Hi.. I am a psychopathic sadist! I suppose some might consider me a serial killer since an unfortunate number of my playmates have ended up dead. For a long time I told myself that these deaths were 'accidental'. You know how it is; you get caught up in the moment and well... Ooopsie! Eventually I had to face the fact that it's the intensity of the screaming juuuust before they die that I find most intoxicating. So I have decided to embrace that part of myself. To, shall we say, elevate my craft to the next level. And dating sites appear to be the perfect venue for selecting partners in my artistic endeavors. It's not that I have an issue with the never ending quest for nookie. Hey, it's your constitutional right to play STD roulette to your shrunken heart's content. It's the constant barrage of deceit that clearly show dating sites to be a rich source of potential playmates. Truly, what value to the world is a man totally devoid of honor? And as honor is not a jacket that can be slipped on and off at will, your behavior here is a clear indicator of the man you really are. Because the face you show when you think no one can see you is your true self. The face you may choose to show everyone else is merely your facade. I knew immediately that Mingle was the perfect site to find candidates deserving of a stimulating session of extended torture followed by a slow and exquisitely painful death. They even have an app for that! All you need to do is tell me how much you like my profile and you will have proven your worthiness to participate in my next artistic celebration!!! Alright fiiiiiine... I'm not actually a serial killer, though the longer I'm on here, the more appealing the idea becomes. That entire thing was written to amuse myself because it was obvious from the very beginning that nobody reads profiles. (They're all too distracted by my dazzling smile - snort) Oh, plenty of 'guys' tell me my profile is 'interesting'. Or even better how 'lovely' or 'nice' it is. ... riiiiiight... Of course you'll get those even when your profile is BLANK I've lost count of the number of messages from potential 'volunteers', and since they don't read messages either, replying in character quickly lost its fun factor. (I saved a couple if you'd like to read them) You may have guessed that beyond the twisted humor of that opening paragraph my profile is meant to server as a filter... or maybe 'obstacle course' is a better analogy. (Personally, I've come to view it as a dichotomous key) Do you enjoy a challenge? Let's see what the rest of the course has in store! And keep in mind this saying that my mama was always fond of: "You only get one chance to make a first impression." ------------------------------------------------Round 2 Redo-------------------------------------------------------- --- Now ideally someday a guy will read this and will react like Madeline Kahn after being ravished by 'the monster' in Young Frankenstein. (Cue) Of course it's more likely that spending my formative years reading romance novels permanently warped my brain. Do real guys never experience that moment? Perhaps I should face the fact that in real-life, relationships are based purely on a combination of location and desperation. So let's suppose you're desperate and/or near by. Let's also suppose that the strange, convoluted nature of my profile has convinced you that I yam who I say I yam and not some third world scambot. What do you do now?!?!? My advice is to fake it. It's already been established that the brain damage is permanent and if you hope to get anywhere, you're going to have to play along. And that means you're going to need to somehow differentiate your message from all the copypasta. i.e. "I was really interested by what I read in your profile and want to get to know you more better."(sic) That's why this thing is so damn long! I created the whole thing, text and pictures to be chock full of conversation starters... Just pick one! Early on I tried slipping my name in here unobtrusively to make this easier. Then I switched it to a numeric representation of my name cuz it bugged me when the scammers were able to pick out and use it. I've sinced realized, that it's crazy to make it easier for people to lie to me. However, I'm leaving that original paragraph in the profile because it catches the skimmers. If at any point you just want to drop a brief note telling me you liked this little endeavor -but only in a friendly way. Just include the number 2643 in your message; that way I'll know it's not a steaming pile of scammer hype. Keep in mind USING THIS NUMBER MEANS YOUR **NOT** INTERESTED IN ME PERSONALLY, but you wanted to say you found some aspect of this insanity amusing. The enthusiasm of my reply is pretty much