I'm curious...

What does a guy do when he wants to take a relationship to the next level, and she says ... "No".

Next level could be proposing, moving in together. The serious thing.

She DOES love you, she does NOT want to end the relationship. She just does not want to get married/move in.

Her reasons are maybe being anti-marriage, not wanting to give up her freedom, wanting to keep her own home, says she's not ready for that yet.
SOmething along those lines.

YOU on the other hand really really want to be with her, not in a living-apart-together situation. You want her to be your partner, wake up with her every day etc. etc. Yet she said "No".

What do you as a man do in such a situation? Do you end the relationship? Do you feel hurt? Would you be able to get over it?
How do you feel and how would it effect you?

I've never been in that situation, so I don't know directly.

Whether I or someone else would be hurt by the refusal or not, depends on the subtleties of how I connect things in my mind. That's how a lot of emotional hurt occurs.

If I EQUATE your saying yes, and moving in, to validating my worth, and to validating my sense of how the world works, and you say no, then I might well feel rejected, discarded, or even angry that you are declaring my world-view to be nonsense. Notice I said "if," there.

That "sense of being personally found wanting, or having one's entire understanding of what's good and right discarded" is behind MOST of the big emotional upsets I've seen people go through over such situations.

If instead, I DON'T have those inner assumptions/connections, then my response might either be to rethink my plans, to see if I could adjust to your ideas, or if I am certain of why and how I want to live, and you aren't interested, then I would sadly accept the incompatibility, and gracefully move on.

Depends on the guy.

Wanting to "take a relationship to the next level" can be motivated by different things.

Could be expressing his emotions and feelings and realizing the next "step" is a natural progression to them, or simply the "step" necessitating behavior to get the relationship to "normal" for how he feels and thinks it is.

Could be communication sucks in the relationship, he feels her drawing away, doesn't really know what she wants, thinks all women want a proposal, or to move in together, so offers that to try and get the feedback and response he needs but isn't getting.

Could be he already knew the answer would be "no" and just wants to vocalize the question to assure his conscious self, to rationalize or justify what he's already decided to do, and the rest is role playing.

Could be he thinks he can save huge amounts of money on taxes and insurance so proposes.

Could be he's drunk.

Could be all sorts of things motivating him to do it, so a "no" response will elicit a different reaction depending on what is actually motivating it.

His reaction could be the same for different reasons.
He may break up with her for "no" because it means his emotions are rejected and the relationship as he knows it is absolutely not at all what he thought it was, a lie.

He may break up with her for "no" because he was drunk and feels stupid and thinks sticking around is going to be awkward or hurt her emotionally.


Blanket statements like that don't really mean anything.

I mean maybe she's afraid of change and the original reason why she started dating him because it was easy.

She deluded herself into thinking or believing or feeling she "loves" him when really that was a mechanism for protection, to keep the status quo, make herself feel a "good" emotion to incentivize herself from changing.
Maybe she chose that particular guy because he seemed willing to be whoever she wanted, or easily controlled, or he was the most simple to understand, thereby any change for her would be minimal and easy to spot and counter.

So maybe she thinks she loves him, but really doesn't, but does enjoy the pseudo joy joy feeling highs, she wants to end the relationship because it's changing, but doesn't want the relationship to end because it means change and an end to feeling good.

If that were the case, then her being in love and not wanting to end the relationship is true...but only technically, and only as long as she didn't want to face reality.


Me as the person I am right now would probably leave her.
If I didn't already kinda know the answer, then being told "no" would come as a complete surprise.
If I already kinda knew the answer would be "no," then that is what I was wanting to hear and wanted her to vocalize it.

A surprise would mean communication in the relationship sucks and always has.
Of course if "no" was a complete surprise to me I would have to question my own motives for asking/bringing it up in the first place.

Relationships built on healthy and effective communication where communication breaks down can be saved/fixed.
Relationships built on faulty or poor communication cannot.

If communication in a relationship is healthy and good, major commitments and proposals for progression aren't all that surprising, just exciting.




Of course you can get into far more complicated things.
Like deep down indirect communication.
Which you have no control over.
Influencing your conscious behavior.
Like he knows you know he knows you know you would say no.
And you knew he knew you'd know he knows you would say no.
And he knows you knew he knew you knew he was going to propose.
And you know he knew you knew you know he knows you knew he was going to propose.

