What things have you seen in prospective partners that set you on edge and are red flags?

What constitutes a "deal killer" that makes a person un-dateable for you?


Red flags for me include unkindness to others, treating their children poorly or their children treating them poorly.

Deal killers primarily revolve around things like to indicate that the person is "reality challenged". If they don't believe that American astronauts landed on the moon in 1969 then that's a failure to grasp basic reality. If they believe vaccines should not be administered then that's an issue of differentiating fact from fiction. Any sorts of those things that indicate that they have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality (hence "reality challenged") is a HUGE red flag for me and likely a deal killer.

Someone having rigid thoughts, beliefs and convictions, like the stuff about the moon landing and vaccines, is a red flag

As for the rest ... red flags aren't always telling you there's something 'wrong' with the other, it can also say there's some old trauma active still in yourself ...

Yup, rigidity in a woman is a big turn off for me.

I agree with that sentiment: dogmatism is bad. I'm willing to revise my beliefs about such things based on evidence.

Before I write someone off for believing something different than me I ask them why they believe what they believe. If they can engage in an open discussion about it instead of being dogmatic then things look rosier. An important part of the "asking why" process is to not challenge beliefs or tell them they are wrong. It's to seek to understand why they believe as they do.


Even if they are not appropriate for me, everyone should be treated kindly and with respect.

Some red flag are about compatibility around world perspective or the like. An example of that is that a deeply religious person and deeply agnostic person may have trouble seeing eye to eye on many topics. That doesn't mean they are incompatible, only that it's something to be aware of and take into account.

Other red flags are about past trauma.

Red flags for one person may be great for another. They are not indicators that there's anything wrong with the person, only that they may not be an appropriate partner for you.

Sorry, but things like "he's religious" is not a red flag. It would just be 'not a good match'.
Like me saying "A short guy is a red flag". Not true. He's just not what I want, what makes me happy, so not a right match. That doesn't make being short a red flag.

Red flags are things that are and feel off, and like I said earlier, some may be clear red flags, others not so much cos some may touch upon an old trauma that's still active in your own system. Making you think it is a red flag, while all that is going on is that your own old trauma gets triggered, making you jumpy and panicky.


To me red flags are lying and flirting with young girls and/or flirting with just about every other woman he sees.

That's an important distinction between "red flags" and compatibility. I confounded those two issues. Now you've made me think of what I mean by red flags. Thanks

I think you highlight something in your red flags in the general behavioral issues you've listed. I would also add being unkind to the wait staff at the restaurant or displaying a sense of entitlement things in general.

I still agree with the triggering of old wounds. I dated a therapist for a while and she talked about emotionally corrective experiences to retrain a person to respond more appropriately to those triggers. Without those experiences to relearn how to respond, even if the wound is healed we maintain a memory of the wounding experience that causes anxiety and elevated emotional states at the triggers. I still vividly remember one time she held my face in her hands, looked me in the eye and said gently, "I'm not your ex".

Let me get back to the "reality challenged" thing since you made me think on defining my "red flags" more to myself.

Bottom line is that this being a red flag for me indicates a lot more about me than the other person. I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with people whom I label as "reality challenged". I know a person who believes in fairies and is convinced events that happen that she cannot readily explain are caused by fairies. There is nothing wrong with that. I even understand intellectually (not emotionally) why people tend to believe such things.

I just won't be able to be a good partner to her.

anybody that owns a chip for being sober for this ---- many months

anybody currently not sober


anybody who has a record or being in looney bin or jail

anybody with more than one baby mama


anybody unemployed

or living off relatives


no teeth

a cheater, a liar

anyone that does not pay his taxes

does not see his kids


oh yes darling you best believe

I am as rigid as they come


high expectations I hold for myself

I will hold another accountable for

TMommy,

That's an excellent list. I especially like the part about anyone not seeing their kids.

I guess being a responsible adult that pays taxes, supports themselves, maintains appropriate relationships with family and children, etc seems to be a level set minimum.

it is a turnoff when someone obsesses on something negative or has a doom and gloom attitude more often than not


it is a turnoff when someone who is disrespectful or unkind to others on the regular


it is a turnoff when someone inflates their own attributes and human value and deflates that of others,


basically, imbalance is a huge turn off for me



none of us are perfect but yet we are all human, someone who doesnt seem to have that philosophy and can dehumanize others over trivial things,, is a turn off

Did someone above say they were frigid? oh rigid.
Okay I'll say.....

Frigid.
Habitual liar.
Not responsibly for their own actions.
Has many dogs and treats them like children.
Looks like a man.
Acts like a man.
Cheats.

TMommy writes:


Uh, TMommy, have you forgotten where you are at?

For me it's negativity. Some people suck out all your positivity with their attitude. I can't stay with someone like that.

And people who bear grudges and won't forgive easily. When they talk like that I wonder is it just a matter of time before I step out of line in their eyes??

Give me someone able to move on, not be stubborn and feel the joy of being alive!!!