something that came up in an email and later(indirectly) in chat, has me curious

What is the purpose of an apology? Is it to acknowledge someone's feelings or a wrong doing?

I feel like an apology can do either but that many tend to want an admission of wrongdoing.


For instance, If I am chatting with someone that my mate dislikes and they become offended by it: I (by my own values) am doing nothing wrong so I am not going to pretend like I think I was. However, I can acknowledge that they FELT offended and then apologize for the way it made them felt.

Can you settle for either type of apology? Or is it important for the other person to admit/feel as if they did something wrong?

People are responsible for their own feelings as you cannot hurt them unless they try to blame someone else for how they feel. The appropriate response is to thank them for sharing how they feel and acknowledge without assuming any responsibility as how one feels does not come from others but rather, how they choose to respond to what others say or do.... Acknowledging others feelings is a more helpful behavior and removes one for accepting blame where none is justified. Validating others feelings is a kind and helpful response assuming any ownership for someone elses feelings is not healthy or advisable...

Well my great grandmother never like them and always said "If you were so sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place."

Personally, I think she had a good point so I never apologize because after I was old enough to understand what she meant they all started sounding like hallow excuse to me. Only used to placate someone in hopes to get back in their good graces.

This.

90% of apology is just an attempt to slide by doing the same thing again

In the above scenario.. why would I apologize because they felt offended I was speaking to someone else? That is their problem/insecurities..
I would say, Gee, that's too bad you feel that way,... but sorry? no..

If I care about the person and the relationship?
Sure.
But it wouldn't be "settling."


If someone that I considered my "mate" said something like that to me, I would dump them in a hearbeat.

What you are basically saying is "only my perspective matters. I won't even try to see things from yours. From my point of view, I did nothing wrong. My values are all that matter to me and the only thing I consider. I do not care about your point of view, and in no way is it relevant to my consideration. I acknowledge you are a unique individual with your own feelings. But they are yours to deal with. Leave me out of them. I'm not responsible for them in any way. I feel bad that you happen to feel bad because you are a unique individual that feels pain. I bear no responsibility for your emotions in any way."

You ever hear married people say something like "it became more like we were roommates than husband and wife?"
If my "mate" said something like in that example it would be a pretty clear indicator we were 2 people sharing space, not really learning to communicate, basically there solely for whatever convenient benefits the relationship provides, not emotional entanglement or bonding.


Only if they're an employee or I depend on them for something and their acknowledging doing something wrong means they will work on doing something right next time if the same situation arises.

For myself when I apologize it is because I genuinely feel sorry for my actions or words that hurt someone. I am not interested in being right or wrong I just don't want to be a jerk.

i have been apologizing many times in the past for things that happened because of circumstances that at that time necessary for me to do. after a while i think about my actions and figure out i did nothing wrong but still just to avoid making other people feel bad i tend to do it. i will prefer that its me who gets hurt rather than someone else.

An apology is saying sorry for something you said, did or did not do, and that you see or believe caused unintended upset or offence to someone else. When you feel this has happened then it deserves an apology in my opinion.

sincerity matters more to me than the content of an apology , so yes... I would settle for any type of apology, once its sincere.

That said, if a person keeps repeating the same action, I question their sincerity.

^^^ Best answer.

I line up with saying "It's not what you say, it's what people hear". If I truly believe that I'm right, but another person feels still offended, then it is the other person who should reconsider, deal with her/his feelings.

If honestly, I have made many mistakes in my life. Hurt someone with my words and actions and regretted it later from my heart. In that case, the apology is on it's right spot, to let the other person to know that I have acknowledged my mistake and regret. It's not about getting me off the guilt or making feel myself better, it is admission that I acted wrong. I'm not much of the apologist, but if I do it, then it has it's most sincere meaning.

Sometimes if someone has acted wrong towards me, hurt me, the apology has worked as a cure for hurt feelings. But it doesn't work the way that they can do something nasty and then get off with apology every time. Apologies devalue this way by the end.

I agree. Sincerity is the utmost. Even if they do not feel they are 'wrong', knowing it has caused harm(if they care for me) should be enough for them to avoid repeating the action. With the exception that the action is something important to them, which they can explain and we can compromise.

this


I do not do so unless it is heartfelt
and because I know I have hurt someone I care about

"Apology" is another one of those words and concepts that is waaaaaay more complicated than a lot of people realize, even when they discuss it like this.

Apologies CAN be manipulations and attempts at manipulations, as some people mentioned above. They can be pro-forma statements that no one really means, and that no one really believes, but everyone realizes is required as apart of social ritual. Formal business apologies, when done correctly, are actually careful reiterations and reconfirmations of the companies intentions and dedications.

I've been amazed and taken aback throughout my life, by how many people never grow much past their initial little kid idea about apologies. When you are a kid, it's common for your first experience with being required to apologize, or be apologized to, is that the apology literally erases the negative act altogether. You apologize for hitting your brother, and then you ARE allowed to watch your favorite TV show after all. I've had to deal with a lot of adults, who genuinely thought that if they simply SAID "I'm sorry," that that would completely absolve them of any need to make up for their bad behavior, and that they could go right back to abusing me and mine as they wished, until it was time for another "I'm sorry."

And then there's the other group of people out there, who have jumped on the fad of proclaiming that they NEVER apologize, because they are "strong" or worse, because the people who they treated callously DESERVED to be abused.




I disagree strenuously with this thinking. It's self-righteous, it's pompous, it's incredibly selfish, and worst of all, it's based on defective observation. Real people DO MAKE MISTAKES. If you think you are perfect, that IS your problem. When people do make their mistakes, like the business apology I mentioned above, they can honestly say they are sorry, honestly BE sorry, and can act to adjust their behavior going forward, to better match their newly discovered sensibilities.

There is one kind of "fake" apology, which I use and make almost every day, and which I believe in fervently. That is the TACTICAL apology. I use it almost every day, repeatedly, in my work as a service technician. I am dealing with a very angry customer, who is obviously afraid that they bought the wrong machine, and are about to lose a lot of money and feel foolish, because it doesn't work. I will APOLOGIZE on behalf of the company I represent, for the fact that they are having such a bad time. This is a "fake" apology, in that I am not promising that they are going to get everything they want. I do it, because it is a very important part of resolving any problem, that everyone involved is engaged in actually solving it, and not on venting their emotions.

So I apologize, to make it clear that I AM there to help. When I do it correctly, which by now I am very good at, I can always succeed at least, in making sure that the final outcome is the best that it CAN be for the customer AND the company I represent. Without this "fake" apology, though, nothing at all will be possible.

Leave it to Igor

another well thought and logical contribution to the topic,,,ty

love this

For..my self. . Apologies play a big part in a relationship... I will not be with somebody if they don't understand the social graces of extending the Olive Branch with an apology so to speak...just the other day..I was in. A situation.. that almost ended a relationship just because.. an apology did not come when it should have....we teacher children to be courteous and polite.. and to apologize for their wrong doings....
.. it is not only an admission of guilt..
And the admission of wrongdoing..
But it says I have clearly offended you I understand this, and I'm offering an apology.. to fill in the hurt I may have caused you.. either physically or emotionally...... if a person never feels the need to apologize for their actions..
Or things they say...well...hmmmmm..