrible in bed... Come on, you know you want me. For fun, I enjoy browsing other people's profiles and making shallow judgments about their intellect, maturity level, employment, literacy level, maturity level, social skills, and reasons for relationship failures. I try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, arguing constantly with supposedly authoritative references that can not be easily verified, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I have been known to swaddled babies and pet puppies. I believe that if the plural of mouse is mice, the plural of spouse ought to be spice. I frolic, dodge, paint, hug, and I eat - all at the same time with cherry on top. I believe only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. Some stuck up people may think it's weird, but you might find me making faces back at the kids in the car in front of me. But why does the chicken cross the road, huh, if not for love? *sigh* I do not know. You should contact me if... You filled your profile with generalities, and yet you expect guys to guess what you are interested in when writing to you. You are endowed with unrealistic expectations and a misplaced sense of enlement. Over time, you will blame me and grow hostile when I don't fulfill every need you've ever had. You feel that men should put up with your ****, because you are a woman. Through a technicality, you are currently not under house-arrest or otherwise grounded (so we can actually hang out). You have, at least once, either staked a vampire or foiled a corporate conspiracy. Are you feminine rather than trying to be one of the guys, provocative rather than boring, and dorky rather than *****y? In that case we might click. Do you know why we are right for each other? For our first date we should head over to Target. You wouldn't have to get all dressed up and stuff, I could find out what your favorite color was and you could find out if I blush when we walk through the lingerie section. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that ruins my life instantly, but prefer a long-term, spirit crushing descent into alcoholism and prescription pills. But seriously? I prefer my women sy, ambitious and a touch sardonic. Funny, smart and pretty required. Must play well with others. And a little something extra -- that alluring je ne sais quoi.