contingent on your ability to convince me you are a real person. No effort- no reward right? BTW, the relevance of that number is explained further down if you want to keep reading. ------------------------------ Round 3----------------------------------------- And speaking of first impressions... At this point you have undoubtedly formed some sort of impression of me as well. A good number of you are probably still thinking 'WTF?!?!?!?' Maybe it's just not your kind of humor. Maybe you find the whole thing a bit confusing. ... ... ... Gimme a minute... ... I'm trying to imagine how this reads after a run through Google translate. Yeah, that explains a coupla things. Or maaayyybeeee you think I am just really full of myself. And that's okay! Thanks for stopping by and feel free to help yourself to a complimentary pastry on your way out. What ever you do... Do NOT 'message me anyway'!!! This is who I am! No... I don't mean the serial killer part. We clarified that right? I mean the off kilter sense of humor, it can range anywhere from crude and lowbrow to esoteric and erudite. I also mean this pretentious vocabulary and convoluted communication style. My writing style is fairly similar to my actual speaking style. So this is what a conversation with me would be like. ...Well minus of course the vocal intonation... the various accents... facial contortions... full body gesticulations... okay, and the props, but that's only an occasional thing. Other than that, there's not much difference So if you're on the fence, save both of us the time and aggravation. Sail on to clearer waters. Cuz this murkiness- right here (okay, as I'm saying this,I am making a hand motion that you can't see. It sort of like... never mind) anyway, yeah, that's me... murky. It's just incredibly insulting when guys have obviously done the 'blah blah blah whatever', and assume I'll be too dumb to figure out they're BSing me. Why would you bother?!?!? Do they actually imagine I'm less annoying in person?!?!? I have no need for someone who will 'tolerate' me- been there done that. I am looking for someone who will celebrate me! And I sincerely hope to return the sentiment. During the "Rate my Profile" debacle, the locksteppers would ask if I was trying to deliberately drive guys away. And to some degree the answer is "Yes". Few people would mistake me for being 'just the average girl' and I am looking for someone who is equally outside the common mold. I'm looking for my bee people ...(sigh)... Okay, go to Youtube and look up Blind Melon-No Rain and watch the video- If you're already familiar with it and thought, man, I loved that video... Come closer... closer... Here, sit next to me... Ohh, sorry! ...moving on... Do you remember that 4 digit number from round 2? The intention was to make it harder to figure out my name. Because effort is sexy... yeah baby... I wanna see you work for it... (that was accompanied by a growl/purr sound I can make by vibrating the tip of my tongue behind my front teeth- like rolling 'rrrrr's in Spanish. ~Rrrrrrrrrrufffels have Rrrrrrridges~ and so do women who've given birth, but I didn't say that out loud ;0P Annnyyywayyyy... On an alphanumeric keypad that number I gave you earlier corresponds to the letters in the short form of my name- which is pretty common. It's fairly easy, but I'll drop a couple more clues later. ... ... ...Okay, so apparently it's not so easy. I suppose the first hurdle would be knowing what an 'alphanumeric keypad' is. (No.. I'm not going to tell you. - scoff) There are 81 possible combinations. None (to my knowledge)are actual English words, but a couple could be alternate spellings to common female names. Final clue- It's the short form of my given name and NOT the French word for 'friend'. ... Sorry, could you repeat that? Did you say "that you must be allowed to tell me how much you ardently admire and love me", but you're simply not a puzzle person? That's alright, it's not a deal breaker. Like I said before, just tell me what it is that attracted you. Pick any point that we have in common and run with it. One of the movie references sprinkled through this? Questions or feedback on one of the pictures? WAIT... I do not mean some drivel about how purty you think I am. I think we can assume you find me reasonably attractive or you wouldn't be here. Of course it's quite possible you came here because of something in the forum and you actually don't find me attractive. Friends are welcome too. ---------------------------------------------------Part 4 Later----------------------------------------------- Later?!?!? FOR THE LOVE OF BIFOCALS WOMAN!!!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO!!!!!! I'll probably just tell you what NOT to do. ...to be continued