This was emailed to me.. don't get offended

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................56+ (it's the red convertible that makes him feel so young)
Active................................Gets up to get his own damn beer
Adventurous.......................Asks for extra spicy on his burrito supreme
Enjoys cooking..................Can operate microwave
Enjoys travel......................Never asks for directions
Athletic.............................Loves playing Madden 08 on XBox 360
Generous..........................Incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself
Romantic..........................Has Viagra prescription
Considerate.......................Leaves seat up and is a bad aim.
Emotional.........................Gets pissed when out of beer
Loves pets........................Does not pick up poop especially from some dumbass little dog
Loves children...................Really doesn't like poop so get used to it
Loves family......................Will probably hit on your sister.
Loves to laugh...................Smokes too much pot
Loves strong coffee.............Usually hung over
Looking for soul mate.........Search likely to go on for a long, long time
Slim..................................Sickly.
Boyish-charm....................Momma's boy
Youthful............................Bald as a baby
Man's man........................Hair growing everywhere even where seemingly impossible



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry..........................I am hungry
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress...........................Nice cleavage!
I love you..............................Let's have sex now
I am bored...........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?....................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?..........I'd like to have sex with you.

haha too good

That's cold. Funny, but cold.

blanket statement warning!!!!!!!

funny most of it is true

sorry :

you forgot the second part;

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... REALLY.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.

Not all have that mind-set.

how about the one for women then;
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:



* Abbreviations - Women's ads:

40-ish....................49 1/2
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you
ever will
Athletic..................Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated..................College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun.......................Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age...................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing..................Loud
Passionate................Loud
Poet......................Depressive financially insecure
Professional..............Real Witch
Redhead...................Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque........... Grossly Fat
Romantic................. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous............... Very Fat
Weight proportional to height......... Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow.....................Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart............Toothless crone

. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


I like this one

No apology needed!! You got me to laugh, and that's a good thing!!

. You have too many shoes.


that is not possible.... never too many shoes....

Oh Yeah

that is a good one.

Part of an email I just received:
A man is always either horny or hungry. If he doesn't have an erection, make him a sandwich!

pretty accurate