People are complex and complicated.
Communication is complex and complicated.
What comes out of your mouth when you talk to each other is after all that complex and complicated stuff happens.


These are rationalizations based on ego.
If she tries to force him to follow along and validate her rationalizations then the entire relationship is ultimately just an extension of her ego, he's not an individual person, in a relationship with another, it simply becomes all about validating her view of the world and how it "should" be, he's just the current cog or tool she's using to prove herself right and good.


That's something completely different than the other "reasons" given.
That's an honest answer if it leads to more communication of the subject, like real reasons "why" she's not ready, or what she thinks will be realistic indicators of her being ready; certain feelings that she's had before? New feelings she's never had but expects? group support? 401k rollover? kid grown and independent?

My experience with this sort of situation, is what brought my last relationship to an end.

She did not want to get married, she did not want to live with a man again. She did not want to have any more children.

We discussed things out, and found it better to end things amicably. Still doesn't mean I wasn't hurt, just wasn't as much, hurt as it could've been had I not brought things up of our future together.

Thank you! Muchos appreciated and makes total sense :)

Maybe it's time to move on.

@ Ciretom, thank you for your feedback! I read it all, but shortened the quotes in my reply.


Great!! Thank you! I was so focused on my question, that it completely eluded me that a guy would very likely NOT ask if he didn't feel there was a high chance of the answer being "yes".
Silly me! LOL.
Thank you!!!



I actually just thought of something to illustrate that her reasons had NOTHING to do with not loving him. I hadn't expected someone to rip them apart, haha. But your points are duly noted.

Thank you for being so open in sharing, Scoob!
Big hug, and glad to hear that it ended amicably.

ciretom, again you have a pretty good grasp on the standard id. I try to rationalize and remove delusions whenever possible. Reality, when embraced, can be enlightening.

Love is not rational. Love is full of illusions and delusions. People in love with another don't make rational decisions and it really doesn't matter why. They operate on the physical/emotional high love gives them. In a way you could say they get stoned on love. Addicted to it.

I have been in this situation and also experienced it from the opposite side. Just because someone you love says no to a life changing propsition certainly does not mean they do not love you.
Love is fluidic, it changes over time and has waves of increasing and decreasing severity. Love and being "in love" are two different branches on the same bush.

I have declined such a commitment because I was "in love' but I was not sure actual 'love' was there. I explained this to her. She got angry and walked away from our relationship. In time, she contacted me and told me she now understands why I declined.

When I got the "no" answer, at first I was hurt but I respectfully and sincerely asked her if she could explain why she declined. She got angry and accused me of not being able to let her go. I did and that was the end.

If I enter into a loving relationship with a woman and it progresses accordingly I fully expect at some point we will live together. That is not a bad thing and many successful relationships prosper this way. Here on a dating site we mostly have people that have been in failed relationships trying to find that someone special.

Being 'in love' causes us to over-look some of those things that we find disheartening. When we finally move to the 'love' stage of a relatonship we have accepted those disheartening things in favor of the good that person demonstrates. That acceptance must be shared by both parties before a commitment of this magnitude can be attempted. If one is "in love" and the other fully "loves" there is still illusion and delusion on one part. Thus, fear causes one to deny the other. Fear of the unknown. Fear of dishonesty and lies on major points. Fear of loss of one's self.

I feel it is best to wait before asking such commitment from another until you are sure the answer will be yes. Build the relationship on "love", enjoying the "in love" periods but not focusing on them.

I "love" when she touches me.
I "don't mind" her dirty socks in the toaster.
When I don't see her, hear her or smell her she is still with me.

Love is needy/greedy. It is supposed to be. The trick is to find someone that is just as needy and greedy for you as you are for them.
If you find THAT, you should be together.

As long as she's still "delivering the goods", I suppose I would put up with not waking up with her every morning, until something better came along.

Whip it out....and watch the agenda change in her eyes

true that be ..... aint like there be a scarcity of em

I totally agree
saying NO sometimes has double meaning. Open communication s required, compromised f it needs to
although its easier said than done